Start Of Time

chapter 4

January 22nd. Two days until Dean’s 42nd birthday and if he could turn back time, slow it down or stop it all together, he would. He never thought he’d fear getting old but then again, he never thought he’d have the privilege to. He could hardly sleep for the past few days, something other than his frequent night terrors keeping him at the edge of his seat. The thought of time catching up to him scares him and he suspects that if he were truly happy, he’d feel different about this whole situation. He thought that defeating Chuck and his hold on their lives was enough to make him happy but turns out it’s not, it turns out that Dean Winchester wants something more, something he can’t even begin to express the meaning of. He feels like a kid, thrown into the world without any guidance or shelter— he feels completely lost and alone and it’s slowly eating away at him.

He’s going to die alone but worst of all, he’s going to grow old alone. Sure, he’s got Anna right now but he doubts that their relationship will last, let alone turn into something deeper— not that he want’s that to happen, but even if he did, there’s no way he’d let it happen. There’s a big part of himself that wouldn’t allow it, the part that fears that if he lets people in, and I mean truly let them in, they would run for the hills and inevitably leave him like everyone else he’s ever grown to know. The thought of that scares him so he’d rather be alone and unhappy than take that dive and crack his skull open or hopefully find everything that he’s been looking for.


The early sunlight peaks through the windows of Dean’s bedroom, the light luminous and warm, highlighting every curve of his face and every tan freckle scattered across it. He looks beautiful and peaceful, his dark eyelashes fluttering against his cheek as the soft vibrations of his snores escapes through his mouth.

Anna watches him in silence and admiration. Her right arm is wrapped around his waist, her tiny body pressed against the side of his bare chest. She lifts and falls as he breathes from under her, his breathing constant.

She traces her fingers over his chest, feeling his muscles flex from under her touch. Her lips pull into a small smile as she continues, she trails her long fingers around the devil’s trap tattoo on his right breast, around his taut nipple and all the way down to the waistband of his boxers. She stops and looks up at him. His eyes flutters rapidly before opening, they’re red and tired, but they still look beautiful.

“good morning.” Anna whispers, her cheeks tinted with a blush of pink, and her fingers trailing back up and down the older man’s chest. She just can’t get enough of Dean, he’s like a drug to her, but better.

“Hey.” He growls from under her, his eyes meeting hers only for a brief moment before they find something else to look at.

There’s a brief silence and for a moment Anna thinks that Dean had fallen back to sleep. He hasn’t, he’s just laying there with his eyes closed, unsure of what to do. She’s never slept over before and he sure as hell didn’t expect her to so now he doesn’t know if she’s expecting something more from him, something he clearly cannot give to her. The thought scares him and if he could stop himself from thinking about it, he would.

He desperately needs this to stay simple, he needs their relationship to remain the same.

“You know—” Anna breaks the silence, sensing that the man’s not asleep. She presses her palm against his chest, the scars across it feeling like a work of art. She traces her fingers over them, gently and slowly as she meets his eyes.

“—I was thinking that we should go somewhere this weekend, it’ll be fun. I mean, Steven's creek can get quite boring after a while.” She adds and Dean feels like crawling under a rock.

“Anna—” his face contorts and it almost looks like he’s in pain. He doesn’t look at her, rejecting her already sucks, he doesn’t need to see her reaction.

“—look, I just. I don’t wanna complicate what we’ve got going on. I like it this way.” He says honestly, he knows he sounds like a dick right now but there’s not much he can do to change that, the words are already out there.

“You’re great and all but—”

Anna's body stiffens and all she wants to do is disappear, the humiliation is killing her but part of her believes that she deserves it for being such an idiot. I mean, did she really expect a damn man to want her for anything beyond her body? Yeah, and that’s the problem. She let her guard down, she was stupid and now she got burnt.

“—you just want me for sex. Noted.” She pulls the soft sheets off her, exposing her half naked body. She sits on the edge of the bed for a while, trying to muster up the courage to stand up.

“it’s not that—” yes it is. He can’t even come up with an excuse as he sits up, watching her stand to her feet and pick up her clothes from off the floor.

“you know, I wouldn’t have made a complete fool of myself if you'd have been honest from the start you fucking asshole.” She interjects and walks out of his room with her clothes in her hands.

Dean listens to her footsteps thud in the hall, the sound disappearing as time ticks. He wants to go after her, but there’s nothing for him there, nothing he really wants. He lets her go and soon hears the roar of her cars engine in his driveway as he sinks his back into the comfort of his bed, his eyes on the white ceiling above him.

“Fuck.”


♧♧♧


The day has been long and cold and even though he had Benny to keep him company, Dean still couldn’t stop thinking about hurting Anna. She was right, if he was honest from the start, there would never have been any complications. He could’ve told the truth but pretending that his relationship with Anna was more than what it meant to him was just easier. He loved the attention, the feelings and the promise of hope it gave him, but he feared the reality of himself having to give back and let down that steel wall he keeps around his heart.


It’s six-fifteen and he just clocked off work, his body tired and sweaty as he slouches over to his car. There’s a cool breeze outside and it engulfs his entire body, the air fresh and rejuvenating. He takes it in, closes his eyes and drops his head back and feels as the wind crashes against his face.

