Gods & Monsters

Chapter 19 (Part 5)

Fuck. He's fucking it all up.

"I never wanted to 'win' you for the game," he continues quietly, an ache in his chest. Or his heart, maybe. "I never wanted to win you but I wasn't strong enough to stay away." He stares at his feet. "I tried so hard to avoid chasing you. I tried not to kiss you, tried not to make any moves—"

"I asked you out," Harry suddenly mumbles, the words a little wet when they leave his lips. Louis looks up, surprised; Harry appears dazed almost, lost in thought, mouth still faintly twisted in a frown. "I was the one who kissed you. I was the one who asked you out... You never did... At the time, I wasn't sure if you were even interested. I was so confused..."

Frowning, Louis shrugs, watching the moisture collect in Harry's eyes and feeling it resonate in his pulse. "I wasn't strong enough to say no but I just couldn't..." He looks away. "I couldn't do it myself, no matter how badly I wanted it."

Harry remains silent, sitting quietly like the polite little beautiful bird that he is; all large, watery eyes and sour lips and pale hands. Everything that Louis wants and everything that Louis wishes he could heal.

He feels himself frown when he speaks again. "But then you asked me that night and I couldn't decline," he says, shame bleeding through his words. "Cuz I just wanted to be with you. I was selfish and that's what I wanted. Even though I was still talking to Liam, I still wanted you for myself, kept trying to convince me and Liam both that it was still, at least in part, because of the game." The words feel so goddamn heavy as they hang in the air, they feel so fucking awful, and Louis can't bring himself to look at Harry now. "I didn't know what I was doing, Harry. I had no fucking clue. Cuz, see, I was trying so hard to be who I thought I was, you know? I was trying to be all cool and unaffected and all that fucking bullshit but, in reality, I wasn't any of that. Already, I was beginning to loathe Liam, hating him for making everything so fucked up, blaming him for all my mistakes. Yet. Still. I tried to cling to the idea that I wasn't gone for you, that I was still the arsehole that I'd been before. Up until..." He trails off, stomach dropping at the memory.

God, it all just sounds so much worse when he says it aloud. He wants to stop, wants to never speak again. He's so bad at all of this.

He rubs a hand over his eyes, slumped. He's fucking this up, it's all he can think about.

"Up until what?" a tentative voice says.

Blinking, Louis drops his head, turning a surprised gaze to Harry, who sits quietly and curiously, a frail intensity etched in the lines of his face. He's not blinking, he's just staring at Louis, and Louis misses him, loves him, craves him so much that he's momentarily quiet, unable to conjure up his voice.

Then he clears his throat, breathes, and barrels onward.

"Up until the night of our first date," he exhales, watching Harry watching him. He's hanging on to his every word. It spurs Louis' blood but he doesn't think, just speaks. "Liam had planned it out beforehand. I'd told him we were gonna go out because I was still a fucking idiot at the time, even though it made me sick. The entire thing was making me sick; I only felt good around you. When it was just us. But that hadn't totally clicked yet so I'd told him and he planned everything and... Do you remember? Remember that restaurant?"

Harry nods, and his eyes look a little more dry, his face more composed. Good.

"Well, Liam chose the place." Wordlessly, Harry's eyebrows furrow. "He wanted us to eat dinner there, just long enough for me to successfully charm you or get you drunk, or whatever. I don't know. Then I was supposed to take you back to the car and...do whatever."

At this, Harry noticeably cringes, looking away with such sharpness that it absolutely splits clear through Louis' chest, crumbling any composure he'd feigned internally.