To Let You Go

1. When snow melts, the world calls.

We start, at the start.

There was a time in my life where I would look out my window, and my brain would focus on what I could see, narrating in my head, the birds in the trees, and the snow falling off the roof at that fast but slow pace. I would notice the shade in certain areas and my body would remember the feeling of warmth the sun gives off. A feeling of calm, like a giant loving wave, would sweep over my body as I gazed outside. I was okay. I was happy. I knew that everything was going to be okay. Now, as I sit by the window, I wonder; when did things get so complicated? I feel so disconnected from this world, as if I could forget what it's like to be cold. I don't feel anything.

My eyes, they like to fool me. They dart around the room. My room. Also known as my safe haven, my corner of the world. It's pure in a sense, zen and comforting. Familiar colors and objects calm my buzzing brain. My vintage creaky house is also home to a beautiful window ledge. My daily routine consisted of a swap between my bed and the ledge where I allowed myself to gaze outside and feel lost. There's always too much to think about these days, so much to do. I'm always overwhelmed because.. life seems to be never ending.

Everything circles through, in this life and in the next. Such a simple fact, yet I struggle with it so much. I don't want things to move forward. I want to move backwards. Time machines don't exist, but why do you think they even became a vision? I just want everything to stop, even for a minute. Does that make me foolish? Maybe. It doesn't matter though, because the world won't just stop. The snow keeps melting, and the world keeps calling my name. I always ask myself so many questions I know I don't have the answers to, like, who am I living for? I know it's not me.

There's a noise behind my bedroom door, and I scramble to open my window and blow out my candle before the unknown individual enters my room.

"Leslie, honey are you awake?" my mom asks while entering.

"You know, I really wish you would knock, it's not that hard." I reply softly.

It seems dramatic, but this lack of curtsey makes me feel like I am missing some sort of control I am entitled to have. I don't know.

My mom rolls her eyes. Dismissing my request, once again. "You want some breakfast? Isn't it a bit early for you to be dressed?" Relief consumes me. She doesn't smell the candle. My mom hates when I have a candle lit, for some unknown reason. I was not mentally capable to take in her run on complaints about candles this morning. I got lucky.

I walk towards to door as she moves aside, grabbing my bag hanging on the door knob. Her expression changes to something unreadable.

"No thank you, I'm actually heading out." I say, with full confidence.

"Leslie Dianne Ambrose, where exactly are you going?" She asks while popping out her hip and placing her hands on each side. Saying my full name is my mom's way of telling me she needs me to give her more information.

"Gia is waiting for me outside, we're gonna go out for breakfast." I spread a grin across my face. I need her approval, but even if she tried to say no, it wouldn't change my plans. Which is why she won't stop me.

"You are home by 11 or you won't see the outside of this house for 2 weeks." she replies.

I smile and nod as I walk downstairs and out the door saying good morning to my dad on the way out.

"Morning to you dad, see you later!" I cheer, swinging open the front door.

"Mhm, okay." He mumbles back. He's sitting at the kitchen table in his robe, a cup of coffee in one hand, his phone displaying a CNN article in the other.

I step outside and see Gia, my best friend. She's waiting outside for me in her jeep. I run, get in, and we're off. 

Music blasting the speakers, on an early post-snowfall morning, driving down this old dirt path, the only dirt path in this modernized town. She was speeding up and in her element. 

I just couldn't stop her.