For never (skk fanfiction)

Part 1 - Nothing else than loneliness

I was in my bath, with my wet clothes on. The water was freezing cold. Blood came from my neck and flooded the pure water. My bandages were soaked. The phone kept ringing, I knew who it was. The answering machine was looping as I held my whole being so as not to feel anything. But if I was there, in this bath, it was to finally feel something. Even such a insignifiant thing as joy.

Chuuya's voice, drunk with the wine he must have ingested, horrified me and it was so scary that it actually made me feel so much sadness. His voice was painfully filled with nothingness. He was struggling  to put the words together, he was getting nowhere, whimpering softly so I couldn't hear him. The problem was that it was the only thing that interested me. I heard him sobbing while saying aggressively that he hated me.

Many people in my life already told me that they hated me. But none of their words never hurt me like his does. Since forever, as soon as I cried a little, I felt better afterwards, so why didn't it work? Why couldn't I get a single tear out? I wanted to pop my eyes out of me.

Why was he trying to contact me? He had probably already been told that I was leaving.

He was screaming through the phone : "Stupid shitty head, I hate you, I hate you so damn much" or just somme words associated all together like "sorry...mackerel...come back...please". I couldn't take it anymore. Chuuya was begging. He never did that. It was so painful to hear.

So so painful.

Why am I always leaving people? Can't I just stay and love them forever? I left, all wet, at around 5 a.m. I got out of the building, leaving nothing behind me except a letter. I knew that when Chuuya will be sober, he will want to come to our apartment. This apartment where I will never set a foot again. The sun was rising. He was hot and punched me right in the face. It hurt, like a slap that brought me back to reality. When I raised my head to look at who had slapped me, I saw the same sun that made me laugh, long ago. This rising sun that I had seen with this fool. I remembered his words exactly. He whispered to me : "At least he will always be there for me". I pretended not to have heard it.

I just can't get out of my head the fact that I find it so hard to accept that I love him. I hate him because I love him so damn much. I just love when he smiled at me like we were the only one existing. When he looks like a new born baby idiot. I'm so dumb. I hate myself. I can't stop hurting him. I pretend I know him, but I don't even really understand why he is sobbing.

At least, Chuuya and Odasaku gave me a reason to live.

My phone was still ringing. This time it was a text message which was saying : "Dazai, is this a joke? Am I nothing for you? Why are you leaving?? ANSWER ME FOR GOD SAKE".The following one, hurt me way more... : "hey.. answer mackerel...I'm begging you"

I couldn't stop thinking about him. Why can't he just quit existing? Is it my fault if I'm like that??

I stopped and sat down on a bench. I was going to the Mafia HQ. The streets were dark and full of mist. Chuuya's car was there. I didn't want him to come back to our apartment. I must say that I had enjoyed it at the beginning. Exploding his car. The problem was that when I turned around, that bastard was right behind me. His hair were messed up and he probably hadn't slept all night. I was quite worried. What was he doing there?

He was just starring at me, and then started walking toward me.

I didn't knew what to do. Then, his three words killed me. He said to me, with the softest voice : « who are you? ». And I panicked. All I did was hug him for the last time. I was squeezing so hard he told me several times to stop. Just after that Chuuya fell asleep. I've never talked to him again since... I just wanna forget, for ever.

(i don't know about the credits for this pic! lemme know if you know who's the artist - the kanji means « chuuya » if you're wondering)