In too deep

#6 A new...

Azaila*

" Okay now before you all start talking over me i just wanted to sa-"
" you have so much explaining to do."

I don't know what to say to them when I thought I would never find a loving family or even get to experience what 'normal' families do. Now i've been put in a situation where I know that I have people that care, because if they didn't they would be asking what had happened to me.

I thought growing up that it would feel better but now I seem to have this crushing over whelming pain in my chest. I don't know if I should tell them my story or not, I don't want them to think less of me because if you think about it this makes me a stronger person than before. would I say I liked what had happened to me? no I wouldn't, but without it I wouldn't be who I was today.

" growing up with mum wasn't always... let's say, easy. I was never allowed to really do anything for myself. I was always watched or being 'used' mum always had men over ranging from a boyfriend to a hook up or even there for me. mum thought that if I got a good  fuck then I wouldn't be such a pain in her ass. I was 9 when the first one came to our house. it progressed from there. though the sexual abuse started later it wasn't the first time she abused me. it became a regular thing after around my 5th birthday. she wasn't always the best mum but she was always there for me, but I guess after a couple of years she couldn't take it anymore. so that's when the hitting started, i'm not gonna give you all the details because they don't really matter but it wasn't easy especially for a 5 year old...'

"you don't have to tell us anything more Azaila"

Alex was trying to help, I know this but he doesn't get that if I don't say this now it's going to eat me alive. Angle always told me to never let someone silence what you have to say, and I need that now. I need to tell them everything but I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know how they will react or even if I am mentally prepared for it to be out there. I may come off as this carefree person that doesn't give any fucks about anyone or anything, but the truth is that I am terrified of peoples opinions. 'you will never amount to anything you will always be a worthless warm body for me, i've never cared you I am only here because your mum asked me to keep you to shut the fuck up, she never said how though. get back on your fucking knees you whore.' my mums friends were not the nicest. I say this a lot, but I never tell anyone that sometimes its my own fault. Michael was his name. He isn't breathing anymore is a way to put it. He was the worst of them all mainly because I liked him. he would alwayss tell me that he had to fuck me and use me for my mum so she wouldn't get mad at the fact someone cared. But it turned out he was like all the rest, he only used me like all the ones before him.

" yes, I do. you all need to know now that im not some weak little girl that doesn't know how to keep myself up or that I need someone to make me happy. which isn't true I don't need anybody I just someone there for me to make sure that I don't go back down the rabbit hole. im not broken not even close, but I am also not saying that im not hurt. we all have our things that makes us who we are. and these are mine."

" my life was filled with tragedy. from a young age i never really understood what 'love' was..."

i look around the room to make sure that i have their attention, everyone is paying close attention to what i'm about to say. and i don't know how they are going to take it. quite frankly i don't know how i'm going to take saying it.

"...i never thought i would make it this far. my life was always something you would read in a book or see on the news. no one knew that it would be me the loud and happy kid in the back of the room. but what no one seemed to realize is that when i was in the back of the classroom, and no one was looking i would cry. because it was the only time i could. if my mum saw me crying at home she would just say that i was overreacting and that she would give me a reason to cry. and she always kept that promise. i loved my mum that's way i never stood up for my self. she was my mother, you know? i cared for her. yes, she was the biggest bitch anyone could ever meet. but at the same time she would always clean me up after. she made sure i wasn't bleeding. but then again it probably was so when the next time came around there wouldn't be such a mess. eventually she stopped caring, and when she did i did as well. that bitch is rotting in hell and i couldn't be happier. all this time i've been hiding my pain and my struggles, but to hell with that shit. i'm in pain all the fucking time. i've wanted to kill my self since i was 8 years old. but guess what i didn't fucking do it, because i knew one day i would be here. happy and with my family. i have only known you all for a short while and now i know what love is supposed to feel like. so even through we don't know each-other. thank you for taking me in. and thank you dad, for looking after them.
so i guess this is where my new life starts, with no lies and no regrets..."

as i look around the family room i can tell my words had an effect on them all. every body here is either crying or struggling to keep the tears in. never did i imagine that this is where i would end up. I've never been this happy to be home.

i know it wasn't the smartest move to tell them all about the abuse. but who the actual fuck cares. i'm happy now so to hell with everyone who is going to hold me back. i am a mother fucking De'Luca now so fuck everyone else.

This is the beginning of a new. May new people come and go. Azaila is just now becoming who she's said she's been for years.