Moving Forward

The Hardest Part

It gets worse before it gets better. Believe me, hearing that stunted me from moving forward for longer than it should've.

I didn't comprehend why leaving someone toxic would follow with more misfortune. I took the bad out of my life didn't I? 

It didn't take me long to understand that it wasn't misfortune.

It was wreckage. It was like a tsunami that destroyed everything you loved. Every comfort item you had was ruined or lost. Feeling like you didn't have the ability to repair it or even if you did it would never be the same as it was before. Something would always be off about it and that feeling of regret would linger whenever the memories resurfaced

For me it was my mom, my house, my daily routine, my bed. 

It had been ripped away from me, my heart divided into pieces and I wasn't able to stitch them back together.

I'm still not sure if deep down I was realizing the damage that ensued while I was with him or if I just didn't want to see or deal with it even though it was as blatant as the sun. 

All the people I hurt, all the opportunities I threw away, the happiness I had before was no where to be seen. That's what hurt the most.

Seeing all the things I loved before I met him that were now different.

I was sick of this ache I got whenever I looked at something he touched. All I thought about was the memory attached to it, all the fights he started when things didn't go his way, because that's who he was.

So I got a new bed. I rearranged my room. I started talking to my family again, even if there's awkward pauses remember its the effort that matters. 

I did what he told me not to do, I dropped out of college and started my journey onto the career that makes me happy. 

Thats what happens when you need to get over something, you begin again.

This time I hope its the last time.