Love you forever with Bucky Barnes

secrets

*TRIGGER WARNING*

THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SELFHARM AND ABUSE IN THIS CHAPTER IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE IN ANYWAY PLEASE DO NOT READ IT 

You woke up the next morning still snuggled up in Bucky's warm, strong arms. You looks up to his face with a smile on yours to see if he's awake and you notice he has a worried look on his face and for the first time in a long time his eyes weren't looking into yours so you follow the direction on his eyes and see that they landed on your arm. 

You never been out of your room without a jumper or a cardigan on the whole time you had been here but while you were home alone yesterday you just wore a short sleeve t-shirt. You knew Bucky was going to find out one way or another but you wanted to be the one to tell him, when you were ready, when you were comfortable so you just looked into his eyes, giving him a look that says 'I'm sorry', pulled one of the blankets around you to cover your arms and ran away to your room leaving Bucky sat alone, worried on the sofa. 

A lot of things had happened before your father had brought you back to America, things you weren't really ready to talk about yet, things you had never told a soul before but now Bucky knows about the cutting so you debated telling him everything it would be good to get it off your chest finally. You sat deep in thought like this for what only felt like a few moments but was apparently 2 hours before you heard a knock at your door "Can I come in?" the voice said from outside the door. You could tell it was Bucky but he sounded worried and even a little bit hurt. You quietly replied back "Please" and with that he slowly opened the door and made his way over to you on your bed. He sat down beside you not saying a word. He wiped the tears you didn't even know you had away from your eyes and pulled you tight into a hug. 

Your not sure how long had passed before you sat up out of Bucky's arms and faced him, you wanted to tell him everything, it was going to take you a bit of time but you wanted him to know. "I need to t-talk to you" you said almost breaking down again at the thought of telling him the stories, "but you can't tell anyone, not Steve, not my dad, no one". He nodded and you started to tell him about how things were back in England. "I travelled to school on the bus. One day I was getting on and mine is the last stop so there was only a few seats left and I ended up sitting next to this boy I had never met before." you pause trying to stop yourself from crying again so Bucky reaches out and strokes your cheek. You continue "turns out he was a new kid that was going to be in my call so we had a basic conversation and I took him to meet everyone else once we got off the bus. We started talking a lot and we sat next to each other on the bus everyday. He was one of my best friends and a few months later we stared dating." you pause again and now Bucky can tell that things are going to start to get bad soon. "everything was great for about 6 months before he started telling me what to do, telling me that I should dye my hair blonde or that I needed to be skinnier." you pause again. A much longer pause this time. "so I did. I got skinnier but then I was too skinny so I stopped eating again and that's when this started" you hold out your arms for him so see and his face dropped so suddenly. It pained him so know that you were doing this to yourself. Then you tell him the last part of your story 

"We dated for almost 3 years. I-I let him to this to me for t-th-three years Bucky. That's why I haven't told anyone because I'm ashamed of myself for letting him do this to me." and it was at that moment when he pulled you so close to him it felt like he could have broken every bone in a good way. "I'm so sorry Bucky" Those words hurt him the most I think. They hurt him because after everything that you had gone through and everything the boy had done to you, you were the one apologising. He cupped your faced and made sure you looked him right in the eye "NEVER apologise for this. EVER. You are the strongest person I know and my best friend is Captain America" you let out a small laugh at that "just know that if I ever see that man I will personally slaughter him. 

After your little talk with Bucky, you felt like a massive weight had been lifted off your chest. You had finally told someone one of your darkest secrets and you had told someone that you trusted. You just laid in his arms for the rest of the afternoon and you felt safe and loved like nothing in the world could ever hurt you. 

________________________________________________________________________________

This chapter was really hard for me to write personally but I wanted to write a little note and just say that if you are feeling anything like this that I just wanted you to know that you are deeply loved by so many people even if they don't always show it and to always try and talk to someone you trust even though it can be one of the hardest things to do