Forest is close, trees are far

i. Bjerne

Dearest,

Time got harder. Not in the sense that the heat and hot air cannot be pushed through the trachea, but like a train rushing frantically, and my shoulders are overwhelmed, hunched under the burden of comprehension and forebodings. I suspect you don't even know what you're doing to me. You are somewhere, you are standing in that hallway and I know, you never once think whether you will see me approaching you, approaching you down the space of the hall. How unjustly injustice has decided that I do it repeatedly not only when I find myself in that hallway. I look for you within the car window, in the waves of nameless people whose expressionless faces merge into a ribbon that unwinds parallel to the road and a car that seems more like an imposed comfort than a privilege. If you were next to me, I might understand things differently. Maybe with her appearance she would make what I hate, bearable, maybe the world would be weird and mysterious and beautiful as if it were in a shadow galaxy spilling out of your irises.

I stay on the doorstep not entering while the ceremony lasts nor will I enter when it is finally over. Anyway, it's all just formalities, because of the people sitting in the bench in front of the altar, because of the rules that no one understands nor tries to understand, but they prefer them because someone said they should. 

A white dress in the middle of trees and gold. When I close my eyes the canopy rises in place of the roof, the trees are still alive, the altar is a green expanse in front of which stands an abundance of whiteness. Sound of the song force my eyes to open. Melodies calm and full of hope. Hopes intended only for those who are allowed to go down to the altar. I prefer to keep my eyes closed. Somewhere there, all the deeds that preceded that act were done, all possible shy delays were outgrown, and we reached happiness; all that in reality I am afraid to do and say, done and said.

The main character in suit is looking at me, asking for something from me, asking for something without having to say anything. What he needs, I can't give him. Because no one can give anyone confirmation that what they are doing is right. If that were the case, no one would make mistakes, and many hearts would still be beating. 

They are holding hands, she nervously tries to restrain her gaze, to place it on something that will calm her, to convince her of the favorable outcome of the dilemma of man in front of her.

His eyes seemed to glaze over, the wind opened the door a little more, the rays and shadows increased the illusion. He looks at me for another moment, and then I run, the trees take me, from the living world left behind no one calls me. In my mind I call for you.