二

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by delacrim

by delacrim

二月・十二日・２０２１年

11:33 am

I've been a bit of a mess. Not to do a tmi, but I literally shit out my life earlier at 7 something in the morning. I use baby wipes so the need to take a shower isn't urgernt (trust me I wipe until I only see NOTHING.) Then I tried to go back to sleep but stayed up on TikTok. I went to sleep around 11/12 last night though so it wasn't that bad.

At 8:30 my 1st period starts. I logged in but I completely ignored the whole class. I've been doing terribly in at least 4 of my classes, basic piano (which is my 1st period) has been one of them. I really wish I would have opted out of it before this school year. How can you learn piano effectively online anyways? It's a huge waste of time and has been one of the classes lowkey stressing me out the most.

I was 20 minutes late to my 2nd period but I got there in time to take the test I missed. It was pretty easy tbh. Not too many questions either. If I would have missed that test bro....I would have killed myself ngl LMAOOO.

My boyfriend didn't call me yet. We texted a tiny tiny bit but it wasn't much. He usually calls me around 8/9 but sometimes his brother comes into his room and he doesn't want his family to know about me yet, maybe? My mom knows about him though. I should talk to him about that today. I get it though, I guess?

We've been going to sleep earlier at least. We used to stay up on the phone together until 3/4 am, even on a school night. I don't how we shifted to sleeping at 11/12 now, but I'm not complaining. I started seeing eyebags lol.

That's all for right now though. My digestive system has been lowkey acting up all morning so I'll wait for everything to calm down before I shower. I'm started to think I may be depressed. I don't want to self diagnose but idk.....my motivation for everything seems to be completely gone. My mood swings are so odd. I can get irritable at the tiniest things often. Sometimes I feel like I want to be dead. Relief from the world and it's chaos. Relief from human emotions. Relief from worries. Then sometimes I want to be alive. Listening to my favorite songs. Feeling excited for summertime. The heartbeat in your chest when you get nervous. Hanging out with the people you love. It's all so confusing.

12:28 am

A bit late but I needed to write a bit. So about 2 hours ago I went off on my boyfriend about us sending each other pictures. I always send him so much and spoil him but when it comes down to me he's so iffy about it. It doesn't bother me that much, but it gives me a reason to fuss at him. I don't mean to sound weird but most of the time stuff doesn't affect me, but I make it seem like it does so I can have some entertainment. I just want him to share more pictures and videos and stuff like that with me, that's all. I might mention it again tonight but other than that I don't know. I really did speak some truths though.

It's Friday and I really don't have anything to do, so ima just chill and relax. I took a shower after I was done chewing him out so now I feel refreshed and clean. I'm gonna try to stay up earlier than I usually do since I don't have to wake up to a damn zoom call in the morning lmao. fuck doing school on zoom, seriously.

- day, 6/10.