No Matter What

Part 4

Santana walks into the Auditorium just as Quinn takes a seat in the front row. Watching her as she walks over, a small smile fixed in place as it has been all night.

She chooses to sit in the row behind Quinn, a little bit of cowardness on her behalf she notes to herself, but she is feeling a little nervous. Quinn has caught her off guard with this reaction, The Quinn she remembers wouldn't be so forgiving, she would have been slapped at least 5 times before now for a start, and that was what she had been preparing herself for, not a day full of smiles and encouragement.

"You're different" Quinn's voice brings her back "I thought you would be back... Actually, no I didn't think you would come, but I thought if you did come back you would have more attitude, I wasn't expecting you to be so quiet...so nervous."

"I was just thinking the same about you, you are also different, I've been waiting to be slapped all night" Santana chuckled softly to herself and Quinn let out a sudden bark of laughter.

"Believe me, for just a second when you walked in the room that was my first thought, but just for a second and then I was just really happy to see you." She smiled as she turned her neck to see Santana and she shakes her head softly. "why are you so nervous? I have never seen you like this before."

"I am just so confused, I was expecting..." throwing her arms up in the air in confusion "I don't know, anything other than this, everyone has been so nice to me, Even Brittany. I just don't deserve it."

"You were expecting Kids Santana, but it has been 10 years, we are all adults now, we have all experienced how hard the world can be, some more than others and the things we thought were the end of the world at 17, 18 years old pale in comparison to real life."

"Yeah" Santana says softly under her breath. She knew this all too well.

"I was so mad at you when you left and by the time I stopped being angry at you, I saw you at Finns funeral and then I got so angry all over again that you didn't even say hello"

"I'm sorry" Santana says "I wanted to, I really did, but I was scared and I didn't want any drama, Finn didn't deserve that"

"I know, and I realized that once the day had passed and my emotions weren't quite as high" She said.

"I was so mad at you after graduation" Santana admitted, "I was mad at everyone I guess; everyone always assumed the worst of me, they always did. I know I probably deserved it most of the time" She adds when Quinn turns back to face her ready to say so herself. "But you knew me best, you knew my secret and you knew how hard I was finding it and you didn't even ask if I was okay, didn't even ask why, you just assumed the worst in me like everyone else did."

"You're right! I didn't ask and I am so sorry for that Santana, I honestly wish we could go back and change everything, take back all the things that were said. I honestly didn't really understand how hard it must have been for you, to keep a secret so big inside, especially something so life changing. I wish I was able to understand fully then and be there for you the way you deserved a friend to be."

"I didn't even understand it then Quinn, I was so scared and confused, god, I am still scared and confused, and I am an adult now. Telling my parents took a huge weight off my shoulders at the time, but now the thought of the entire world knowing and judging me for it, is absolutely terrifying." Santana tried to smile but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Don't let it rule your life any more than it already is, your family know and love you for it and that is all that matters at the end of the day. Don't ever forget that" Quinn said softly, "Life is too short to be worrying about things you can't control, people will always judge, and if they don't judge you for being gay, then they will find something else to judge you on. Besides, I am pretty sure your fanbase will support you regardless."

Santana nodded and offered a smile "Yeah they are pretty great" she agreed.

Santana knew her fanbase would support her, many of whom being gay themselves as they often revealed to her in fan letters, their feelings similar to what she too had experienced as a teenager, what she was still experiencing as an adult. She knew by opening up herself she would be helping so many young people, problem was she just wasn't brave enough.

"my grandmother disowned me when I finally told her" Santana blurted out "she told me that the sin is in the scandal, when people talk about it aloud, and I guess that is always in my head when I think about telling the world."

"Your grandmother is wrong" Quinn said angrily before she took a deep breath and said more softly. "She is wrong"

"Maybe" Santana shrugged "But the words remain in my head, her words from that day are still in my head clear as day, she was so disappointed in me Quinn, and it hurt like hell"

"I know how much she meant to you, but if she isn't able to still love you, simply because you like women, then you deserve better than her."

"I know that" Santana says swiping away a tear that fell from her eye. "But I still love her, is that crazy?"

"no, it's not, it just shows that you are a better person than she is."

"maybe"

"Listen, stop worrying about what the world will think and relax, your happiness is more important than what anyone thinks. If you aren't ready to come out to the world, then don't. There is no time limit on that, you will know when the time is right, and until then it is no one else's business."

"God, I really missed you." Santana laughed "Can you forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive, we were young and made stupid choices, all I have wanted for the past 10 years is to see you again, I've missed you too."

"I'd like to move forward, if you want to."

Quinn smiled brightly at Santana as she stood up and went around the row of seats to sit beside her.

"I would really like that. now how about we head back to the party? are you going to hang around town for a few days?"

"Yeah, I think I'm going to stay for a little while, I need a break."

"Great, we can catch up properly." Quinn says standing up and offering a hand to Santana. "I honestly can't believe you came."

"Honestly neither can I" Santana laughed as she allowed Quinn to pull her to her feet. "I admit I was tempted to run when I was standing outside the Choir room, like so close to running." She laughed nervously.

"Well, I am glad you didn't" Quinn's smile was so sincere than Santana couldn't help but return it.

"Me too"

and she really meant it, while the nerves were still strong, she was glad that she had come, glad that she was brave enough to step into the choir room and face her past. She had shown up expecting an angry response, expecting some people to ignore her, mainly Quinn and Brittany and while Quinn had been more open to returning to the friendship they once had, Brittany had also made an effort, but she wasn't expecting much more from Brittany, she wasn't sure she would ever get that forgiveness and trust from the only women she ever loved. All she knew was that she was going to try.