I hate the person I am when I am with you. I don't hate you but I hate what I've become. I hate the way you treat me, and I hate that I allow it to happen. I have so much hate in my heart that it spills into tears. I want to slam my phone against the wall so this stops. I want to be me again.
I want to be that girl who didn't have a care in the world, the one who set boundaries and demanded respect. I remember when you were sweet to me when you were sweet all the time. I asked you why you're so mean now and you said you're just comfortable with me.
You're showing me your true face and it's nothing like I thought you were. You're not just mean. You don't respect me at all. You don't care at all. If I disappear, you would move on in an instant. To be honest, I wanna be like you. I want to not give a fuck like you.
I tell myself that I'm getting better but I am not. I tell my friend that I'm getting used to being alone, that we don't talk as often but that's just a lie. I've become dependant on that game you play. Treating me like I am the best damn thing in the world for a minute and the next one like I'm less than dirt. Highs and lows. I am left craving for the highs that become more sparse as time goes by.
I used to cry to you every time, whenever you hurt my feelings. That was until you started laughing and calling me a cry baby. How dare you laugh when I'm so hurt? You just don't care. I'm not shiny and new anymore. There is no novelty in me. You took the time to tear down my walls to make me drop everything and change my entire life and future for you, but now you got me. You're sure I won't leave, you have made sure about it.
For a while, I've just taken my time. Instead of crying to someone who doesn't care. I'm done begin for your sympathy or hoping you would have the decency to act concerned. I care so much about you. I don't want to upset you. You became the center of my world, but I think you're used to that.
You're used to be the center of everything and putting yourself first, always. You're a grown man. You will never change. "Love" can't change you. I can't change you. You keep showing yourself just the way you are and I try to look away.
I see everything, but I can't help but cling to whatever remains are there of what we once had. I had never felt something so overwhelming. I had never felt the urge to make someone mine. All the time in my past I had already a foot out, ready to leave. Why is it that I can't leave you?
I say "I love you" and most times you answer "okay". I forgot when was the last time you said it first. Maybe you just don't feel it anymore but I'm sure you can still feel how much I need you. I don't know.
You're not the type to feel pity. You wouldn't stay out of pity. Actually, if you felt pity, you would leave for once and for all. You would leave me be. I know that once you leave, I'm gonna be in pain. It's gonna hurt, but I will get better. I won't die for you. You are not the end.
To be honest, I shouldn't have to guess your feelings. I don't need to beg for scraps of love. Hell, you treat your dog better than you treat me. You treat me like I am worth nothing. It's all your way or it isn't. If I complain, I'm just exaggerating. If I call you out, you just say that I make you feel bad. You avoid me. You don't really apologize.
This is not how I had pictured love. This is not how being "in love" should feel. I miss when "you weren't comfortable with me." You were still afraid of losing me, so you at least seemed to care, as much as you could given the circumstances anyway.
The person I thought I knew is not there. I think that it never existed. Your stories were lies. You say your feelings were not, but I think you're just lying to yourself. You're not in love with me. I think that it was limerance at best.
It's okay. We both made mistakes.
Our mistakes started the first time we talked. We should've stayed away from each other. Our lives would be comfortable and better right now. If "fate" put us in each other's paths, it wasn't for the best. It was to laugh at how addicted two people can get to each other.
Or maybe, you were never addicted, fascinated, perhaps. I think you liked that person better, the person I was when we met. I'm the one who really changed. I don't think you did. I gave you every little bit of love that I could squeeze out of my heart, but that means nothing to you.
I'm stuck, wanting to go back to those times. Things were supposed to get better now that we can talk more, but everything feels worse. You may sometimes say that you love me, but I don't feel it anymore. You don't love me because if loved me, you wouldn't treat me the way you do. It is as simple as that. So, there is no need to guess at all.
