Breathe

Breathe Chapter 1: Timshel

Chapter 1: Timshel

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 “The mirror can lie.
Doesn't show you what's inside.
And it, it can tell you you're full of life.
It's amazing what you can hide just by putting on a smile.” 

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The clear liquid falls down the milky skin of her cheek as she folds the paper before putting it in the envelope, sealing it, and setting it on top of the others. She promised herself that she wouldn’t cry, she thought that she couldn’t cry anymore. Yet here she is, blinking back tears.

Taking a deep breath she stands up, pushing her chair back, before grabbing the stack of letters and making her way to the door. She turns to look over the room once more. It’s time to let it all go, say goodbye. She looks over the perfectly made bed, the tidy desk, and the pictures that sit on her nightstand. She would say that she is going to miss it, but she won’t, she can’t. It’s impossible. 

Slowly backing out of the room she shuts the door, before turning and making her way to the stairs. As she reaches the bottom she makes her way into the living room, setting the letters in a pile, before sitting down on the couch.

She sits for a while, taking in the quietness, taking in the peace. This is the way it will be from now on, except she won’t be able to tell, or at least she doesn’t think so.

The peace and quiet, it’s like paradise to her, and that’s exactly what this will be like. It will be a paradise. No pain, no hurt, no feeling. Nothing.  Yet maybe there will be, and she doesn’t know it. Either way, she won’t have to worry about anybody finding out that she’s hurting, and she won’t have to act happy. Either way, she’s ready for this. She’s ready to go.

Looking up upon hearing a sound, the girl’s eyes landing on her sister. Her sister gives her a look and she nods, getting up and walking over to her. She hands her the envelopes before giving the girl a wave, watching as she slips on her shoes, grabs her keys and leaves.

Her sister agreed to go drop the envelopes off at the people’s houses for her, since she was going out anyways. She had told her sister that it was a game that they were all playing. It was the only way to get her to do it.

Looking up at the clock that hangs on the left wall of the entry way, she sees that she has about forty five minutes to do this before her sister gets back.

She quickly turns before walking over to the stairs, jogging up them before making her way into the bathroom. Crouching down she opens a cupboard, reaching back before grabbing the small paper bag and getting up again. She turns, locking the door before setting the bag down on the counter and walking over to the bathtub. She quickly turns some dials, making the water warm before putting the plug in the tub and letting it fill. She then turns, grabbing the bag before setting it on the ground, and crouching in front of the tub. She takes out the bottle of anti-depressants, setting them on the ledge of the tub, along with her phone, some scissors, and a bottle of water. She then crumples the bag before throwing it in the trash.

She begins to undress, until she is left in her bra and underwear before getting in to the tub. She picks up the bottle of anti-depressants, the girl opening the bottle before pouring a handful of them in her hand, before setting the bottle on the floor next to the tub. She sits staring at the pills for a few moments. She didn’t think that she would second guess herself about this, yet here she is, debating whether or not to go through with it.

Taking a deep breath, she closes her eyes, before putting the pills in her mouth, taking the bottle of water, before drinking some of it, painfully swallowing the pills. She then puts the cap on the water bottle before setting it on the floor next to the pills.

She picks up her phone, looking through a few messages before letting it drop into the water, before lying back in the water, her entire body submerged except for her head.

Looking over at the scissors, she lifts her hand out of the water, taking the scissors in it, before using her other hand to open them. She brings the blade up to her milky skin, the ruby red color of her blood now staining the milky skin of her arm. She takes a deep breath, as she slides the blade against her other wrist, letting her blood flow down her arm. She throws the scissors over the ledge of the tub before dropping her arms into the water, and closing her eyes. The pills are kicking in, her world becoming more and more blurry, and her mind fogging up. Her breathing is now shallow, and she smiles a little. Her paradise is just within reach now.

There will be no more pain and suffering for her, and she’s okay with that. The darkness begins to pull at her, and instead of fighting to stay in the light, she accepts it, letting herself fall within it.

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 “The girls with prettiest smiles seem to tell saddest stories” 

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Her eyes flutter open, the world one again coming into view. Her body is fighting it, but her mind is ready. She looks down at the water which is now a dark red color. She’s on the verge of life and death now, and although her body is in pain, she’s numb to it.

Resting her head back, she looks up at the ceiling.

Some say that this isn’t the way to get through everything, but for her it is. What is life to her now? It’s a bunch of dark days, with pain and suffering in them.  Some would say that there is still a light, that there is still a way out, but not for her. Her light faded a while ago, her way out was lost a long time ago. All that she has left is a dark path leading her downward, and this is her attempt at finally finding peace. Her attempt at being happy. This is her paradise. She’s completely broken, and as much as people try to fix her there is no way that she will ever be fixed.

“Keep your chin up.”, “Stay strong sweetheart.”  Phrases that people continuously told her, as if she hasn’t tried to stay positive, as if she hasn’t tried. It’s hard to stay strong when the darkness is pulling at you to just give up. And that’s what she’s done. She’s given up.

What is life, if you all you feel is pain? She has asked herself this question so many times over the past few years, and her answer is it’s nothing. Life is absolutely nothing if all you feel is pain. It’s just darkness, a black whole. It’s pain.

What is happiness, if all you feel is pain? It’s a fantasy. Happiness is fantasy if all you feel is pain, the only thing is, when all you feel is pain you don’t think about happiness, so in a way happiness is a feeling that is so out of reach that there is no point in going after it.

She’s searched for happiness for a while, and although she has found some within the people in her life, it hasn’t taken her pain away. The way she sees it, by dying not only will it take away her pain, but it will free the people she loves from her problems as well, and in a way that makes her happy.

She tries to lift her hand to brush some hair off of her face, but is too weak to lift it. So taking a short shallow breath she once again closes her eyes.

Her breath begins to fade, and she doesn’t struggle to find it. She just lets it go.

“Goodbye.” She breaths as she lets the darkness completely consume her. Letting herself find paradise.

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 “With each stab of pain that we endure, the stronger the urge to give up becomes. Our light fades, and soon enough darkness consumes us. We no longer see the point in trying, and we lose all hope. Our lights eventually flicker out, and darkness becomes our life.”