Fire In My Eyes

5

It was a long couple of days off. I was just itching to get back to work. As much as I was going stir crazy, holed up all day, I had a lot of time to think. I isolated myself pretty much. I just, couldn't bring myself to do it. I know what I promised, and I know what I had a chance at, and I think I blew it. I never called Casey back. I felt shitty about it, I really did, but what was I gonna say? Hey, I'm a disaster of a person who can't decide if she loves you or not, and our kiss left me even more conflicted, but please come to the shitty place that I lied about having and have dinner with me? Not a chance. Not now, and especially now with everything happening around me.

I had missed another call from Stateville. I refused to answer it. I walked up to the firehouse, after a long walk to think from home. it didn't help much. I was still lost for words. I didn't know what to do. I walked up and went inside, keeping my head down and ducking into the hall. So far, nobody even seemed to notice. I let out a sigh of relief and went to my locker room. Herrmann was in there with Otis talking about Molly's. I internally cursed and went to my locker, having hoped to be alone. "Hey, there she is!" Herrmann smiled. "How are you feeling?" "Feeling good Herrmann, thank you," I replied dumping my stuff. "Hey, Shay was looking for you," Otis smiled. "I'll go find her in a minute," I replied locking my locker.

I scooted past and took my overalls and gear out to the floor and put it near the truck. "Hey! There you are!" Shay called. I bit my tongue and turned, "hey Lessie." She smiled getting close. "How are you feeling?" She asked. "Better," I said honestly, "still sore as all balls, but better." She chuckled nodding. "Of course, now spill!" She smirked whispering now. I bit my tongue. "Spill what?" I asked. "Oh don't play dumb," she smirked. "Dinner with Casey." "Uhm...." I slowly started to back away. "I didn't call." I then turned on my heel and ran down the hall. "Hey, Caddel!" She called chasing after me. "Yes, Lessie?" I called. She caught my arm and pulled me to a stop, dragging me into the briefing room.

I sighed going over to the table. She locked the door and looked. "What happened?" I cleared my throat. "I didn't call him. I... I pussied out." "Yeah, I'll say," she scoffed, chuckling dryly in disbelief. "Why?" "I don't know, I just couldn't do it. I tried. Multiple times. It just never happened. I couldn't face him, and now I can't face him. I let him down." She grabbed my face. "Caddel, stop. It will be just fine. Casey is crazy about you, and you're dramatic," she chuckled. "It'll be okay." I nodded sighing. "Alright Lessie, okay," I agreed. She nodded. "Great, and you're coming to Molly's after shift," she smiled. "We'll get drinks." "So Herrmann can stick me in the kitchen you mean," I chuckled. She chuckled too.

"Alright, let's go," she said going to the door and exiting. Coincidently, Casey passed at the same time, glancing at me. I gulped slightly and put my head down. "Caddel, write up that statement for me and get it in my office by noon?" "Yes Lieutenant," I said and watched him carry on. He was hard to ready at that moment. He had no definitive tells. He wasn't upset, or mad, or even overjoyed. He was just, neutral. I bit my tongue and went into the bunk room. I walked over to my bunk and sat, getting the notepad out of my drawer.

I started to write down my statement. Pouch wandered in and hopped up on the bed with me and laid her head in my lap. I stopped writing and pet her. "Do you want attention baby? I'll give you attention. She panted happily as I pet her. She gently licked my hand. I smiled petting her. "Good girl." "Truck 81, Ambulance 61, Woman stuck, Racine and Kenton." I looked up and scratched her ears. "Later puppy, I'll bring you back a treat," I cooed getting up. She barked softly and laid where I was once sitting. I smiled and ran out to the apparatus floor. I tugged on my gear and jumped into the truck.

Cruz drove after the ambo. I rolled my neck with a pop. I was all stiff from doing nothing all break. Thank god it was only a couple of days. I swore never to take a furlough for this exact reason. No matter what I'm dealing with, if I'm left to just sit and muddle in it, then I'm worse off. Being on the job gives me a purpose to move on. It forces me to forget it all so I can focus on my job. I cleared my throat slightly, shaking my head. This caused Herrmann to pat my knee. I looked at him, and we shared a nod.