Venting;D

1

Monday 8th February 2021
14:56PM. GMT

I cant with online school. This shit sucks and it just makes me feel worse about my scores on tests. Im on the verge of tears because of Geography as I only got 5/30 ot smth. Not my fault I have a shit memory. Blame my parents who also have horrible memory. My memory leaves after like a week, and sometimes I can come home from school and I wouldve forgotten EVERYTHING. I dont understand anymore. I havent done any online school work and I dont want to go back to school because of it. My dad tells me not to stress but its hard not to.

My dad is kind but is rarely at home because of school.My brother, having ADHD, never talks to me and is normally maf when I disturb him.I fall asleep during the day, and miss my lessons sometimes. When I try to sleep at night, though, I cant.

(Now, Im actually very young, but know things I shouldnt. I know shit like Sex, pedophelia, rape, consent, abuse, depression etc
Things like that

My age? 11-14. (not saying what sorry:( where I live in England we have sex ed at age 14 but by time we had that I would be 15)

Dont bully me bc of my age, it changes nothing about my writing and how I talk. Not my fault my parents didnt do the cha-cha slide seggsy version in the stone ages.)

Now because of my age, I feel as though my parents wont believe me if I say, "Oh hey, I dont feel well emotionally, And I want to see if I can get tested for anxiety, depression n stuff" because I dont think they'll believe me.

I havent told my dad about the anxiety and depression thing, but ive told him about my sleeping habits. He said that because of my age, they cant really do anything about it because sleeping pills can be harmful as it effects the human body.

My confidence is super low meaning its hard for me to make friends. Back in primary, it was so easy to make friends since I knew all of them since I was really young and actually had the confidence. But, more than half of my friends went to a different school to me. Some moved away, left me or just dont talk to me at school. Now, my confidence is absolutely DESTROYED. School was easier in Primary and its so fucking hard in secondary. Im mostly sat alone at lunch, and even then I dont eat. Im either not hungry, feel to fat or just dont want to eat.  At breaks, im left alone for like, an hour not talking to anyone. I would love to talk to people but most of the girls at my school are chavs or just straight up bitches, and the boys are just jerks and ship me with every single boy I talk to. Ive lost more friends than ive made and I hate it. Im in top set at school, meaning I have the hardest work. And fuck, I cant do it. Ive lost track of the amount of times ive cried over school at home or in the school bathrooms. Math, oh how I hate maths and dont understand it. I fucking hate covid. If it wasnt for covid, I wouldnt be top set and wouldve been in middle or bottom as our tests didnt get submit and we were judged on school work (WHICH I HAD HELP WITH). It honestly sucks knowing Im not capable of the work im given. Back to friends, Its so hard for me to make them because im socially awkward. I only talk to people in my class if forced to. All my family says is "boost your confidence" im SORRY that its hard for me to do so. Yeah, Its my fault that I make friends better online bc I can chat to them without using my voice.

I hate being called the perfect child in my family. Im not capable of that and it hurts. Because I push myself to do something I cant.It feels like im being expected to do something I cant do and it makes me feel disappointed in myself.

I dont want my parents to be disappointed in me. It makes me feel horrible..

All I can do is cry at night. And thats what I do. Nobody listens. Nobody cares.