That Little Space Between Never And Ever [completed]

♡ Part 8 ♡

“I don't know what's going on with you, but it's very clear that something happened. What if we all calm down for a moment and you two start talking?" Helen said to Lando. He snorted and when he answered he sounded really angry and every word he said hit me straight to my heart. "Why should I talk to her if she only talks to me because of my job and my money?" It fell silent in the breakfast room and everyone looked at us. Some people looked at me in disgust when they heard what Lando said about me. "Lando please, that's not true, it..." I didn't get a chance to finish my sentence because Lando interrupted me. "Hmm, that's not true? Is there anything that was true? Was it actually true what you told me Friday night? Or was it all a lie? You just wanted attention?" He had no idea how much he hurt me with his words. Or maybe he did, but he just didn't care, which hurt even more. I saw Zak approaching us with Carlos behind him. "Lando, maybe you should listen to what she has to say." Zak said, for a moment it looked like he was going to do that, but then 'angry Lando' was back. "What have you done, Zak? Did you invite her to be here?" Before Zak could answer, I did. "It was me, I came to Zak to talk to him." I wanted to tell him more, but of course he did not give me the space to do so. He interrupted me again. "Of course it was you. It always is you, isn't it?" The hatred in his eyes was overwhelming, but this time he was interrupted. "Enough Lando!" Charlotte said. "I've never seen you like this. You're always that nice and happy guy. Don't say things you don't mean. You're going with me and you're going to tell me the whole story. After that, it's early enough to get mad at Olivia if she deserves that." She turned to me and Helen. "Helen, you're coming with me. Zak, Carlos please take care of Olivia." Before the two girls walked away with Lando, he looked at me for a moment. Most everyone had only seen hatred in his eyes, but for a moment I could see through it. What I saw touched me almost more than all of his hatred towards me. I saw pain... "I'm not going to forgive you, forget it." He muttered, then walked away with Charlotte and Helen.

