By Your Side | Cha Eunwoo

Part 2

Grrrrrr

Eunwoo is woken by the shrilling sound of a blender. At first, his mind leads him to believe that he's in his dormitory and one of his members is making a smoothie. However, as consciousness settles in, and the hardness of the wooden crates digs into his shoulder, he's reminded of the truth. 

"Thank you for the tip. Enjoy. Goodbye!"

He's wide awake now. He wishes he wasn't. Everything weighs down on him once more and he feels paralyzed lying on the wooden crates with a thin blanket draped over him. Tears prick the corners of his eyes once more. You'd think by now he'd have no more tears left to cry. Nope. Silent sobs escape him. 

Eunwoo hasn't cried like this since he was a child. It feels relieving yet overwhelming at the same time.

A bell jingles behind him.

"Hello!" The girl's melodic voice rings, "let me know if you need help with something."

She had brought Eunwoo to her job at a 24-hour convenience store. Why had she been so kind to him out there? Is she a fan or something? Oh my god, what if she took his phone and wallet while he was sleeping. 

His hands swiftly to his coat pockets. Patting them and feeling the shape of his phone and wallet, he lets out a relieved sigh. Everything's there. 

He sits up straight in the cot. It creaks beneath him but thankfully, doesn't collapse. He's still so tired that his head feels heavy. How long was he asleep?

"Oh, you're awake."

Eunwoo lifts his gaze to the girl. She's young, probably the same age as him. Her light brown hair is not well maintained, looks like she cut it herself. Guessing from her features, she's Asian but not entirely. The structure of her strong jaw, the melanin in her honey skin and her freckles indicates that one of her parents is probably foreign. 

There is not a trace of an accent when she speaks Korean, it sounds native. "How are you feeling?" she asks, smiling and leaning against the counter of the cashing machine. 

Eunwoo hesitates. Why did she help him? "I'm better now, thank you for your help."

The girl's kind eyes, the colour of a hazelnut, are warm and understanding. She doesn't look like she recognizes him. Either she's just a good person or good at pretending not to be a obsessed fan. 

Eunwoo looks past her onto the glass screen. It's still dark outside. "What time is it?"

"Around four in the morning. You've been out for a little while." Just then, two middle-aged men arrive at the cashier. The girl pauses her conversation with Eunwoo to greet them. Eunwoo ducks his head sideways so the men can't see his face. He doesn't want anyone to recognize him. The two men grumble when the girl requests them to show their ID while purchasing some cigarettes and soju. They also buy two bowls of ramyeon and rice and kimchi and sausages. They must be really hungry at four in the morning. 

When they leave-- without responding to the girl's warm goodbye, she turns back to face Eunwoo. She doesn't look tired at all and continues talking as if she was never interrupted. "You must be going through a really tough time. Would you want to talk about it?"

Again, Eunwoo hesitates. He's never talked to anyone about his paralyzing depression. Why would he share it with some random girl. Plus, as considerate as she's been with him, her motives are still unclear. He didn't want to say something and then have her leak it to the reporters. It's happened before and it got him in a lot of trouble at Fantiago.

Sensing his uncertainty, she quickly adds, "don't feel like you have to. I'm only asking because you look very distressed. Sometimes, talking to a stranger can help relieve some of the pain. I won't judge you, you know. I just want to help. I'm a really good listener."

Her words are sweet, and they hit the exact spot that makes him tear up again. He tries to hold back the tears but fails. Eunwoo hides his face between his fingers and holds back the sob. "I'm sorry, I don't know what's come over me."

"It's alright." She's by his side, rubbing circles on his back again. It feels comforting. "You must be hurting."

He nods. She understands. Who cares about motives anyway. "It's just... everything's... been a lot."

"Yeah?" her voice drops low, just above a mellow whisper, "that must suck."

"It does!" he sighs, exasperated. "It's the schedule and the people and the expectations. All everyone can see is how good-looking I am, but no one accounts for all the work I do and all my effort. Everyone wants something from me, but no one ever asks what I want."

"What do you want?"

"A break. I want a break. From everything. I want to wake up in the morning and take a breath of fresh air without people shoving interview reviews down my throat. And I want to be appreciated. Not just for my face but the work that I do. It's hard to juggle everything, and I'm trying my best but no one sees my struggle. It's go-go-go but then as soon as I mess up, it's blown up back in my face."

Eunwoo wipes his nose with the sleeve of his coat, but even bothering about how expensive it was. 

"Seems like you've been holding a lot in. All those emotions... whoo, I can't even imagine." She magically pulls out a pack of tissues and hands him one. He accepts it. "Do you have someone in your life that you can talk to about these things?"

He thinks for a moment. "I have my parents and my members but... I don't want to burden them with my worries. They're already so stressed in their own lives, I can't help but feel I'll just add onto that, you know what I mean?" he looks into her eyes. 

She nods. "Yeah, I understand. But sometimes it's still good to let it out rather than bottle it in."

"Ugh, I'm such a mess." 

"Ahahah, aren't we all." She pats down her messy hair. "If it makes you feel better at all, I commend you for your bravery."

Silence lapses between the two as Eunwoo blows his nose into the tissue paper. The girl hands him another one which he takes to wipe his eyes and wet cheeks. "Sometimes, I really want to let it all out but there's always something holding me back. I don't know what it is that stops me. Maybe it's the fear of disapproval."

"Yea, maybe."

"You know what you offered before?"

"What did I offer?"

It's really embarrassing and awkward to admit. "You know... the talking thing. With strangers. That?"

"Oh, yea. I do remember that."

He clears his throat. "It sounds like a good offer right now."

The girl's eyes shine. "I got time," she grins, "We don't get many customers in the morning. Do you want some ramyeon and hot chocolate? Not specifically together but they're the two best things we need to get started. My treat."

Eunwoo manages to give her a watery smile. "I'd like that."