Paranoia

Depression Paranoia 4

I remember the exact night, I wrote it down,(November, 22 2020) and I was having a fight against my mind and my thoughts.
I was having a hard time with my family not believing in me and me, not believing in myself.
I'm not exactly a goodie two shoes but if I can avoid trouble, that's usually the route I take, especially with having VERY strict parents. I decided to take a walk alone to get out of my head, but don't worry, I took my (specified) Marilyn Monroe pocket knife with me and my phone that had no data but hooked up to random wifis in the neighborhood. I decided to take the road further away from the house because I was serious and I didn't want them to find me, I just needed a few minutes to myself.
I remember, it was a chilly night, it was freezing! And I was wearing white from head to toe, I was an easy target.
I hid in the dark spots of town to avoid being seen by people and especially my family. I ran down the streets, it felt like I was being chased by my own shadow but it was my fear that surrounded me from being alone.
I was super suspicious, sad, nervous, paranoid, I had too many feelings going on at once.
I hid behind a building close to Circle k but infront of a vehicle that was blocking me from the view of the street. I had promised I'd be back in 30 minutes, I just needed my time alone.
I sat down in the alley on my way back towards the house, watching the street as the car left the house in search of me.
Tears ran down my cheeks and I kept murmuring "I just need time" under my breath.
I decided to just go home because they were all looking for me anyway, I came home and immediately felt the urge to throw up..I was standing in the kitchen over the trash dry heaving and that's when they walked in and asked me if I was okay and if I was throwing up. I told them I needed time and she thought I said I wanted to die, she wasn't wrong but I corrected her and gave her a sigh of relief.
I went outside and started contemplating when they all started asking me questions, I was angry, I was screaming and demanding that they let me go sit down somewhere alone (I will admit, I looked like a brat throwing a fit but it was a hard time for me)
They said no but someone offered to take me on a walk and sit somewhere quietly to let me gather my thoughts, I ended up taking her up on that and at the end of that whole night, I just wish she didn't waste her time sitting next to me when I know for a FACT she didn't want to be out. She was barefoot and it was like 30° outside and she was visibly cold but I hate that she came with.
I will attach the lyrics I made from this night..

11-22-20
I got upset the other night,
I was thinking too many thoughts.
And I know it wasn't right
To walk alone at night.
My heart just started racing,
And I couldn't calm down,
I ran like someone was chasing me,
I hid in the dark spots of town.
I sat down with my head in my knees,
I just wanted time alone,
It was so cold with that late night breeze,
And nobody could reach me by my phone.
I was paranoid walking the streets alone,
But anything felt better than being home.
I needed out of my head for a bit,
And I knew I'd be scolded for it.
It's humiliating being so sad while you're around family,
Especially when I get home and they thought I lost my sanity.