Venting;D

A message I made 20 minutes ago for my friend.

Tuesday 16th February 2021
03:29am

Phoebie, im so sorry. Im gonna be offline for a while. I just cant at this point. Im having a breakdown and its 3:10 in the morning. Im trying to stay quiet, my thoat hurts.. I just wanna scream but I know I cant. If god is real then why did he do this to me? Literally, earlier on I had to run out of my living room to the bathroom and cry so I wasnt infront of my dad. I lied and said I felt sick. Phoebie it hurts. It really does. Knowing im a screw up and that im failing most of my classes. Ive done like no work during online school so far and im expected to catch up in 6 days. It hurts knowing im not capable of what im expected to or even be myself for that matter. I dont like disappointing my dad, it makes me feel awful but lately I feel as though its all im doing. Im either not eating, not drinking, not doing both, or eating too much or drinking too much. I feel like im getting fatter and I hate it. I hate being insecure about everything. I feel like such a misfit and I cant even sleep anymore. I cant even stop myself from eating either and its so annoying.I cant even talk to my dad about how I feel because im too scared to tell anyone and I trust my dad more than anything. I think The reason I can tell you is because I dont want want you to worry and plus Im texting this to you, not telling you in person. I can act around my dad. Not over text. I dont know how im even texting this right now my vision is foggy. Im sorry about the time but I just cant atm. I feel like I mess everything up. I even lost my 10 year best friend over a fucking dumb ass argument. why. Why is my life like this? Why have I got to put up with this? Im (age) I dont want to feel like I need to disappear for everyone to be happy but thats all it is rn. I just dont want to feel anything anymore. Its too much. Im not gonna hurt myself. Ive promised myself that. I just need a break from people. Ive already had about 20 breakdowns in 2021 so far. And again, im (age).. I dont understand why I have to put up with the social anxiety. Why I have to put up with loosing all my friends.I cant help but cry helplessly whilst everyone else is gone. It hurts more than anything knowing that a lot of people you know would be happier with you not around. I just want to disappear. I just want to make everyone happy, but how can I do that when I cant even make myself happy? Im sick of pretending to be someone im not. Im sick of having to put up with this. Im (age) and already want to disappear. Please I cant do this. Why do I put up with this? It hurts so goddamn much.Im such a fucking failure and I hate it. I just want my dad to be proud of me but I dont know how to. I just want to be happy like when I was years ago. This hurts. I cant do it anymore. It sucks. I miss when life wasnt problematic and I could be myself and wouldnt be judged or I wouldnt cry. I miss my friends. I miss my old teachers. I miss my old life. I miss my happiness. Its not fair that I have to act happy at (age) years old... Im so done. I'll probably think of something else soon. But I wont be back for a while. Thanks for understanding. I love you, thanks for being there for me when nobody else was.

Sorry for putting my problems onto you.