FCKMA

25- I Become an Alcoholic

A word of advice from the wise, nothing good can ever come from waking up at three am and staying awake for twenty four hours. Obviously, one wouldn’t consider me wise if I could give that advice after having firsthand knowledge of the effects it has, but I can honestly say that every stupid encounter makes me one the wiser.

The first of many mistakes came precisely at 3:01 am, in which I expertly decided that energy drinks would later mask the effects of my insomnia. What I didn’t take into account was that I was twelve hours too early in my caffeine-binge and that Caitlin was due to call me in a pre-wedding freak-out. Granted, her call didn’t reach me until four hours later; allowing the effects of the energy drink to wear off, and make me crazy enough to go out and buy twelve more.

Caitlin had spent the previous night with myself, her sister Cecilia, and a few of her high school friends hitting up clubs and having a few drinks. In addition to this late-night bachelorette party –of which I was the only one who was not married or engaged- I learned that the Anderson family had a tradition for the night before the wedding: the bride and groom were separated and allowed to have their own hotel suite with complementary drinks and room service. Caitlin, for whatever reason, was opposed to this luxurious ending to her evening.

“Who would want to spend the night before their wedding alone?” she objected.

“Someone who is about spend the rest of their life waking up to another person,” I answered for her. “At some point, you’re going to miss the feeling of an empty bed.”

Caitlin had scoffed at me. “I doubt it,” she said. “The only thing I miss is Alan.”

Now, as I remembered this while trying to ignore my ringing cell phone, I tried to prepare myself for the hellish day I had in front of me.

What the movies never tell you is how truly hectic the wedding day is for the maid of honor. If you’re single, there might be an eligible bachelor who’s a friend of a guest, or an attractive groomsman making eyes at you while the couple exchanges vows, but that’s only an hour of the day. The other twenty-three are filled with fulfilling the bride’s every request at great cost to your patience and sanity. See, I was not a hot, single bachelorette who was joining to fantasize about anyone’s cousin. I was in a committed relationship with Connor McAllister and my only job was to please the bride- not my own personal problems.

But before I could become the happy bridesmaid who danced with her boyfriend beside the happy couple, I had to become the hard-ass Maid of Honor who took shit from no one and would defend her best friend until the end. And I was fine with that. That’s why I bought the RedBull.

Knowing I was going to face many hours of phone calls, hairdressers, unruly relatives, catering mistakes, and photographers who didn’t know the first thing about cameras, I flipped on the television and watched the first thing that came up on the screen. I fell asleep probably ten minutes after that, and awoke only to the familiar screech of my cell phone.

“’Ello?” I answered groggily.

“Is that you, Ally?” Caitlin cried.

I mumbled into the phone a while longer. Then it finally hit me. This was Caitlin’s wedding day, and I had things to do.

“I cannot believe that you are still asleep!” she shrieked. “Do you realize that we need to meet with the florist in half an hour? And right after that we have to go pick up the dresses and get our hair done.” There was a scuffle that indicated that she placed her hand over the phone, but I could hear her shout “MA! Did someone call the photographer?”

When Mrs. Anderson did not answer, I responded, “Caitlin, the photographer has been called at he’ll be there at four,” I said. “The dresses have been picked up already.”