Safe in Daddy Arm's

Chapter One: Self Awakening

Chapter One: Self Awakening

I want a daddy! I want a daddy! I want one right now! I don't care if I sound like a whiny brat. I need a daddy for nights like these when I'm huddled in the blankets scared of the thunder. Never liking loud noises, even as a child, thunder awakens my fear that I usually keep silent. The booming and clashing rattles my ears. I feel tears fall down my face. I hate this so much and I have no one to call to get me through this. My last boyfriend called a baby for being so scared of thunder. It is not my fault for never getting over the fear. It didn't help when my grandmother, who cared for me, died in a car accident while it was a thunderstorm.

Right now I would give my left arm for someone just to be here with me well the storm rides out. I'm tired of being alone and being called needy, whiny, in all of my attempts to maintain a Vanilla relationship. It's hard being alone, but I can't take any more rejection because I'm different. I tried so hard to pretend that I'm Head Bitch in charge. Even better than I can maintain this at work. In the privacy of my home though? I just can't. Needing to be cuddled and held by a lover is what I want yet none of them wanted that with me.

They thought that because I run my office that I want to control the home life as well. I tried to explain many times that when I am home I just want to curl up and relax. They brushed me, not taking my need seriously. Most only stuck around for the money I made. I'm just so drained. Surprisingly when I discovered the DDLG/MDLG dynamic, I felt like I found my place. Doors opened up calling me in. Before I knew I was buying new stuffies to add to my collection of one.

A stuffed animal that I couldn't find myself able to let go of as I grew into adulthood. My comfort object that I can't sleep without. When I try, all night I am up tossing and around, unable to fall asleep. Learning how to understand myself blows my mind. I thought for many years that I just had issues letting go of my childhood, that it wasn't right to want cute toys to play with. I discovered another side to myself that I had tried to bury and pretend that it wasn't there.

It was a freeing experience at first until my brain realized that it would be even harder for me to grow comfortable with the fact that I needed more from a relationship than just a warm body to lay next to me. I have always tried to be accommodating, allowing my needs to always take a backseat. With this new knowledge, I do not know what to do. I am out of my element.

Researching and learning what I have been able to find, BDSM, as well as the sub-divisions, these types of relationships, are about catering to both needs of each individual. No one's needs are above the others, they are equal. I wish to have something like this. My fear is still there, isn't holding me back. In a weird way, it feels like it is telling me to seek it out for my needs. That the fear, that is there is only because I am entering new territory that I am not used to.

I brought my stuffie closer to me as I rolled onto my side. The thunder was getting louder as time went on. I hope it stops soon, I can't process this. Think happy thoughts, Jamie. You can get through this. It is no different than the last storm. I try to encourage myself. I just need to get to sleep, I have a long busy day ahead of me. I will need rest to reach the end of my day without any issues. I can do this.

Six AM, my alarm goes. I groan in sadness. All that pep talk did nothing. I still ended up not sleeping a wink last night. The thunder didn't stop until it was four in the morning. By then it was too late to try to sleep. Coffee was going to be my lifeblood for today. I better get out of bed before I will need to be peeled out of it. I thought as I stood.

First things first, shower and a fresh set of clothes. I grab off the night and send a quick text to my assistant. Make sure that all of the files that I need for today's meetings are on my desk, please and thank you. Hitting send, I set my phone down and hop into the shower.