“Dean.” The voice coming from behind him breaks his train of thought and he looks to his right shoulder, noticing a large hand latched onto it.

He spins around and meets Benny's crystal blue eyes, they’re big and round and they seem to sparkle under the diming light.

“You forgot your phone, mate.” He pushes the device in Dean’s direction. Dean takes it and shoves it in his pocket, he gives him a tight lipped smile and contemplates whether or not to just walk away, not in the mood to talk.

“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been off the whole day.” Benny questions and looks into his eyes, trying his best to get some sort of answers out of them— there’s non.

“Just stressed.” He admits briefly. It’s enough to let Benny know that, yeah, he’s not doing great, but also not nearly enough to answer the plethora of questions Benny has stuffed up at the roof of his mouth.

“Yeah, I kinda figured. You gonna tell me why?” he presses, closing the large gap between them. He puts his hands on his hips and waits for Dean to speak.

“No. I don’t wanna talk about it.” He shrugs his shoulders, his fingers fiddling with keys in his hands. He wants to talk about it but he wants to be pushed— shoved over the damn edge, actually.

Benny doesn’t do it though, he couldn’t possibly know it’s what Dean wants when he’s the personification of a damn quantum physics equation. Benny can’t seem to understand him and the more he struggles, the harder he wants to fight, but he never does.

“Look, it’s just… I ain’t really a chic flick type of guy, but give me a few beers and maybe I’ll sing like a canary.” He adds and there’s a tiny trace of humour in his tone which he loses just as fast as it came.

Benny stays silent, not really knowing what to say to Dean that won’t make him want to run back into his bubble again.

“man, I appreciate your concern but I don’t wanna talk, not right now anyways.” He opens his car door, the hinges creaking and squeaking as he does so.

“I’m not trying to force you to open up, buddy. I’m just trying to be here for you. Y'know, it’s what friends do.” Benny shakes his head, a ghost of a smile drawn across his face.

Dean smiles at his words and he wishes he wasn’t such a dick because Benny’s a great guy, his kindness and burning need to help people reminds him so much of Sammy. He deserves nothing but the same kindness in return, but Dean’s not sure how to give it to him, or if he could.

He reaches an open palmed hand out for Benny to take, and when he does, Dean pulls him close, wrapping his free arm around the man. He pulls back a few seconds later— three, to be exact, and his heart races as he feels the wall around his heart slowly starting to unravel.



♧♧♧


Dean ends up at home an hour later. He picks up miracle at the Forrester’s and walks her home. There’s a car parked outside Castiel’s yard, the boot is open and there’s two boxes stacked up in there with a few items he can’t make out. He frowns and wonders if he’s moving out for a while or if someone’s moving in. He squints and notices Jack’s name etched on the boxes and when he looks closely he sees the bear Jack had given him amongst other stuffed animals crammed in the boot as well.

He suspects that it’s Kelly’s car and that she won the fight. His heart aches for Castiel, imagining that losing a child must hurt like a bitch.

He doesn’t lose his frown when his attention diverts to the white painted house. The door is open and Castiel walks out with another box. He spots Dean before he could run and pretend like he didn’t see anything. He doesn’t say as much as a hello to the man as he keeps his eyes glued on him, partially glad to see his face after a long while.

“She’s taking him?” Dean's words come out soft, his tone laced in concern as the other man nears him with a box of toys in his hands.

“Cas, I’m so sorry.” He adds and Castiel responds with a sad smile.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s only for a few weeks— three at best.” He assures him but there’s hurt laced all over his words and no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that ‘it’s fine'  and ‘it’s only a few weeks.'  He can’t help but want to fall apart. He’s never been away from Jack for so long, he’s not sure how he’ll make it two days into this dumbass agreement.

“but that doesn’t mean that you’re fine. It still hurts.” He suspects and Cas nods, lightly before looking back at his house where Kelly is helping Jack get ready.

“—but like you said, it’s just three weeks so you’ll be fine.” He interjections so fast almost as if he desperately wants him to forget about the sad parts.

“Three weeks away from my son. He’s never been away for that long and I’m not sure if I can handle it. I don’t think he can handle it either.” He places the box down beside him and leans back against the car, the ice cold structure stinging through the layers of his clothes, he ignores the pain though as he carries on wrecking his brain about all of this.

Dean follows suit, figuring that Cas really needs someone to talk to. He lets miracle off her leash and stands a few inches away from Cas, feeling the heat radiate off of him.

“I don’t want him to go, but Kelly really needs this.” He carries on speaking as they both find themselves starring up at the blackened sky above them. Dean stays silent, giving room for Castiel to say as much as he’d like.

“and I guess that it’s better than having him move permanently, but then again, what if she decides to fucking keep him there?” He's grown frustrated thinking about all of this for so long. He runs a hand down his face and Dean watches, he notices how tired and stressed he looks; dark circles around his eyes and his skin looking paler than ever. Dean has never seen him look this messed up and even though he claims not to be, he’s worried about the guy. He might be a prick but he doesn’t deserve to go through this crap.

