My Chibi BangTan Book 2 ✔

Drowning

 My chest tightened, my lungs squeezed inside of me. Oxygen... no Oxygen. H2O, cold, wet water. The smell of salt, sea salt. My nose stung like hell as I breathed out- tried to breathe out.

No....

I couldn't move, I was pinned down this time. Struggling against my seat belt that was fastened tightly over me. I tried to pull, little bubbles escaping my nose. I had to hold it in, hold my breath, like a good girl. My brother beside me in the drivers seat. We were on our way to see Grandma at her nursing home. Mom had died, two years before so he and I only had each other and our estranged father who we never knew much about. My brother Jason was older, so of course he took responsibility- like tonight.

He struggled, unbuckling me first. He pointed to his open window, mine was rolled up because I'd been rather cold as we were driving. My chest... I needed to breathe in, but he's screaming at me- Don't Ella, don't breathe in... don't-

No...

I pushed, I did. I pushed myself up and he pushed me out his window. I turned back, pulling at him but he was yelling, pointing harshly up, up and out. Out of here.. Get out Ella! GO!

"NO!" I screamed as I jolted up in my bed... my bed.. meh, not really mine. I was drenched in a cold sweat, I hated the nightmares. These... nightmares were the bane of my existence. I'd been seeing a therapist for a year now. After the accident two years ago I had no one. No one till my biological father showed up at Jason's funeral. I'd already lost mom.... We lost mom... but this asshole didn't show up for her funeral. However he did show up for Jason's, I didn't understand- still don't.

He apologized, I guess that says something. He explained that he fucked up, he was young and immature. But he wasn't a bad guy, he had just been young and dumb and thought he was in love. He's remarried, with new children- Younger than me by a lot. I'll never meet them though, he said he wanted to keep his family as happy as they were. But.. he offered me this apartment and to pay for college. So, there's that. Who knew the scumbag was rich? I sure as hell didn't.

It took some time for me to get use to this place, this apartment. It wasn't too far from campus and it was close to the restaurant I work at. So that was a huge plus. It was a bit fancy and big though, everything was stainless steel and everything else was black, white, and gray/steel gray.

Not a lot of color, which I was okay with. I didn't feel like waking up to bright yellow daisies or something. My outlook on life hasn't been the peachiest of colors.

The shower was hot but I still felt cold... morbidly cold. Was Jason a spirit? Was he hugging me and telling me it was okay and he was finally happy now? No... first off, that would be weird as shit and second- I didn't believe in ghosts.

It was earlier than I thought, 5am to be exact. No point in getting dressed right now so my robe was my comfort wear for the time being. I sat on the sofa and turned on the TV that hung on the wall. It was large... maybe too large, but I could see the appeal if someone actually wanted to watch TV, or play video games. I decided to read for a while, picking up one of my brothers old books. I had all his stuff with me in one of the two spare bedrooms in this place. My father recommended turning one into a workout room something, and the other into a room for my paintings. I liked painting, I wasn't sure if I was good at it, but I liked it. It was fun and made me feel some actual inner peace.

Two years. It seems like less, it seems like we haven't been apart for that long. It seems like we couldn't possibly have been apart more than a few months. The reality was different though, the reality was simple and rough. Normally, I'd wake up and if he wasn't already up and making us breakfast I'd run into his room and pounce on him. I'd make sure he was up and getting ready. When he'd come home, we'd just... hang out. He'd tell me about his day, I'd tell him about mine. We'd watch some crappy B film and make fun of it together. He'd go to one of his friends houses on the weekends sometimes, most times he'd take me to like the zoo or we'd go to six flags and ride everything till we got sick.

I knew one day things would be different. One day he'd get married and he'd be with his family, I knew I'd have to live alone at some point.... But I didn't want to. In truth... I wasn't even sure if I wanted to live.

Could I even call what I was doing now, living? I went to classes, work, home... that was my routine. Day in and Day out it was the same thing. I was struggling, but I still held a smile when I needed. I looked okay, I talked okay- Maybe I was a little quieter these days. But this has been it for me since he left me... I know it wasn't by choice. He wouldn't do that. He did nothing wrong but.. but they said it.

"I'm sorry Miss. Your brother was heavily intoxicated. He lost control because of it. I'm so sorry for your loss."

That's what they said, that's what they all said.

But that.... That was a motherfucking lie.

Yet all I could do right now, all I could feel... was the water filling my lungs.

I should have drowned with him.