lucid dreams [r. lupin]

fifteen

october 16th, 1975 - courtyard

The full moon was tomorrow and he had barely any sleep in him, so he felt in a particular foul mood. He runs his fingers through his hair trying to calm himself down, before he did anything he'd regretted. This morning he'd nearly punched Sirius for breathing too loud. His heart was beating fast and his senses were overly sensitive, driving him insane.

He was so lost in his own world that he hadn't realised someone in his way and he bumped into them. His anger skyrocketed and he turns around with a glare, ready to snap at the person, but someone grabbed his forearm, making him turn around to see the small figure of Lorelei standing there with worried eyes.

"Rem, are you okay? I could sense your anger all the way across the courtyard." She says softly and surprisingly, he felt all his anger vanish as he takes a deep breath. Her calming presence seemed to have had an effect on him.

"Bad day." It wasn't a complete lie, but he wasn't about to tell her the truth.

"Do you want to talk about it? Cup of tea? I still have some of the chocolates you gave me stashed somewhere." She suggests, he simply shakes his head in denial. Even though he was calmer now, he didn't know when he'd snap again. And he certainly didn't want to hurt her in any way.

"I should probably go back to my room." He says, but her stubbornness wouldn't allow it.

"I feel like you should vent first. I use practice as a method of venting." She muses and he frowns, feeling his anger rising again. He just wanted to go back to his room, but she was still insisting.

"No. It's better I go back." He says, clenching jaw to try and keep his anger down. She gives him a look of disbelief.

"I don't think so. Come on. Let's go on a walk." She reaches forward to take his hand, but he takes a step back.

"Stop it. I don't want to take a walk, vent or even talk to you. Why won't you just leave me alone?" He snaps angrily, not being able to hold it in anymore. Even though his words had been harsh, she seemed unfazed.

"I'm worried, Remus. You're usually a lot calmer than this." Lorelei says, making him scoff.

"What do you know? You don't know me. We're not even friends." He says, this time she flinches at his last words.

"Don't say that. Of course we're friends." She says softly, watching his eyes darken with anger.

"No. We're not. Your boyfriend doesn't want us to be friends. So why should we." He snarls, making her huff.

"He doesn't control me. If I want to be friends with you. I will. Martin will have to live with it." She says firmly, making him shake his head with a dry chuckle.

"Certainly. It's not like you'd bend backwards for him. You're so dependent of him. If you really didn't care what he thought, you wouldn't have avoided me this whole time." Remus says angrily and she scoffs.

"Wow, Remus. Really? That's how you're going to be? It's not like you've been avoiding me too. Seriously, what's gotten into you? You're not the Remus I know." Lorelei says, crossing her arms over her chest.

"You don't know me! Stop acting like you do. Merlin's beard, are you so confident in yourself to think that everything is the way you want it to be? You're nothing but another girl who doesn't even realise what's truly going around you. Hell, even Martin is using you." Remus blurts out, immediately regretting his words as she flinches.

"You'd be surprised how much I really know. But like you said, we're not friends and we certainly don't know each other. Enjoy the rest of your life, Lupin." She says weakly, before shoving past him.

He turns around, reaching out for her in hopes to stop her and apologise, but instead he drops his hand to his side and sighs. He'd royally screwed up and he felt absolutely defeated. He should run after her, be honest with her, but he knew he couldn't control his anger in times like this, so instead of making things worse, he was better off just going back to his room.

He dropped his head, staring at the ground as he made his way back to the Gryffindor Tower. He shoved past a few students, not even caring at this point. His mind was all over the place, he felt like he was fighting a loosing war against his inner demons. 

His heart felt heavy as he can't get the image of her eyes filled with heartbreak and disappointment, out of his mind. He didn't know how he'd fix it or if he even could. Would she ever forgive him for the harsh words and if she knew the truth, would she have runaway or understood?

Uncertainty filled him up as he walks into the Common Room. It was buzzing with Gryffindor students, who were discussing classes, laughing at jokes and simply enjoy some free time. He even noticed his friends at their usual spot.

"Hey, Remus. Join us." Peter calls after him cheerfully, but Remus ignores him and makes his way up to their room.

The three boys give each other looks of worry. They'd expected him to snap at them or scoff in annoyance in the least, but his silence had been more frightening than his anger. Worry and panic settled in them.