A Gentleman's Promise

Chapter Four

Danny was gone before I was down the next morning. The house felt somewhat emptier than before, it made me feel rather melancholic.

Damien was waiting for me at the table, the paper spread out in front of him.
"Why weren't you there to wave him off?"
His voice was cold and unforgiving. I started to panic. I didn't want to make excuses but... well they were valid reasons but he wouldn't take them as such.
"No-one came to wake me up in time. I thought he'd leave after breakfast so Maria woke me up at the usual time."
"Next time he's here, you'll need to apologise for snubbing him like that."
"Of course. And I'm terribly sorry for embarrassing you like that."
"It's made me think twice about letting you go to London - I mean if you can't behave here then surely you won't behave in London."
"Oh Damien please let me go! I promise I will be on best behaviour the whole time!"
I felt like a child begging my father for something; it was demeaning but it was routine.
"I will let you go on one condition, if I hear one whisper that you may have done something to dishonour this family then you shall never go up to London again, is that quite clear?"
"Completely, sir, and thank you, again."
He didn't respond - he'd gone back to reading his paper as if I was never even there.

I didn't really know what to do with myself; I couldn't focus on my reading or my embroidery, and Damien definitely didn't want to talk to me.
I ended up sitting out in the garden. Even though I knew he was gone, I half expected to hear Danny's voice. He probably would have commented on how many butterflies there were or how nice the breeze felt when it gently brushed past your face. But alas, I was alone.

*

I stayed out till the sun dipped to just above the trees. It it bathed everything in a honey yellow glow, so sweet you could practically taste it. I think the dressing bell rang - I'm not too sure. It was too nice to go inside, anyway. Once it started getting cold, that's when I'd go in.
It was so calming to watch the sky fade from blue to pink to black. For once my thoughts were quiet. Damien had often remarked that my head must be either empty or filled with cotton wool but my thoughts were usually loud and abrasive.
There she was, faintly twinkling against the creeping dark blue, the morning star. I'd never understood how something so pretty was apparently something so evil. It seemed all wrong and backwards.
My sister Christina had always jokingly told me that it made more sense for Lucifer to be a woman than a man. A man trying to reach the hight and power of another man was common, but a woman trying to be a man's equal - well men tended to get very angry when that happened.

The door behind me opened and someone stepped out. I could hear the gentle swish of their skirts in the breeze.
"His Lordship wants to know if you're coming in for dinner, ma'am." Her voice was hushed slightly.
"I probably should," I looked up and smiled at her, "I'll have to apologise for not being dressed, but oh well."

I could see through the crack in the dining room door that Damien had already taken his place at the head of the table. His right hand was balled up into a fist and pressed against the table. I was lucky that Maria happened to be walking past.
"Are you alright, ma'am?"
"I'm suddenly not feeling so well. Would you please inform his lordship to start dinner without me and just send something small up to my room - I trust you to get me something safe."
"Of course ma'am. And did you want me to start packing clothes for your trip to London?"
"Has he organised that already? Oh he probably planned to tell me over dinner... Do you know what day we leave?"
"Wednesday, ma'am."
"Right, that's just about enough time to - yes that's enough days... Yes please, I need all my most up to date things packing and I can wear my older clothes whilst I'm home."

It was very brave of her, to face him alone. I could hear the clatter of his cutlery against the table as I made my way up the stairs. I don't think I'd have been able to take his anger head on tonight.

*

A single clementine sat on my dressing table. I sat down and dug my nails into the thick skin, trying to pry open an edge so I could peel it. There was a heavy feeling in my stomach, something similar to loneliness but.. well it couldn't be loneliness because I wasn't lonely. It wasn't sadness either because sadness always made me want to cry and I didn't want to cry.

A long thin string of peel unwrapped from the tangerine in a rather satisfying manner.

Was it possible to be lonely if you weren't actually alone? I had Maria and Damien and all the other staff so I was never alone.

With all the peel off and in a neat pile, I set to picking off the large white veins that covered each segment.

Maybe it wasn't loneliness. Maybe it was just craving something I didn't have. Did I just miss other people's company? I missed my sister, that I could be sure on. And I missed my brother. But other than them, I didn't have any other friends to miss. Well, I had Danny but... well he was more of a passing acquaintance. Like someone you meet at a train station and have a wonderful conversation with only to never see them again.

I carefully pulled each segment apart and ordered them from smallest to largest. As soon as a bit into the smallest I winced, it was a little tarte. It was probably picked too soon.
I ate the rest carefully, making sure to keep any juice off my dress.
I could hear Damien going to his room. He always went to bed so early. That had always annoyed me because I'd always thought night was a much nicer time to be awake.

Maria came up to help me get ready for bed shortly after. She was always so gentle when she could tell I didn't feel at my best; it was so soothing. It was too hot to try and to to sleep but it was nice to swap my thick day dress for my thin nightgown. After she left I stayed sat at my dressing table.
If I was truly lonely, surely I could fix it by spending time with the people around me. I waited till upstairs went quiet before carefully making my way out into the hallway and down towards Damien's room. I quietly knocked before opening the door and letting myself in.

"What do you want?" His voice was muffled by sleep.
"I can't sleep and I was wondering if I could sleep with you in your bed like when we were first married."
"You aren't a child in need of consoling. Go to bed."
"But I-"
"I said go to bed, Katherine."

I didn't linger and quickly went back to my own room. My bed seemed so much more welcoming now. At least I controlled this space and could banish him from it - not that he ever wanted to come in here anyways. The feeling seemed to hang even even heavier in my stomach, so heavy I'm sure it was physically pulling me down. I dropped into bed and tried to think of nicer things. It was only a few days till I'd see my sister again for the first time in what felt like ever, and I knew she'd be all too happy to see me.