Everything You Never Had

Rot

For all the information I gave the FBI they let me get into witness protection since ultimately I was the victim or some shit like that. I moved far away from Rey ironically, settling in the suburbs of New York. Finding a substitute for Drago didn't take too long. After some surfing on a porn hub site for three weeks, I found one. She was brutal and started off with a bang. She did take pictures but it was always dark in the room, and never went past my ass. Though she was a little annoying in one area.

"Who hurt you?"

She said sitting across from me on the couch. I was on the ottoman as a table stands between us. I muttered reaching for the half-empty whiskey bottle as she pulled it to her side. Groaning in frustration her curiosity only continued to grow.

"It's rare I get you drunk enough and okay with talking-"

"Who said I was okay with it?..."

I hissed and rose up from the ottoman then picked up the whiskey bottle on her side. I tipped up then drank down the rest of it, as she took that chance to pin me to the table. The bottle dropped out of my hand from the impact as I said.

"Geez, your crazy..."

"Ah ah, eyes on me."

Lifting my chin with her hands, knowing I was sleepy, she enunciated.

"Who hurt you?"

"Myself, why do you care-"

"All you have to do is tell me a line."

After a few breaths, I finally said.

"No matter what I do, everything I touch turns to shit."

She acted seriously for a second but then busted out laughing.

"You should make movies. Okay strip down, I have some quotas to fill."

"I'm tired alright-"

"Does it look like I care? Plus you can just sleep it off."

If you're wondering, yes she is a she-male. The rest of the night like most others was a blur of flashes from her iPhone, my scratching moans sinking into the bedsheets. I woke up naked on the floor, feeling nauseous, I made a dash to the toilet. Opening the lid I retched heavily before eventually getting everything out.

"Ew..."

I said, now I really can't recognize myself anymore. But what's the point? Maybe if I drink enough I can do the world a favor and just die. Believe it or not, after the porn star left out today, she never came back. Must have gotten bored with me. She left the liquor though. So I drank and drank and drank, letting my head sink down into the deep recesses of my consciousness. Whenever I would come back, I wouldn't move, just existing hurt so much.

"Hello."

I found some scissors in the drawer, then looked down at my wrists. A lump formed in my chest. Not this shit again. Aiming the sharp edge at my wrist my hands started to shake, then I flinched and dropped the scissors. As they clattered on the floor I only managed to cut my thumb. Watching it bleed only gave me temporary comfort as I slumped down and started to cry.

"Why are you still holding on?"

I said as tears streamed down my face.

"Why can't you just let go..."

Taking the last whiskey bottle in my hand, I started to drink it then just threw it into the wall as it shattered.

"You know what? Fuck you, I'm doing it."

I said to my heart, finding a good steep building to jump off of. I tried so many times to take the final steps. People gathered, tried to tell me how life is more than whatever I was feeling. But fuck that, fuck all of that. Why is so hard to just give up!

"Natasha?"

"Rey..."

I said still on the hiatus of my anger, turning to her practically broken into multiple pieces but I didn't accept whatever she wanted.

"Here to push me off since I don't have the balls to do it myself? Go ahead."

Outstretching my arms Rey started.

"I was too late to save you-"

"Oh, that's rich coming from you. You pulled me out of the hole just to bury me six feet deeper!"

"But now I'm here..."

Rey was slowly closing the space between us as I backed away.

"I can't let you do this."

"Do what?"

"This! You're trying to save me, and I can't let you-

"I'm not trying to save you!"

I gasped since I started to slip off from the edge of the building, but Rey caught my shirt just in time. Ironically, I gripped her arm back with my own.

"I'm telling you to forgive yourself!"

"Why should I?"

Whimpering, I asked again.

"Why!"

"Because of what you're doing right now."

Looking down again at my arm, I was gripping it for dear life, I didn't want to die. But I didn't want to live either, it hurt so much. I can't believe I'm saying this.

"How do you know I won't screw it up again?"

I said as Rey smiled at me.

"I don't, it's a leap of faith."

Scoffing I found myself smiling as she pulled me into a hug and safely away from the edge. I collapsed onto the ground and went into a deep cry as I hugged her back.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

"It's okay."

Rey suddenly kissed my forehead, that's when I really felt how warm she was. The police and ambulance showed up of course. But once I was cleared I went to stay the night at Rey's. Her lifestyle was relatively like I figured, FBI of some kind.

"Is there anything I should know now?"

As she caught my gaze toward the alcohol in her kitchen back cabinet.

"I'm apparently addicted to sex and alcohol. If my mental state wasn't obvious, I am broken in so many pieces I don't know what fits anymore..."

"I appreciate the honesty."

Rey said, suddenly taking my hands in her own.

"Now I want to say something out loud for me."

"Okay, what is it?"

"I forgive myself."

Before my gaze lowered too far, she shook for my attention again.

"You can do it, I believe in you, Natasha."

"I..."

I started, taking a shaky breath.

"I forgive..."

Muttering under my breath I finally said.

"I forgive myself."

"Told you."

Rey said as a smile grew on my face, she started to lean in to kiss me, but I put a hand over her mouth and said.

"Addicted to sex remember? We should probably avoid any contact like that until we know I'm stable."

"Touchè."

Arching up Rey kissed my forehead.