Warmth

▪ 5 ▪

I kept saying to myself 'I have no right. I have no right. I have no right to get upset over this.' I heard myself breathing heavily and clenched the phone in my hand tighter.

Apparently, I was going through Nathan's profile to see photos of his achievements in various debate championships, science fairs, physics or mathematics Olympiads, when suddenly my eyes caught the recent picture he just posted.

His arm was around a very beautiful, preppy looking girl, both of them were smiling at the camera gleefully. In another picture, she was clutching his arm closely and leaned her head on his shoulder and he was smiling widely wrapping an arm around her waist.

For someone who didn't like touching or any kind of 'skinship' much, he looked rather comfortable and happy even. I knew that because he always makes sure our hands don't get in contact during our hangouts and tutoring sessions.

She wasn't his sister or cousin. Because I knew she was from our school; I had biology with her. And I also knew she was in his friend's circle but something about the way they held each other told me that there was more friendship blooming there.

Suddenly I felt my heart break into a million pieces. My whole body became numb.

I had no right to get upset over this; we were not dating and the chances of us becoming a thing were very slim even in the future. He was free to do whatever he wanted.

What was I even expecting? That I would go to talk to him and suddenly even if I wasn't the prettiest, he'd fall for my personality and everything then he would propose to me to be his girlfriend?

Was I an idiot?

I saw his friend circle. It didn't take a genius to figure out that I was definitely not his type. Guys like him go for preppy girls with a perfect school record. And I was far from that standard. The fact that I was at least able to become his friend and remained his friend for months now was more than I could wish for.

I was too out of his league.

Of course, he had a lot of friends and he was a very good-looking guy so he probably had a lot of girls interested in him too. He was not a ladies' man but probably he was interested in one of them too. It was absolutely normal. 

Suddenly I lost all interest in my phone as I threw it on the bed and fell on my back. A tear rolled down my eyes as I quickly wiped it off my cheek.

Just like how we can't control who we fall for, the same way we can't control for whom our hearts break.

_

I was supposed to meet Nathan at the library in the afternoon. Again it was me who asked him for some help in chemistry just for the sake of hanging out with him. Honestly, I didn't give a fuck about chemistry, I was pretty good at it anyway. All I wanted was just to talk with him and be with him for some time. In my own little dreamlands, I always imagine these little hangouts of ours as unofficial dates.

But those happened all before I saw those pictures on his profile. 

Now with a dejected heart and sluggish steps, I entered the library where he was already sitting at the furthest corner.

"Hey," I said with a forced smile when I approached him

He looked up from his book and offered me a wide smile. "Hey. You're late." Then he frowned. "What's wrong? You look like your goldfish just died."

I let out a dry chuckle as I sat beside him. "First of all, I don't even have a goldfish. Secondly, no, I'm okay. Sorry, I'm late."

"It's alright. I'm glad I was the early one today."

'No, you weren't the early one. I just entered the library late intentionally today.' As much as I wanted to say that, I didn't. 

"Okay, so let's get started. I wanna finish this quickly and go home." I said taking the thick chemistry book from the table.

His face fell and looked at me strangely. "You can't stay for long today?" Then he gave a small, awkward smile. "I'm totally free today. I was thinking if we could hang out all day."

"But I have work today and I gotta go home early so..." I uttered passively.

He stared at me for some time with an unfathomable yet concerned expression. "Sasha, is anything wrong? You can tell me, you know. I know you have a bad habit of keeping your feelings bottled up but you can always talk to me. We're friends after al--"

As soon as he uttered the word friends, I lost it.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yelled and he visibly flinched. "Does everything always have to be about you? You always come late and when I'm late for once that's the first thing you nitpick about. I always plan the hangouts according to your schedules and you never ever bother to ask mine. And I said I just wanna go home fucking early today!!"

He looked at me with sheer surprise and shock and I started feeling bad straightaway.

It was wrong of me. He did nothing; I was taking out my frustration and anger on a guy who had never even talked rudely to me once, let alone done anything to me.

"You were the one who approached me. You were the one who called me to help you with your studies. Yes, I admit I have a hectic schedule but I try my best to make time for you, don't I? Is it so wrong to expect your friends to adjust?" He said softly as I saw the angry librarian approaching us. " I don't think I deserve to put up with any of this."

"Nathan..."

With that, he took his books quickly and walked out of the door even before the librarian reached us. Then the old lady of a librarian kicked me out.

Even she didn't spare me a look of sympathy when I started sobbing silently on my spot. Nathan was her favorite student, after all, not me.

_

Word count: 1029