For never (skk fanfiction)

Introduction - Trying to scream

The rain was dropping heavily on the oaks outside. 

There was no sound in the great hall, except from the smell of blood escaping from the pale bodies. I tried to hold my breath, so that nothing would break this peaceful silence. He had his eyes closed that I had covered with tears. I had never cried for such a trivial thing then. My tears were dripping, although I don't wanted them to. His body was cold. He wasn't moving anymore.

I whispered: "I'm so sorry Odasaku" throughout my trembling voice.

I left the dead body here, knowing the Mafia would take care of it. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't anymore reach this untold happiness. I left, walking through the rain which was still falling. I was walking in the forest, zoning out, not realizing what I was doing. I was shaking, still unable to breath properly when I felt a push on my back. A kind of pressure that I knew so well.

This shitty redhead. I didn't want him to see me, ever. Why was he always there when I felt bad? Why didn't he ever give me a chance to breath? Why did I felt so oppressed? So oppressed to see him worrying about me. The contours of my eyes were red. My dark circles were visible. He must have thought that I hadn't slept for at least a week.

With his voice that I hate so damn much he shouted to me : "Dazai what the hell is going on with Odasaku? The Boss told me to come". I turned around. I understood directly in his eyes that he knew I had cried. He was scared, shaking like a leaf. What an idiot. 

Moved, he said to me : "D- Dazai you..."his voice was marked by fear.

I didn't let him finish his sentence, as I said calmly : "No". I turned around again and kept going. As a lightning bolt had just made the ground tremble and fell on a tree I said to him: "I have to go. Goodbye Chuuya".

I heard him yell from behind: "Stay here for god sake or I'll kill you"

I reacted abruptly, without realizing the consequences that it may trigger : "Leave me alone!". 

He was destabilized, lost, but used to it. Why did I keep reacting like this, so violently to him? I knew he looked dismissive and angry but was fragile inside. so why was I reacting like this? I loved him though, didn't I? 

I never really knew if I had ever had real feelings for someone. I am so overrated, unrealistic, unreal. I didn't want to get attached to Chuuya or anyone else. They all leave anyway. But it was already too late, the damage had already been done. I wanted to hug him so bad.

 Why am I like this? Why do I feel the need to run away?

It was the last time I ever saw him.