Zak took me to one of the tables and Carlos ran off to get me a smoothie. He placed a strawberry-banana smoothie in front of me and sat down opposite me at the table. "I didn't know which one you would like, I really like this one, so I chose this one." Carlos said and he smiled. I took a little sip and to be honest it was delicious. I pointed to the drink. "I like it very much."
"That's good to hear! Are you going to tell me what's going on between you and Lando?" He asked. I looked at Zak. "Can you please tell the story?" He nodded and started telling Carlos everything. Carlos listened carefully and did not interrupt, which I really appreciated. I felt tears pouring down my cheeks again as Zak finished the story and I didn't even bother to wipe them away. Carlos put his hands on my arms. I was completely frozen when his hands touched me. Not because of the touch, but because of the terrible pain in my left arm. The wounds hurt like never before and I could feel my heartbeat in them. When I looked down, I saw some dark spots all through my sweater. I quickly put my arms under the table, but I was probably already too late. "Olivia..." Zak said slowly and carefully. I was afraid to look at any of them and I could not speak because I needed all my breath to process the pain. "Olivia, look at me." I did as he told me and saw the concern in his eyes. Carlos was quiet on the other side of the table and I noticed he was staring at my arm that had disappeared under the table. "What have you done?" In a split second, I had to choose between telling the truth and lying. I chose something in between the two options. "It's not as bad as it looks." I said softly. "That was not my question." Zak answered immediately. He sounded like my dad when he said that, but I quickly pushed that thought away. I didn't want to think about my dad, and the last time he took care of me like Zak was a while ago. But then I realized that I missed having a father. Not my father, but a father. I started to cry again, I hated it. All I did lately was cry, but I couldn't help it. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know what I was doing, I was broken, I couldn't take it anymore. There's just so much wrong with me." I managed to release with difficulty. Carlos put his hands on my right hand and looked me in the eye. "Don't say that, Olivia! There's nothing wrong with you. I've heard your version of the story and I believe you. Isabelle is the one who's wrong. You care about Lando, don't you?" I nodded and couldn't help it, but a smile came to my face when I thought about him. The smile didn't linger, because Lando hated me, but Zak and Carlos had both seen the smile. Carlos got up. "Let me talk to my idiotic friend, he can't resist my charms." He said, running his hand through his hair. I laughed softly and he hugged me from behind. "I'll do what I can for you, Olivia." After he left, Zak asked about my arm again. "Please show me." He said. "You don't have to do everything alone. We're a family here, McLaren is a family." Before I really thought about it, I said what I was thinking and feeling. "I'm used to doing everything on my own. I'm used to keeping my problems like mine and not talking about how I feel. I'm not one of those people who asked for help easily and, and... McLaren is not my family, Lando hates me, nobody knows me here and I don't have a job or anything here, I'm nobody, I'll never mean anything to anyone, I'm useless, I'm weak. Maybe I better get used to it and accept it. I can't change it so I better just give it up. I never give up or at least not easily. I am used to fighting, mostly with myself instead of other people or things but it is still fighting." When I finally got quiet again, I found Zak trying to get my attention. I was so in my head, round and round, I hadn't even heard him. He had said my name several times before and when he finally got my attention, he put his hand on my 'clean' right arm. "Don't talk like that about yourself! None of what you said was true. Of course I can't judge how you are, because I don't know you well enough for that. But I know you well enough to know that all these negative things about you are not true. You are a wonderful person and you are the only one who does not see that." He was so sweet to me and tears welled up in my eyes again. I hated it. Couldn't I just function for more than 5 minutes without crying? Zak gently picked up my left arm and pulled it over the table. He looked at me questioningly. I gave a short nod and quickly reached for my smoothie to give myself some attitude. I saw in Zak's eyes that the injuries were worse than he'd thought, but he didn't overreact. All he did was look me in the eye. Would all adults be and act like that? Don't show their own emotions, but expect young people to always do? If that is the case, I can't wait for everyone to really see me as an adult, because my 18th birthday was already a few years ago. Perhaps that is your own behavior, said a voice in your head. Maybe you need to become independent first, stronger, more stable. Maybe you need to prove that you can handle the real world first. I knew it would take a while before I really became an adult if that was the case. I can't stand pressure and obligations. I am not independent and I fear for the future. How am I ever going to manage that? My own job, living on my own, own mortgage, earning my own living. I'm sure I'm never going to make it, that I can't do it, that I'm too weak, that I would collapse... "You really need help, don't you?" Zak asked. All I needed was Lando was what I thought, but that was not what I answered. "I'm already getting help." Maybe he wanted to say or ask more, but he didn't get the chance. Carlos came back to us and Lando walked behind him. I didn't see Helen and Charlotte, but Lando seems a bit more relaxed than before. I quickly pulled my sleeve down, but I was too late... Lando stopped walking and stared at me. I wanted to get up from my chair and walk over to him, but I didn't. To have something in my hands, I picked up the smoothie again, but I didn't drink it. I had no idea what to do. Was there anything I had to do? Was there anything I should say? Fortunately, Carlos walked over to our table and sat down, which made Lando move again. I was ashamed sitting here across from Lando, the one I broke, the one who hates me and they all saw the injuries on my arm. I looked at the table and drank some of the smoothie. When Lando saw the smoothie, he looked at Carlos. ''Are you serious? A strawberry-banana smoothie?" At the way he looked, I understood what was going on. Strawberry-banana smoothies weren't Carlos's favorite, they were Lando's... When I realized that I stopped drinking and put the smoothie back on the table. "It's not poison, don't worry." Lando said. I looked at him in surprise. Was that a joke? Or is he telling me that he wouldn't mind killing me? Anyway he talked to me so that's a good thing I guess. "I talked to Lando..." Carlos began, and my attention was immediately turned to him. "I told him everything Zak told me that you told him." That sounded so complicated that I couldn't stop a smile. Lando looked at me dubiously and I wondered why my mood was changing so quickly. A few minutes ago I was crying every 5 minutes. Lando was now at our table with us, I knew he had talked to Carlos and I didn't understand why, but I felt better. I even laughed. "What's so funny?" Zak asked me with a face like: Why are you smiling? You have a fight with Lando and I just saw your arm… I shook my head. "Nothing, forget it." Then Carlos looked at Lando, as if telling him something that only he could hear. It worked, Lando cleared his throat and looked me in the eye. It seemed like it was difficult for him to do that, but he did. I looked at him too and waited for him to speak. "I believe what Carlos told me, I believe you and I'm sorry for my response..." I waited for the 'but' to come, because I was sure there was going to be a 'but'. I could hear it in his voice. "But I don't think this will be okay, that it will be okay between us. It does not work between us and it is better to both go our separate ways. Tonight you will go back to the Netherlands and we also have to leave Belgium again. It just doesn't work. I'm sorry, I wish you all the best, but that won't be with me." After his last words, he got up from his chair and walked away. He left me broken and a little confused. Of course I wouldn't have expected anything else. I broke his heart, tried to fix it, he probably doesn't like me at all, I don't mean anything to him and he can remain girls who are so much better. So much kinder, smarter, more fun, more stable, more handsome, more independent. Girls who understand themselves, who can be themselves, who know who is themselves. Girls who can function normally can breathe, move, think without almost panic. Girls he didn't have to take in tow, who could order in a restaurant themselves, who were social and didn't almost panic when she had to talk to more than three people. Girls he didn't have to save... I got up too. "Thank you for everything, you were very nice to me, but I have nothing more to do here. I have to go back to my brother, all the best for you two!" I said to Carlos and Zak. Carlos hugged me and Zak shook my hand. "Can you thank Helen and Charlotte too?" I asked them and then I walked away. It felt awful to leave the building and leave all this behind. I didn't want to let Lando go, but there was nothing else I could do. I wouldn't push him, this was his decision and it was the best for both of us. Yes, it hurts and yes, I cried while walking to the track to meet Charlie, Steve and… Isabelle.