Falling

Chapter XI

He locked himself in his room after that.

Don't get him wrong, being in her arms helped. Just knowing she was there and that she wasn't going to leave was nice. He appreciated it more than she would know. But he needed some time to himself for a while. He'd come out when they were close to Ilum, he had decided.

Cal stared down at the lightsaber that he still held in his hands. The memory of his Master flashed in his mind again. His body was riddled with holes as he lay there, wheezing in pain, his large hands grasping his tiny ones. His chest ached in remorse. He bit his lip to keep it from quivering, clutching the saber close.

Trust only in the Force.

How? How could he trust it when all it seemed to do was remind him of the pain? How was that supposed to help him? How could he let it go? What sort of Jedi was he?

He had been in this vicious cycle for hours. He couldn't stop. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to.

There was a knock on his door, light and hesitant. He didn't need to guess who it was.

"Cal? You doin' okay?"

The boy swallowed and exhaled slowly, compelling himself to loosen his grip on the hilt.

"I thought I'd let you know that we're almost there. About thirty to forty minutes, Greez says. So... yeah. Just a heads up.

"I made you a plate," she added. "It's not much, but... y'know, I figured you'd be hungry from running around all day. I can leave it out on the table if you want so you can eat it later. Just let me know."

The corner of his lips twitched upward. It was nice to know that she cared so much.

There was a long silence that followed, but he knew she was still standing outside her door. He could feel her standing there.

"Please let me in."

It was soft, almost unintelligible. He didn't think he was supposed to hear. Either way, his heart ached. She was worried about him.

He wanted to be alone though. Didn't he? Had he had enough time to himself? He thought yes. But there was something in him that longed for someone there, just to sit in silence with, maybe exchange a few words.

Not just anyone.

Cal heard her clear her throat. "I'll put this on the table for you then. I'm here when you need me. Just let me know, okay?"

He chewed on his lower lip in debate. He didn't want to be alone, not really. He thought he did, but...

You don't have to be alone. Not anymore. You never had to.

Neither of us have to.

Cal got to his feet, the hilt still in his hand, and approached the door, pressing the controls to unlock it. It hissed open, and he took a half step out.

Nima, who was halfway down the corridor, turned to look back at him in surprise. She gave him a quick scan, taking in his appearance, looking for anything out of the ordinary before meeting his eyes.

He quickly let his gaze drop. He couldn't look at her. He was too ashamed. He knew he shouldn't be, but how could he not? He was supposed to be strong, supposed to be brave, supposed to set an example, and he failed. He failed the Order, failed his Master, failed her.

"I need you."

For a moment, there was silence. Then he heard footsteps coming closer and felt her hand on his arm. She offered the plate of food which he took gingerly, giving her a thankful smile. She grinned and followed him into the room, settling on the cot next to him.