“You gotta stop stressing so much about it, it’s not gonna do you any good. I get that it’s hard not to, and that it feels like you’re losing this battle but you’re not and you gotta stop convincing yourself that you are.” He says, his gaze on Castiel who’s looking down at his feet, watching the tips wave from left to right.

“Dean, I don’t know what to do.” Cas isn’t sure where he found the strength and courage to open up to Dean in the first place, it’s quite unsettling but he doesn’t stop, god knows that he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. The man has been helpful in the past and he proves to be doing the same right now. It makes speaking to him for the first time in days feel like a breath or fresh air.

“Hey—” he moves closer and playfully shoves Cas with his arm. “—quit pouting. You’ll figure this out, and if you can’t do it alone, I’m… y'know.” He doesn’t really say it but Cas understands what he meant. His pale cheeks are tinted with red and he looks down to hide it from Dean.

“It’s crazy how much you’ve helped me. What are you? An angel?” Castiel looks back up at him after a beat and Dean can feel heat rising from the back of his neck to his freckled cheeks.

“I’m just a man.” He swallows, feeling his throat dry instantly while his heart slams violently against his ribcage.

Their eyes stay locked for what feels like an eternity, and it almost feels like they’re trying to see into each other’s souls.

“You, uhm—” Dean falters when he catches himself staring at the man long enough to brand it as creepy. He looks down, clears his throat and shoves down the pejorative words that he’s heard from John one too many times, and locks them behind the door in the back of his brain. His jaw twitches and his fists clenches beside him as he briefly shuts his eyes, to regain his composure.

Castiel notices but he stays quiet, patiently waiting for Dean to get sentence across.

“—you wanna, maybe, come over Saturday night? I’m having this little birthday dinner and it’d be great if someone other than a colleague and my brother would show up. It’ll also be a great distraction for you.”

Kelly exits the house with Jack before Cas could answer, and it feels like a raw wound has been ripped open. The sight of Cas and a man who may or may not be his lover stings and for a moment she feels like retaliating— moving Jack away permanently— but after the talks they’ve had, it would be reaching for a new low.

“Mr Winchester!” Jack runs out from under her grasp to greet Dean. His smile is wider than Castiel had seen in a while.

“Hey kid.” He crouches down and is caught by surprise. Jack hugs him, his eagerness almost letting Dean lose his balance. He hugs him back and lets the kid linger for as long as he wants. Dean had always been a natural with kids, so it’s not really a shocker that Jack is so fond of him.

“I heard you’re going on an awesome vacation. Washington is it?” he smiles and Jack’s not sure if he should be sad or curious as to why going all the way to Washington is ‘awesome'.

“Have you ever been there? ‘Cause I have and it’s a beautiful place.” He adds and Jack looks up at his dad before looking back at Dean.

“I like Kansas though.” He says sadly.

“I know, me too, but I also love Washington. You can love them both, it’s okay.” Dean tells him before ruffing his hair and standing up to meet a very unimpressed Kelly Kline.

“Kelly, this is Dean, he’s my neighbour. Dean, Kelly.” Cas introduces them and she gives the green eyed man a tight lipped smile.

Dean greets her as politely as he possibly can before excusing himself, not wanting to get in between the Novak family drama.

“don’t forget to rsvp. I don’t wanna have my hopes up just for you to bail on me.” He pats Castiel on the shoulder, ignoring the lightning it sparked under his skin. He walks away and disappears into his yard.

“Is he—” she can’t even finish the sentence without shuddering. 

Cas responds with an eye roll as he pushes himself off the car to load the last box.

“Not every man I talk to is my boyfriend, Kelly.” He shuts the boot and takes a deep breath before walking over to Jack.

“Dean— Mr. Winchester is right, you’re gonna love Washington. I want you to enjoy yourself and when you’re back you can tell me about all of your wonderful adventures.” Cas smiles as best as he could, pushing his tears back so far and so hard that it’s beginning to hurt.

“I love you, kiddo.” His voice fails him, it comes out broken and shaky. He pulls Jack in for a long hug and plants a kiss on his forehead.

“Why don’t you come with us, dad? You’ll love it too.” jack frowns and he tries not to cry but his tears are already flowing. It hurts Kelly to see her son so broken, so bad that she nearly considers letting him stay.

“Hey, hey. Don’t cry. I know it’s going to be difficult not being here for a while, but you’ll be okay.” He stands and looks to Kelly. He wants to hate her right now, he wishes he could, but there’s no way he can, he doesn’t even know where to begin.

“call me if anything happens, I don’t care whether it’s three in the fucking morning or whatever, just let me know!”  He clenches his jaw, bites against his skin, hoping the pain would distract him.

“Yeah, I know. We’ll be fine… he’ll be fine.” They exchange looks, it’s a bit awkward but there’s a big cloud of sadness lingering above them that for a second, that awkwardness, the tension and their bickering has been set behind them. She pulls him in for a hug and feels as his body shakes against hers, she ignores it and plants a kiss on his cheek.

“Goodbye, Castiel.”