DO YOU LOVE ME - yeonjun x oc [book 1]✔️

s e v e n t e e n

SAMMIE

I wake up the following morning — early as usual. Yeonjun is still sleeping, so I get up quietly, so he doesn't wake up.

I got to the bathroom to wash up before starting the coffee machine. And as I check my phone, I see a few unread messages from Mark.

He's been trying to contact me a lot lately. I know he feels like we're growing apart. And it's true. Since Yeonjun and I had that argument last week, I've thought a lot about what I want.

And even though I feel guilty for being a cheater, I don't feel bad that it's Yeonjun.

Back home, Mark was the center of my life. Everything I did was for him — to keep him happy, to keep our relationship going.

Every now and then, he would find a reason to be insecure, to get mad at me, to make me feel like I'm not good enough.

But he could also be very sweet and romantic. He took care of me and made sure I had everything I needed.

When we met, I was at the lowest point in my life. My mom had just passed away, and my older sister couldn't handle it, so she went off and disappeared somewhere in Oregon. I would hear from her every now and then, but that was it.

I was left all alone in my grief.

I met Mark when I interviewed for a summer job at his company. He would bring me coffee in the mornings, take me out to lunch, and sneak chocolates into my drawer when I was having a bad day. And when we started dating, and I finally opened up to him and told him about my mom, he became my safety net.

He was the only person in my life that I could rely on, and I was happy for a while.

It was when I started college that Fall that things began to change. I made friends and started going to parties. He got jealous when guys paid attention to me. He forbade me from going to the frat houses and said he was just looking out for me.

His possessiveness and jealousy always made me uncomfortable. But I took it as a sign that the cared about me-- that I mattered to him, and he just wanted what was best for me.

But after a year of this, and after getting lots of pep talks from my friends, I mustered up the courage to break up with him.

He was destroyed. He begged me to stay, he said he couldn't live without me, that he would change-- that he would stop getting angry when I would hang out with my friends.

He promised to fix all the problems I had with our relationship. And for a while, he did.

He became the perfect boyfriend. At least on the outside.

Because on the inside, he was boiling with anger. It didn't come out as much as before. He would still make me dinner and take me out on dates. Buy me gifts and be romantic. But whenever I went out to a party, he would criticize my outfit and say I looked like a slut. Or if I would stay at the library too long studying for a test, he would blow up my phone until I got home, and then he would check it to make sure I wasn't lying about where I had been.

The cycle would start all over again.

So that's when I moved in with Jackie and told him we needed to take a break. The breaks were hard because he would call me to say he missed me, that he was sorry, and that he loved me. And the truth is, I loved him too. I missed him too.

But all the criticisms he laid against me -- that I was not loyal, that I was this and I was that-- all of that stuck to me like Velcro, and I believed it. So inevitably, I would let him back in. I would accept his apologies, believe his promises, and let him back into my life. Every. Single. Time.

And don't get me wrong— deep inside, I've always known that Mark wasn't right for me. But I can't bring myself to break up with him yet. It's not that easy.

I can't stay in Korea forever. And even if I could stay here long-term, what if Yeonjun and I break up? Where would I go?

If I go back to Atlanta, Mark would be there, and I'd be going back to that. And if he ever found out I cheated on him, he would--

I just feel like I have no choice...

When I explained all of this to Yeonjun, I cried on his chest, and he held me tight. And when I was done, he stayed quiet for a while, taking it all in.

He never criticized me for staying with Mark. He just held me and listened to me and made me feel like all of that stuff didn't matter to him.

"I just want you, Sammie," he said, twirling a finger in my hair. "If that means I have to wait– If that means I have to prove to you that it can work out between us, then I'll do that."

"But why, Junnie? You could literally have anyone out there, and they'd be so lucky to have you... I'm just--"

"You're just what, Sammie?"

And that's when all the self-loathing and hatred came to the surface of my thoughts. All the disdain, all the loneliness, all of the reasons why no one would ever love me spilled out of my eyes.

Yeonjun held me. He didn't care that I didn't feel worthy. To him I was precious, and beautiful, and perfect in every way.

He wanted me like this and I couldn't understand why.

But it was at that moment, as he held me tight to his chest, that all the noise in my head stopped. The room around us disappeared, and all there was, was me, him, and the sound of my heart beating inside my chest.

He meant it. He would wait for me. Even if I wasn't ready. He would wait for me.

🌼🌼🌼🌼