Built to be Abused

2.

It's simple really push people away so you don't get hurt, don't tell anyone how you're feeling or you will be weak.

But why is that even when I do these things I'm still in so much pain. But why in the end do I still fall for him
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was March a decently warm day, I was walking back home cause I refused to learn how to drive after my accident, I always get bitched at about that from my mom like I didn't almost die but okay.

I shook my head not looking up from the ground I should really learn how to do that. But I hate the feeling of having to look into someone eyes or have someone look into my eyes maybe see the real me, the real pain I go through and I don't want that.

The thought of relationships always made me mad, I've never wanted them or to be in them. It could've been from watching my mom be abused by a man or it could've been that I've never had affection growing so it makes me feel grossed out.  But I want it so bad at the same time, I want to feel loved. I want... no I need to know I'm good enough to be loved.

The best place I could think of that is fucking tinder why tinder I don't know, I've heard people throw it around as just something to do to past time.  So how bad could it be?

Once I finally got home, I could feel the dread that comes with living in this house. I could already hear my bed calling me to just get under the blanket and never come out again.

But I know if I don't say anything to my mom it will become 10x worse. I drag my feet along gravity making it feel like they are glued to the floor with each step. A echo in my ear of what sounds like loud stomping every time I finally get a foot up and put it down.

I make it into the living room and just like that there is the woman who gave me life sitting there with that I hate you stare, it always makes me throat go dry, feels like someone just kicked me in the stomach.

I didn't want my voice to break when I talk to her, it shouldn't break right? I shouldn't stutter talking to her right? I shouldn't be scared of what's going to happen if they way I say "Hi mom" isn't good enough today right?

With that stomach that constantly feels like it's getting kicked right now I take a deep breath and one rushed out sentence "hi mom I just got home, I'm going to be in my room if you need me." 

Just like that I watched her face looking searching for a reaction, a sign that what I said was okay or did I fuck up already? When I wasn't even home for 5 minutes. Her face never changes but the simple head nod tells me everything I need to know, it was okay I did okay. I can go to my room and not worry... thank you.

Once into my room, the only room that makes me feel safe. The blue walls with my dark blue hand prints all over them. The pile of clothes in the basket waiting to be taken out which I swear I'm going to do every time I see it.

The books from mangas to true crime to teen romance spread out on my book shelf. The stuffed animals all over my bed taking it up barley room for me just the way I like it.

I set down my backpack on the floor, throwing my hair up into a messing bun as I flop onto my bed. Grabbing my phone debating if getting tinder is the best idea.... it took awhile but I continued to open the apple store and downloaded it.