Post Azkaban Wolfstar

Part II

Cw: Mention of depression and self harm

Remus decided that being in a relationship with Sirius wasn't the most convenient thing. They had to fight again. They might die. And Remus didn't want to care for someone like that. Not like before. So he told Sirius that they should be friends. Just friends. Sirius wasn't happy. 

"Sirius" he said shaking his head "I can't..." he sighed "I can't be in a relationship with you right now" "We have to focus on Harry. Keep him safe" 

Sirius didn't answer

"And finding Peter to proof your innocence"

"That fucking rat" Sirius looked to the other side trying to hide how much his words hurt him.

"I thin.." his voice was breaking now "I think my worst fear is coming true" 

"What?." 

"You stopped loving me" Sirius had tears on his eyes

"Sirius" Remus touched his shoulder and he closed

his eyes "I would never stop loving you. Never"

Sirius looked at him. Remus seemed pretty overwhelmed as well.

"It was my fault that they died" Sirius started crying "I killed them Remus. I fucked up everything"

Sirius sobbed. And Remus hugged him. "Hey, shsh" he said "It's okay, Sirius. Is not your fault" 

"M' sorry" Sirius sobbed onto Remus chest 

"It's not your fault"

After a while, Sirius stopped crying. He felt so much better on Remus arms. He had missed him so badly He had no idea how much he craved Remus' affection at Azkaban. Anyone's affection. Sirius thought he was just lucky to have him back. He didn't deserve this. But he was gonna clinge to this. He wasn't going to fuck up this time.

"You're right' he said still on Remus chest "We have to focus on Harry right now"

"We can be friends. Like before" Remus answered "At least for now, okay?"

"Can we be friends who ocaccionally shag, perhaps?" Remus laughed. Sirius could feel his warm breath on his head. Sirius smiled. "I'm glad to have you back Padfoot" Remus hugged him tighter.

The Order needed a place as Quarters. Sirius and Remus suggested the Potter's beach house. Dumbledore said it was too dangerous. It didn't have enough protection. Sirius remembered that his father used to use powerful spells against muggles and unpleasant visitors at his house. 

"Grimmaund Place" he suggested. "The place must be abandoned, since my family is all death"

Sirius was so frustrated. He felt so useless being locked up all the time. Everyone at the Order treated him like a child. Like he was going to do something stupid all the time. Sirius drank a lot. Just to fill the void. That place brought memories. Bad memories of his father, mother and sad ones of Reggie. He cried mostly every night going through some of Reggie's stuff. He missed his brother.

Sirius also became insecure. Remus was too friendly with Tonks. Sirius called her the pink one. Remus and her laughed about the most silly stuff. They whispered things to each other in meetings. And Sirius knew Remus and Tonks had some missions together. Meanwhile Sirius was stuck inside, loosing Remus. He was loosing his Moony forever. Remus assured him, Tonks was just a friend. But Sirius knew him too well. He had feelings for her, of some kind. She was younger, prettier and full of life. Everything Sirius was on the past. Not anymore. 

Remus had been really close to a particular pinky one. She was amazing. Tonks made Remus feel young again. Remus would always laugh with her. But it wasn't like everyone thought, Tonks was just a friend. And he couldn't be with someone else. At least until he figured out what was going on with Sirius. 

Remus was worried. He knew Sirius was not okay. He had been suffering. Sirius had gone through so much. He was in Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit. And now he had to spend his time in the house he grew up. Remus knew how much he hated his parents and the hell he went through while he lived there. Now he had to go back and not just live there. But spend there all the time, since Sirius was an Azkaban convict and he will surely receive the dementors' kiss if he got caught. 

But Sirius was not okay. One day Remus came to Grimmaund Place to find Sirius naked (only with a towel) sitting on the floor and shivering. It seemed like he had a shower hours ago, but didn't get dressed. He also had a drink in hand. 

"Sirius? What are you doing?" Remus covered him with a blanket.

Sirius woke up from his trance. He smiled.

"Moony!" he sounded drunk. 

"Sirius how long have you been like this? You're freezing" 

"At least you are with me" Sirius said "A' leas' you're worried about me now..."

"Don't say stupid things" Remus answered furious. 

"M'sorry" Sirius said hiding onto Remus' shoulder. "You'don lov me anymor' "

Remus didn't know what to say. He couldn't love someone who treated himself so poorly.

"Sh..sh... Just go to sleep" he said holding Sirius on his arms "I'm here. Go to sleep" 

Remus was so worried after that. He cornered Dumbledore at the end of one Order Meetings. 

"I'm worried about him" Remus told Dumbledore "He drinks alcohol daily and he seems very sad..." 

"I understand..." Dumbledore began. "But this is the only place aurors won't look. And even if they do it is very well protected"

But Remus was so stressed "NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" he yelled "You don't know shit! He lived a living hell here. And now he has to be here everyday... We are just your peons but you don't give a damn about us" 

Remus cried. He was freaking tired of doing what was correct. Was it really the correct thing to do if he and his loved ones suffered?

Dumbledore sighed "Remus. You're right. I feel so bad for Sirius. And believe me I'm trying my best to find Mr. Pettigrew" 

Dumbledore paused for a bit, looking to the floor.

"He is with him, you know? We have to defeat Voldemort, if we do, we catch Pettigrew" 

"Yes but..." 

"I think that having Sirius here is better than him being in a cell in Azkaban or worse having his soul dragged out by a dementor, don't you agree?" he smiled comfortly.

Remus nodded. He was right. At least Sirius was with him. Dumbledore patted his back.

"You can be there for him, Remus. Give him some company. I'm sure he would appreciate it"