FCKMA

17 - I Swim With Sharks

The few days I had been back in Boston served only to remind me how dull and repetitive my life was before Christmas. Honestly, that was probably the only reason why people took vacations, just to escape from their regular lives.

My life seemed especially dull, as Caitlin had spent the duration of her time back moping around by the phone, claiming that she was waiting for Alan to call and break up with her. I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. I had surfed past three channels before Caitlin snatched the master remote from my fingers and shut the television off.

“God damn,” I commented. “You look more depressed than me.”

Caitlin did not smile at my little joke. In fact, it looked as though she found it rather insulting. I thought that was peculiar, as I had only meant it to insult myself.

“I know you probably don’t understand what it’s like to have a boyfriend cheat on you, because you have too much confidence to care-”

“Or because no one wants to date me,” I interrupted. “I don’t have confidence.”

“-but it really sucks, Ally, okay?” she continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “I actually really love Alan, and the fact that he doesn’t have the nerve to end things with me already just hurts.”

“You don’t even know if he’s cheating on you!” I shouted. Caitlin jumped in her seat. She was obviously surprised that I had raised my voice at her. The first day Caitlin had been a wreck about this, I had been considerate and gentle. The second day, I had been a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear. The third day, I had been sweet but I urged her to talk to Alan. But now, four days into the constant moaning and crying without Caitlin having done anything about her alleged problem, I was at my wit’s end. I had been cooped up with her for four days, only getting a break from her sobs when she was chewing her food. I was paranoid, and she needed to realize that she was being a little paranoid too.

“I can read the signs,” Caitlin said, hugging the pillow closer to her chest and standing from the couch. “I don’t need some loveless, single, lunatic to give me relationship advice when she can’t even hold down a boyfriend.”

I pursed my lips together in a tight line, withholding the nasty comment I was sure was going to escape despite my attempts to keep it unsaid. Caitlin was hurting –For no good reason, my mind interrupted- so her hostility was sure to go away once this conflict is resolved.

Caitlin walked to her bedroom briskly and slammed the door. I envisioned a version of myself that didn’t have a filter, and stood up to throw the phone at the back of Caitlin’s head with the force of a bullet. NEVER talk to me like that again, I wanted to say as I beat her to a pulp. At that moment, I wasn’t sure if I wanted my hallucination to become reality, or if I was lucky that I had enough self-control to prevent it.

I forced myself to cool down. Mallory Preston and I had decided to get together today for lunch. I wasn’t sure if her husband, Louis, was going to accompany us, but either way, I wanted to be on my best behavior.

The doorbell rang, and I went to answer the door. I didn’t think I had given Mallory my address, and I was under the impression that we were meeting at the restaurant. I opened the door anyway.

Alan Caudwell stood in the doorway with a worried expression on his face. I couldn’t help but shoot him a look of disgust, which I quickly masked with a look of confusion. “Hi, Alan,” I said. “Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year,” he returned, looking behind me as if he was searching for something.

“What brings you here this afternoon?” I asked him. I honestly didn’t know, because Caitlin had told me that he was ignoring her.