Chapter 4

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(Perrie's pov)

I woke up by myself the next morning.

I rolled to my side to see yet another tray of breakfast with a note from Jade which read:

Hey Perrie.

I went out for a run but I'll be back soon. 

Call me if you need me.

See you later  <3

I smiled at the fact Jade had still made me breakfast even though she had her own things to do.

I recall her telling me she likes to go for a run to clear her mind.

Maybe I should try doing that. It might help me deal with everything right now.

Anyway I ate what Jade left me and made a mental note to thank her, for making me breakfast the last few mornings.

I decided to try and do something and I decided to do some reading.

Jade keeps recommending all these books to me and brought quite a few over so I picked one up.

However the main characters love story reminded me of mine and Leigh's and I couldn't stop the tears from falling.

A feeling rose inside of me again, scaring me.

I felt angry, almost furious but I had no clue why.

"Leigh..." I whimpered. "Leigh I miss you!" I yelled at the sky.

I saw the photo frame on the mantelpiece, a picture of me and Leigh smiling together on holiday, and in my anger I hit it and it fell off the photo frame and hit the ground smashing to pieces.

Then I heard the front door open and close before hearing Jade's cheery voice.

"Pezza, I'm back!"

I suddenly felt so ashamed and rushed to lock the door.

I knew I shouldn't, I needed help, but I didn't want Jade to panic.

My breathing started to get uneven and my hands were shaking.

 I sat on the bed, feeling tears come to my eyes.

"Perrie? You okay?" Jade asked, going upstairs.

"N-no." I answered, panicking.

"Perrie, open the door." Jade spoke, sternly.

"I-I can't." I sniveled, trying to wipe tears.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't open the door, I can't move!" I yelled, feeling more scared then angry now.

"Well if you can't let me in, I'll have to do it myself."

I was confused as to what she meant until I heard banging and pounding noises on the other side of the door, she was going to try and break the lock.

Eventually she managed to open the door and she came over to me and put her arms around me.

"Perrie, what happened?" She asked.

"I don't know." I replied. "I was feeling normal then suddenly I felt angry and I did something bad."

"Hm? Perrie, what did you do?" I pointed shakily towards the broken photo frame on the floor.

"Oh." Jade answered as she saw it. "What happened there?"

"I don't know, I...lashed out again." I looked down. I was scaring myself with these emotions honestly. I've never felt like this before.

I felt Jade lift my chin up before she looked seriously into my eyes and said, as if she read my mind, "You're okay."

After I'd calmed down more, Jade climbed down from the bed to clean up the picture frame.

"Jade wait, I'll do that. It's my mess, I'll clean it up." I called before she left the room.

She finally gave in after I insisted that I can clean my own mess up.

She sat perched on the edge of my bed so I decided to talk to her.

"Jade...do you really think I'm okay?"

"Of course you are. This is all normal when someone is dealing with grief."

"But...I've never felt like this before."

"I doubt you have, but you're just dealing with everything. It hit hard for all of us but I can't even imagine how you must be feeling."

"I know." I sighed, before continuing to clear up the broken glass and splintered  wood that was all over the floor.

(Later on)

Jade proposed the idea that we go out to eat tonight as I was still feeling uncomfortable and shifty at home after my recent outburst so that was how I ended up in a restaurant dressed up for yet again the first time since Leigh's death.

I saw everyone's sympathetic looks as they passed our table and I felt Jade's hand squeeze mine.

"I'm beginning to think this wasn't such a good idea." She whispered to me.

"It's fine Jade." I whispered back.

But I couldn't deny how uncomfortable I was with everyone saying how sorry they were for my loss, yet again. 

I don't think they realized how much pain it was causing me.

After we'd eaten and I must've faked a smile at least a hundred times to all the people saying they were sorry about Leigh I was holding onto Jade's hand so tightly as we left it must've almost cut off blood flow.

"I'm sorry, Pez." She apologized. "I guess I didn't think enough about how this was all going to affect you."

"It's okay." I whispered to keep the tears at bay. "You can't protect me from the outside world forever." I said trying to laugh to lighten the mood but it came out as strained as it felt.

Then Jade just turned around and hugged me. Right in the middle of the street.

"I'm honestly sorry." She said, her head on my shoulder.

"And it's honestly fine." I spoke up, moving out of her arms and continuing to walk.

It wasn't though. 

That hit too close to home.

(Nighttime)

After I said goodnight to Jade yet again I picked up my phone and texted Leigh's number.

Me: Hey my love. I got emotional and angry again today. I'm sorry, I know you don't like to see me sad or angry but to be honest I don't know what's going on. Jade says it's all okay but I don't feel like this is normal. Anyway sleep well my angel. Nanite. I love you ❤️❤️

I felt scared about what this "grief" was doing to me. 

It felt like I was losing my mind.

I snuggled up with another one of Leigh's hoodies and pretended she was there to comfort me.

"I'm scared Leigh-leigh." I whispered into the darkness before I felt sleep take over.


                                                                                        ####

Hey loves! I finally finished this chapter. I'm sorry it took so long. I do have an excuse, kind of though. I wasn't able to get on here for a week but it still took me so long to write this I'm sorry. ❤️

Anyway hope you enjoy, love you all and see you soon. Mwah! ❤️❤️














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