Birdcage

Chapter 19 Lila...

I stand outside my office building, preparing myself to go in, cherishing the cool wind brushing against my face. I want to be anywhere but here; this week at work has been the worst yet. We lost a client, a big client, and Max has not taken it well. We have all suffered, but I can't help but feel he has taken it out on me the most. Maybe I'm being sensitive, or paranoid; or maybe it's the fact I know there is a distance between Dane and I at the moment, but it seems Max is holding me personally responsible for the company's loss.

I feel a presence behind me, followed swiftly by a comforting arm around my shoulders, and Robbie's voice in my ear, "C'mon, sweetie. The weekend is here, we can get through one more day."

It's like he saw me stood there, hesitating, and could read my mind. It's probably because he is feeling the same way. Knowing I have him there makes me feel somewhat better, so I manage to move my grounded feet and we head inside.

The day starts off somewhat okay, and I start to let my guard down. I even enjoy my work load a little; some of our other clients heard about the loss and have been emailing throughout the week for assurance we are in a good place. So, this morning it is my job to do that. There isn't much sign of Max, just the odd slamming and banging coming from his office. Perhaps he will stay in there all day, sulking and we will be left alone.

Because he isn't around, I decided to go and make Robbie and I a drink; after this week I think ten minutes outside of our lunch break for a hot drink is the least we deserve. I head into the staff room and make the tea, before carrying the two mugs over to Robbie's desk. I was hoping he would have a little time to spare to sit and drink them together, but when I see him, I know that won't be the case. He looks flustered and a little pissed off, but when he sees me heading his way with the steaming cup in hand, his features relax slightly and he offers me a grateful smile in return. He pushes himself back in his chair and takes his drink from my hand. I had planned on perching myself on the end of his desk but I don't bother, he explains he can't stop and talk due to having to close the accounts of the client that dropped us; turns out we owe them money and giving it back is more of a hassle then you would think. So, I return to my own desk and sip at my tea, thoughts shifting from work and onto Dane. I had decided last night that I need to talk to him and tell him about Maisie. He had called me late last night to inform me the girls being smuggled into the UK had been found and the men arrested. I felt so relieved and so happy in that moment that I didn't want to ever let that feeling go. I can see why Dane and others like him do the jobs they do; it may be dangerous and stressful, but the feeling you get when you have achieved something so life changing for someone, makes it all worth it. That is what I want from life - from a career. I'm not saying I want to run off and become a spy, but it gave me a little motivation to start looking into other options. I can do so much more; I can be so much more.

I'm not sure where Dane and I stand at the moment though, something has changed and I don't know if it's me, him or the both of us. I've been worried and feeling guilty that I haven't told him what I know about Maisie, and I think that has changed the way I have been acting. What I need to know though, is if he has been off because of that, or because he is holding something back himself. The thought of this – whatever it is – ending between the two of us breaks my heart. I have realised these past few days that I have fallen fast and hard for a man I barely know. It's pathetic really, and the old me maybe would have just let things play out and the flame fizzle, but the new me won't do that. I believe in this thing we have and I need to fight for it; I just hope he will do the same thing.

I haven't talked to anyone about the minor issues I'm having with Dane, and that probably isn't helping, but I can't talk to anyone. I shouldn't even know the things I do about Dane and his work, so I sure as hell can't tell anyone else. Instead, I have been at Gen's emotional beck-and-call, to help her through her split from Danny. It's been a good distraction from everything, and when I spoke to her last night, she sounded much better. There is a far cry from the person she was when she walked into that restaurant to meet us at the beginning of the week. She has reached the stage of anger, and instead of blubbering over the phone to me about how much she is missing him, she is now calling him every name under the sun and throwing all that feeling in to her work. Her boss even pulled her into her office and commented on the outstanding pieces that she has been bringing to the table. It makes me feel proud of her and I know she will get through this. I even made a mental note to myself to ask Dane if he has any single friends, we could set her up with when the time is right.