To Hurt

C A R A M E L L O

It's funny how an advertisement reminded me of this, but I remember a day that I can't stop thinking about.

On that particular day, we were out buying toiletries for before I left for school. My boarding school required for us to bring some snacks to munch on at odd times of the day and on weekends, but that was not possible for me. We were poor, snacks were not a priority.

One thing about my situation is that it forced me to mature prematurely. I was only 9 years old but I would always have to remember how I'm not like my peers whenever I wanted to ask for something. I had accepted that I couldn't have 'nice things' pretty early, but that one day I couldn't help myself. I saw a bar of chocolate, the caramel-infused type, and I was sold. Preparing myself for dissapointment, I went ahead, "Mama, can I have chocolate?" I swear she almost cried right there and then. It brings me to tears just thinking about it now.

What broke my heart about this was that it made my mom's heart ache. She felt that it was her fault that I thought we didn't deserve a good life. She wanted to give me everthing under the sun, but she was incapable. She was unemployed.

I immediately felt guilty in that moment, standing in that busy aisle with a fresh teardrop on my chest. Why would you do that?, I scolded myself. "Baby, you know I can't. I only have enough for your toiletries, but you know I would right?" she whispered as she caressed my wet cheek. Right away I nodded, I didn't want to stress her out.

We proceeded to pay for the items, when God showed his face. The shop uses a system of membership cards and points for swiping. She happened to have a few extra points. She turned to me with a huge smile, saying I could quickly go get my chocolate.

I think back to how she was more ecstatic than I was that day. As an adult, I can only look at that moment with a heart full of sorrow because it was deeper than putting a smile on her baby's face. She saw an opportunity to compensate for everthing else that I would not get because of our lack of money. She saw a chance to give me a "normal child" experience.

I hate everything about that. She didn't deserve to feel that way.

At that stage, she was the most perfect thing in my innocent eyes. Even in the midst of all this emotional turmoil, I never put any blame on her.

As I got older, things began to change, but that's a story for another day.