Loving Kinnick

That Is What I Get For Loving Kinnick

She knew. She knew. She fucking knew.

Her hands shoved me to the side, and the pain in my ribs would have hurt, but the unreadable expression in her eyes was worst. I looked at her face, wondering what would have happened if I brought her back home last night and held her hostage in my sheets. How much longer could I have kept her from the truth?

I thought that maybe she wouldn't talk to her dad as much when she moved. I hoped that he would never tell her. I underestimated his hatred for me. It didn't matter if I didn't mean to kill her mom, I got behind the wheel drunk.

"Kinnick, please tell me he is lying."

I couldn't, and she knew that because I couldn't lie to her. Her shaky hands were trembling so badly I wanted to reach out and grab them. Seth didn't matter. Ashley standing with the gun in her hand didn't matter. What mattered is Bo, and that she knew.

Then he started laughing. "You didn't know, did you? You couldn't even put the pieces together!"

"You piece of shit!" I launched for him, slamming him into the wall, watching as his body went through the drywall. "You weren't innocent!"

"What are you talking about?" Bo's already broken voice broke more.

The fear flashed in his eyes. "Your dad was sleeping with my mom! I walked inside to find them in the kitchen -"

"Don't say it," he tried fighting off my grip.

"I left the house, drunk and pissed off," I dropped him, turning to Bo. "I ran that stop sign, and I hit your mom. That is the night I got my scar."

"You told me you were on a call!" Bo shoved him backward. "You were cheating on mom when she was dying. I needed you!"

"Instead of arresting me for hitting your mom because he couldn't prove it, he arrested me on abuse charges. He claimed I was the one who beat up my mom. It wasn't me. It was her druggie boyfriend who walked in and found them together. Your dad ran. He didn't stay to protect her, but that didn't stop my mom from testifying against me in court and kicking me out."

I saw her at the party that night, but I didn't approach her - not because I didn't want to because I definitely did - but I wasn't good enough for someone like Boston Bennett. I left with the idea of her laughing in my head.

Not even fifteen minutes later, I walked through my front door to find my mom pinned against the wall as Seth buried himself inside of her. They saw me, and she tried getting me to come back, but I snatched a bottle of whiskey off of the counter and left.

Alcohol and anger had their hands on the wheel. I didn't have control. Music was blasting through my car, and the wind was pounding so harshly against my face, I could barely see. I hadn't realized I ran a stop sign until my car collided with Elizabeth's.

I tried pulling her out, but I couldn't get the door open. She wasn't conscious and I knew she needed professional help. At nineteen, I wish I would have made better decisions. I didn't. So, I called 911 and told them I was a witness to a car crash. And I left because I could hear the sirens in the distance.

I wish something different could have happened that night.

I could explain myself all I wanted. I could have told her the thoughts in my mind and what happened. It wouldn't matter. Nothing was worst than knowing I killed her mom. She looked at me without expression. It tore me apart to see Bo without a reaction. To see her calm unsettled me. She always let me know what was going on inside of her head, but she shut the door.

"How long were you going to keep it from me?"

"I am not going to lie to you because I never have," tears fell down my face. "I wasn't going to tell you. I knew you would hate me for it."