Life with Evans

Making up

We spent the flight quietly whispering our worries - it actually made talking easier. Everyone else pretty much had headphones in after a few hours and was either sleeping or engrossed in something else.

I tried my best to explain how I'd been feeling really shit, how I'd felt left out and that at times he wasn't trying as hard as I felt I was. He listened brilliantly - he was calm and compassionate. He agreed where he could and sympathised where I needed him to.

"And all I've wanted is some space from Will, and some time away - but then now all I can think about is him and how much I miss him" I tried not to cry.

"Hey, come here" he put his arm around me and held my head to his shoulder "I fucking feel ya there. Your mom is gonna be fed up with us texting over the next few days"

"I've already made her let me know what they're up to with photographic evidence. Maybe we should have brought him with us"

"Maybe, but it's mostly time on flights and that's not fair on him, he won't remember any of this and as long as there's milk around, he's not too fussy about who's giving it to him" he smiled.

"My boobs are not enjoying being away from him though"

"You ok?" Chris looked a little worried.

"Yeah I'll just go and pump. Sorry, not the most attractive of things" I grabbed the kit from my bag.

"Don't apologise. I think that the whole thing is fucking incredible, you making him and now all the things you do to keep around. Everything about you being a mom is fucking hot to me" he smiled and my heart fluttered. For the first time in a month, with things out in the open and Evan's being attentive, I felt a bit better.

As soon as we landed we were at interviews. They primed us with coffees and snacks and we got to it! Evans and I weren't paired together for much but he was being very good and sending me little texts saying he loved me and I couldn't wait to have a night alone with uninterrupted sleep!

We were all too tired to go out in the evening so Chris and I planned to order room service. He'd got back to the hotel room before me and I walked in to a glass of wine poured and him filling the bath.

"Hey" he smiled from the sofa as he turned his laptop off and got up to greet me. "Everything go ok?"

"Yeah, thanks. You?"

"Fine. Same old same old, you know? You heard from the boy?"

"Yes my mum text from his night feed. Everything's fine. He's fine. They're surviving. She took him to see her old friends from Oxford earlier and he was cuddled by all." I shared the photo she'd sent with him.

"Right, so I've drawn you a bath, and food is gonna be here in like an hour. Drink this" he handed me the wine "and I can wait out here, or I sit and chat with you" he knew me well.

"A chat in the bath would be perfect" I gave him a quick kiss before heading towards the bathroom and undressing.

I stood looking at myself in the mirror for a moment. To me, my body had changed dramatically. I'd not got any stretch marks that were massively visible but I seemed a different shape, my hips a bit wider, my boobs looked huge, my hair was falling out all over the place. My eyes looked tired. I felt tired. I'd been to the doctors fit my last check up a few weeks or so ago and he'd given me the all clear to carry in life as normal. I'd been the the gym for a few sessions but the thought of getting up to any "strenuous exercise" with Evans scared me. Mainly because I didn't feel like me any more and I was worried he wouldn't see me either.

"You're perfect" he smiled from the door bringing my drink as I slipped into the bath.

"I'm not massively feeling it"