Vice

Nineteen

It is said that there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial is the hardest, cutting through you like a double edged blade, but it is quick.

Anger is the most destructive, you lose relationships and cast blame, but that can be repaired.

Bargaining is hopeless, nothing will ever bring your loved one back.

Depression. Depression is the icy hand wrapped around your heart, freezing you from the inside out, squeezing the life out of you. Some never thaw from the experience, they turn into walking icicles, cold and empty. Depression is the darkness that comes even when the cold has left. It takes the place of the light in your soul, casting a shadow on your thoughts. Depression makes you feel as if you were the one buried six feet under- suffocating.

Trevor had skipped right over the first three.

He spent his days isolated in his room, and a dreary silence settled over the house. Thea could hear him moving around occasionally, but he never came out. At first, Lottie had tried to get him out of his room, or at least let her in. But he was adamant on being alone. Thea never imagined she'd actually miss his annoying comments. They had all barely spoke since the incident, no one having it in them to make plans for another camp. James still spent most of the day in his office, working, but he didn't suggest going out on anymore jobs.

Trevor's absence affected Lottie the most. Her usual confidence was buried beneath a sea of uncertainty. All of her attempts at comforting him had failed, and the light was dimming in her eyes too. Thea could see it slowly killing Lottie; she may not have been there long but she could tell that Lottie cared for the boy more than she let on.

"I just don't get it. Everything was fine. We had taken down the camp." Lottie placed her head in her hands and Thea watched her carefully, "It's all just so sudden."

Thea sat in the space next to Lottie on her bed.

"I've tried everything. He just doesn't want to see me." Tears formed in her bloodshot eyes. Her eyes were red and swollen, a look Thea had gotten used to seeing on the girl.

Thea was quiet.

"I don't know what else to do Thea." Lottie lifted her head, "Could you try talking to him?"

Her eyes widened, "Me?"

"Yeah, you can comfort him, like when he asked you to at the funeral."

Her eyebrows knitted together, "Why did he choose me?" Thea didn't exactly give off the comforting vibe.

"You're strong, protective. You saved him the first time you met him, even though he was an arrogant fool." Lottie smiled weakly, "He trusts you."

"He trusts you too, Lottie."

Lottie shifted and looked away, "Then why doesn't he want to see me."

"He doesn't want you to see him."

Lottie stared sightlessly at her hands, frowning.

Thea sat with her for a few more minutes before standing, "There is no place for weakness in our world. Trevor understands that, that's why he's keeping himself from us. He doesn't want us to see him in this state."

Her mind trailed back to James' lecture, the one before she had even known of Miles. James had been right, there wasn't room for weakness. But, being strong didn't mean you never felt pain, it meant you had to be tough enough to face it head on, and overcome it.

She raised her fist and rapped her knuckles on the door.

"Go away Lottie," Trevor's gruff voice came from the other side of the door.

"It's Thea."

She heard shuffling around inside, then the closet being opened and shut. A few seconds later, the door cracked open.

Thea pushed the door open and closed it behind her. The room was dark and messy. Clothes were strewn across the floor, the bed was unkempt, and it smelled like a weeks worth of skipped showers. The only form of light came from a small desk lamp.

"Why are you here?" she turned towards the croaking sound. Trevor stood in the door way to his bathroom. Thea sighed openly at the sight of him. His hair was greasy, his clothes were filthy, and the smell that wafted over to her made her eyes water.

"Why are you?"

He arched an eyebrow, "This is my room."

"Yes. But why are you holing yourself up in here? What is that going to do?" she turned away from him and wandered around his room. "Your brother wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life isolating yourself."

"Don't you get it?" His eyes were dull and his voice full of pain, "I'm the reason Miles is dead. I killed him."

Thea faced him from across the room, "You don't believe that."

"Wha-"

"You're letting your parents get into your head. No one is forced into a gang, we chose our life. We chose whether we stay and die in the gang, or leave it. Miles made his decision." He met her eyes and some of the light came back into them, only a sliver, but it was there.

As quick as it had came, the light extinguished itself, "But my parents, they'll never forgive me. They haven't spoken to me since I joined Vice. Miles was the only family I had."

"So talk to them."

He shook his head vigorously, "No. No they wouldn't let me even if I tried."

"Yes they will." She spoke with such certainty that Trevor looked up at her.

They stood in silence as he searched her face, grasping at the confidence she held and trying to instill it into his own mind.

"Okay, I'll try."

Thea gave him a smile, and he returned it.

"Now come eat with us, Lottie made lunch."

Trevor gave her a look of repulsion but followed her out the door, "Next time you want to get someone to eat, don't tell them Lottie was the one who cooked."

Lottie launched herself at Trevor as soon as they entered the kitchen, he returned the embrace with a weak smile. The two began to converse quietly while Thea joined James and Ryder at the table.

"There's something we want to talk to you about." Ryder said as she sat down.

Thea looked between the two. They had both been stuck in the anger stage, the most destructive stage, "You want to take out the people who shot Miles."

They both gaped at her, "How did you-"

"Revenge wont solve anything." Thea looked at James pointedly, "You know that."

"They need to be taken out either way, that's why Miles' team was there in the first place. If we don't do it then I'll have to assign it to someone else. I don't want anyone else getting taken out by them." James interjected.

She leaned back thinking it over. Lottie and Trevor joined them before she had a chance to reply, both men gave her a look to keep it between them.

She didn't mind the idea of taking out the people who had made Trevor so miserable. But this was a rocky path, if Trevor caught wind of it he could go ballistic. Revenge had a way of getting to people and messing with their heads, forcing them into dangerous situations.

Not to mention it was another job to sidetrack them from taking out the Black Knights.

She exhaled deeply, but it was Trevor. Trevor who had spent the last week hauled up in his room, whose parents had lost a son and could lose their other.

James looked at her from across the table, she met his gaze. His eyes caught her by surprise, they always did when she looked at them, his eyes were different than other gang leaders. They were alive. James cared for the people in his gang, Trevor wasn't just someone filling a replaceable position; he was a friend.

She nodded at him and he returned it with a complacent smile.