365 Days of Writing

abuse

Today, I was going to write about leadership, but due to other things I've got to discuss abuse and abusive relationships.

Let's start with a fun fact: those who experienced abuse at a young age are prone to entering an abusive relationship with thier spouse. This doesn't have to happen, but studies show it is related. This matters because my mother falls into this statistic.

I was raised in an a household with emotional abuse. As unintentional or unnoticed as it is from the abuser's side, it happened and happens to this day. My mother admits it and sees what it is doing to her, but she won't give up on him. This isn't stockholm syndrome or anything off the wall like that, she just cares a lot for the man she loves and who continues to be a prick to her.

Let's be clear. This isn't some cute love story. YOU SHOULD NOT ROMANTICIZE THIS! This is a woman concerned for herself and her children and the effect it is having on the family, but cannot let her husband suffer. She sees him trying to fix things (which he is) and loving his children dearly (because he does). She loves him enough to be patient and resilient, but this wouldn't have happened if she had seen the signs and stood up for herself properly. I'm writing this to all the 13 to 20 somethings who think they know what they want and can't see the dangers. This includes girls and guys too. Here's what you need to know.

Werewolves are not good spouses. These are the ones who are normally loving and trustworthy, but in the heat of the moment they will hurt you physically or blame you for whatever they did wrong. They have thier moods where they will shower you with affection and love but some days turn around and be aweful. Not only will it be unexpected, but it will create a one-sided fight you cannot win. The first thing you do is don't stand down. If they win, you lose and they learn that. If they hit a soft spot, be sure they know it. Cry or yell, but don't submit. They don't have the right to treat to you that way because you are thier equal. They are not a monster you can't fight. If it ever feels like you are unsafe, leave and call for help. In the early stages, you can stay in control by recognizing if it gets physically threatening and separating yourself. Guys, don't let her bruise or cut you (unless it's kinky). Girls don't get that aggressive normally.

Vampires are dangerous monsters. These are the controlling ones who separate you from your world. Twilight is a very good example of this. Bella and Edward are captured by each other. This is codependency. It's so bad that Bella leaves all her family and friends for him. Not only is it dangerous for the one being separated from thier support lines, it's toxic for the one in control. With all the power and control, the vampire will dictate the chores, the diet, and the sexual interactions of the household. The victim is no more than a slave to thier needs. Avoid vampires as they start with neediness and control over your time. Your boyfriend or girlfriend should not control you. You are two equal individuals sharing time with each other, not demanding pictures and time and resources. Early relationships should never be demanding. They should be enjoyable and sometimes challenging personally as you work to understand each other. Walk away early by noticing when it starts conflicting with your normal interests or leaving you exhausted.

Fear the overattentive sensei (teacher). One thing I've never experienced for myself is the groomer, but research has led me to multiple stories and they all have the same plot. These are the older men and women who notice you when no one else does. They help you, listen to you, and give you a safe place. Normally this is okay, but it starts to creep when they take you to quiet places and touch you more then your general friends and family do. If there is anything I've learned from being married, intimate touch is light and gentle. It is soothing and comes up in regular life. Close friends of the same age can tussle and lay all over each other and be comfortably close, but older adults don't do this with thier young friends. It's socially frowned upon as human reflex and everyone knows that. Pedophiles and groomers are the exception. If you feel an older friend is becoming uncomfortably close, tell them and distance yourself before it gets dangerous. Seek help from a support line the same age as the sensei so they can correct the behavior.

If you or anyone you know is in the middle of a relationship like any of the ones described, there is help.

USA: https://www.healthymindhappyheart.org/24-hour-helplines

UK:
https://www.thespark.org.uk/relationship-support-for-couples-individuals/relationship-helpline/

There are others out there for all over the world. Do not feel like you are alone. You are not alone. Do not battle it alone.