Have you ever been in a situation where you cannot do anything but cry? Let the tears flow until they stop, until it does not hurt you anymore, 'til you finally lost yourself in the process.
I've been living like that my whole life. Funny, right? My life is the biggest joke ever. I don't even know why I am still existing.
Am I living or simply trying to survive each freaking day?
Napabuntong-hininga ako nang sandaling iniangat ko ang aking tingin sa magandang tanawin sa 'di kalayuan. Malapit na ang takip-silim. Malapit na naman matapos ang isang araw nang gano'n lang. Walang kakaibang nangyari, paulit-ulit na lang.
"Umay," I whispered under my breath.
The cold afternoon breeze whistled causing me to hug myself. I smiled weakly when I realized that I have no one, just myself. While staring at the setting sun, I gave myself a slow pat on the shoulder.
"You did well, Priya. You survived today."
Kumapit ako nang mahigpit sa barandilya ng hanging bridge na kinatatayuan ko bago pumikit at damhin ang huni ng ibon, ingay na nilikha ng sumasayaw na mga sanga at dahon, at lagaslas ng tubig sa ilog na s'yang nagsisilbing musika sa payapang paligid.
Life is beautiful, they say. But why do I keep failing to see the beauty in it?
My parents. They are the sole reason why I failed to see its beauty. They made me realize that the world is not a flower field with butterflies and such. Life is cruel and so do the people who are living on it. A very dangerous world out there awaits those who aren't strong enough to survive.
Life isn't fairytale, fellas. It is a nightmare disguised as a dream.
Screams. Shattered objects. Tears. Endless fights.
Sanay na akong marinig ang pag-aaway ng mga magulang ko sa tuwing magpapang-abot sila sa bahay. Nasanay ako na habang lumalaki, normal na may nagliliparang gamit sa bahay na susundan ng malakas na sigawan. At first, I'd cry inside my room and pray desperately for them to stop. I would cover my ears while tears are flowing like a waterfall. Hanggang sa makatulog ako na nakasandal sa pinto ng kwarto at nakayakap sa mga binti ko. Magigising na lang ako kinabukasan na humupa na ang sigawan at kaguluhan, isang indikasyon na wala na sila parehas sa bahay at pumasok na sa kaniya-kaniyang trabaho.
But now, I am used to it. Heck, who wouldn't be? I keep witnessing the same thing all over again. From then on, I did not shed a single tear anymore. I'd shut the door in my room when they come home, turn the music up, try not to give a damn, and go to sleep with a heavy heart.
I am used to it, but it does not mean that I am not hurting anymore; that it doesn't pain me to see my parents fighting like there's no tomorrow. It pained me more than anything else. The scar is going to live inside me forever and it totally sucks.
Life sucks. And so does my existence.
"Huwag kang magpapakamatay, may nagmamahal sa'yo!"
Napamulat ako nang wala sa oras nang maramdaman ang biglang paggalaw ng hanging bridge. At dahil na rin sa pagkagulat sa malakas na sigaw ay muntik na akong mawalan ng balanse.
"What the hell!" I screamed when I was about to fall out of the bridge. Napapikit akong muli dahil sa matinding takot at kaba nang maalala kung gaano kataas ang babagsakan ko. Hindi magkamayaw ang pintig ng puso ko sa halu-halong emosyon na nararamdaman ko habang iniisip ang naglalakihang bato sa ilog na maaring kumitil sa akin sa isang iglap.
Naghihintay akong bumagsak ang katawan ko sa malamig na tubig ngunit hindi ito nangyari. I heard a deep sigh on my back and realized that someone's holding the collar of my shirt.
