The Blood Moon

Forgiveness

"B-Bungee," I murmured, my hands shaking so badly I thought I might drop my wine and send shards of glass skittering across the elegant patio.

What was I supposed to say? It's not like I wasn't prepared for this moment. Though I may have only found out a couple hours earlier that Bungee would be there, I still had those hours to consider a plan of action. I had time to rehearse in my head all the possible outcomes of our inevitable reunion. And, on top of all that, I had two months worth of waiting and wondering to fall back on.

It's not like Bungee magically fell out of my head after what happened. For a month I went to the zombie commune, checking in on his recovery and making sure he was on the mend. When he was getting well enough that he could take visitors, I asked myself the very same questions that were plaguing me as I stood face to face with the zombie himself. Except a month ago, I was trying to approach him on my terms. I had plans, I had a script, and I had a choreographed dance that nimbly navigated the treacherous waters between us. Or at least I thought I did.

Once it became clear Bungee wasn't interested in seeing me, those plans degraded and, in that moment, as our surroundings buzzed with excitement and fluttered with merriment, any remnants of my carefully calculated strategy had become feeble and useless. Nothing was good enough to clear the void that stood between us.

"Bungee," I continued, my voice raspy as I struggled to hold on to my emotions, "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry," he said with an ill-humored laugh. "Why are you sorry?" His question burned with frustration and anger. And though, I felt the heat of his words, I could tell by the way he turned from me and faced the floor instead, that his hostility was pointed completely inward. "I'm the one who is sorry. I'm the one that...touched you. That tried to take your body against your will." He grit his teeth together with such ferocity, I thought they may crack under the pressure.

"No," I begged, my voice regaining some strength as I watched his stern facade crack, "no, please don't think like that. That...that malicious spirit was the one that did it. He only used your body for his motives. It's not your fault, please don't believe that it is." He kept his eyes to the floor, unable to look at me as he forced his emotions through his clenched fists. "I'm so sorry you were put through that."

"Stop apologizing," he growled, his gaze watching me from the corner of his eyes. The gentle green that used to color his irises now felt dark and muddy. I couldn't hold his stare and out of weakness, I cast my own gaze to the floor. Perhaps seeing this as surrender, he continued on with his self-loathing tirade. "I'm the one that needs to apologize and I need you to let me do it, right here, right now, while we are surrounded by others and you can feel safe in their company."

"Oh, Bungee," I said, my words low and wet as the corners of my eyes burned, "I feel safe with you. You aren't the one..."

"If I told you I could have fought harder, would you still feel safe?"

I cast a hesitant glance his way, but didn't turn to face him fully. So he continued.

"If you knew that I could have fought harder to regain control, would you still feel comfortable around me?"

"He was a very old ghost," I answered, looking up into his pained eyes so he understood how fully I believed in his innocence. "It is completely understandable that it was a struggle to fight back. The fact you regained control the times you did..."

"Stop," he ordered through clenched teeth. "You don't understand and I can't ever be free from this guilt if I don't admit everything to you..." He paused, his lips pinching and folding, his eyes looking to the night sky, perhaps searching for the Blood Moon that had promised strength for so many that night. "I know I could have done more, but...but a part of me enjoyed being close to you. A part of me relished the confidence that Trevor had. A part of me wanted to see how far you would let me go if I had the courage to make my feelings known."

The words hung in the air while the rest of the party turned their attention to the dance floor where the newlywed couple stepped out to a sweet tune of love and dedication to guide their footsteps.

"No matter how hard I try," continued Bungee, his words forced out as if his throat did everything it could to keep him from setting his thoughts free, "I can't excuse that part of me. I could have fought harder and I hate myself because I didn't."

Silence followed and I sipped my wine in an attempt to soothe my aching throat. My eyes danced over the intricate paving stones beneath my feet, searching for a word, any word to say.

"Trevor fed off of my feelings for you," he continued when I failed to find anything to fill the void, "and it made him stronger. How can I face you knowing that? And how can I ever hope for you to see me as more than a friend after what my body has done to you? After knowing that a small part of me enjoyed being so close to you?"

"I...I don't know," I whispered, my voice so low and raspy, I couldn't even hear it, but by the way Bungee's face contorted with a mixture of understanding and pain, I knew he had heard me clear enough. "But," I continued with renewed vigor, "Bungee, I forgive you. We can work through this. I still don't blame you. It was a hard situation for everyone and Bungee, I need you to hear me when I say, I forgive you."

"Doesn't matter if I can't forgive myself."

In his eyes, I saw the real pain that Bungee felt that night. It hadn't been the snap of his back that left the biggest scar. The guilt, the desire, the regrets, they left a gnarled wound that no mage could heal.

"H-hey Bungee," said a timid voice that made a desperate effort to sound perky, "did you try the foie gras yet?"

We both pulled ourselves from the dark place we had slipped into and looked over to find Liz with an apologetic glint in her eyes and an awkward grin upon her face.

"I've said all I needed to say," answered Bungee, who turned to direct his words to me. "You don't have fear me anymore."

"I never did, Bungee." To be fair, I had been quite afraid of him when we first met, but that's because I hadn't really met Bungee yet. Now I knew who he was, and I knew with certainty that despite Bungee's concerns about his lapses in judgment under the extreme pressure of possession, he still was one of the kindest people I'd met so far at Whisper Valley, if not one of the kindest people who had ever graced my life.

He, however, chose not to respond to my assertion, but instead left the patio and disappeared into the crowd that now swelled upon the dance floor.

"Liz," I said, my voice rough with the tears I suppressed.

"Yeah?" she asked with a concerned pinch of her lips.

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked, swallowing hard as my body shivered with the emotions coursing through it. "Could you take care of Bungee for me? He won't let me get close after everything, so I need someone to look after him and make sure he's okay."

"Yeah, I'll watch him for you, Del."

She then gave me a hug.

I finished my wine and wished Liz a good night before taking a quiet shuttle ride back to the commune.

***

Del's night is off to a rough start.  How will she recover from her run in with Bungee when she meets up with Irene for the festival?

Relationships are hard, especially when we take into account that every person we're interacting with has their own story of both joy and trauma.  I know I haven't figured them out yet and I think this pandemic has only magnified the small fractures that were already present in various relationships.  But, I think it's also made some relationships stronger.  How is it going for you when it comes to maintaining relationships in a pandemic?