Lucidity is hard

THE SPICE OF LIFE

I draw the positions of the game that Saori and I tried to remember. A mixture of Japanese and English.
I remember the sand, the thirst, I was 8-9 years old, we took a third of a glass of water so as not to affect the sports performance, we took a mixture of juice too, which to me was like the elixir of energy.
Saori reminds me that soft girls were bad, I agree. I remember I suffered a lot for being Gaijin ( 外人, [ɡai (d)ʑiɴ]; "outsider", "alien", "Non-Japanese", and look I was the best in two months, I was already a starter. As the games were long, I could think a lot about my mistakes, my escape attempt, and then echoed that sound of the ball hit, Clang.....

No wonder she is here, she trained from 7 to 14 years old. Imagine! I think that sport leads to depression, in fact, bad children lead others to depression, holy shit! How to get it right? How to fix these things? Funny that just like me, she imagines fantastical things. She said that if she died she would become Harry Potter, she would reincarnate in another very famous body. In my case I think that if I died I would be famous, they would write about me anyway. And now I think I will become a successful writer and help the world to fight to bully. I told Madelyn that when I write in Portuguese it seems silly, childish.
18:12 Visiting time, I'm talking to Daniel. I do not know why. But I remembered Salto São Jorge Parana Brazil, I didn't smoke weed, I was more interested in staying with Christina, I remember we spent hours in the tent, while everyone was having fun, smoking and drinking, I was addicted to her, I think I'm addicted to emotions, to her, to that intensity, and I don't even remember much of the sex itself, but I remember when we came back, instead of disguising it pretending I slept all afternoon, I yawned and said: - I am sleepy... Then I completed ...
- The more you sleep, the more you are sleepy.
Everyone took many pictures of this trip, I have thousands. But contact ... with anyone. Why is it so hard to keep in touch, to keep in touch with people? Today I understand my second wife. - "Family is everything". You never get lost, I hope ... Fear goes on anxiety too, Daniel read what I wrote and said it was beautiful ... it made me want to write more. I will continue and follow some advice from Madelyn, to stop with obsessive thoughts, to do something else, but writing to me is becoming something obsessively, but I need to, but I need, she says I always carry the notebook with me and it's true. What am I supposed to do? I didn't want to stop writing. I don't want to.
Returning to remember the Salto Ventoso (Carlos Barbosa Rio Grande do Sul Brazil) flawless act by Freud, Salto São Jorge Parana Brazil, I remember the people lying on the stone, I wanted to be close to her, but she was always afraid of others to watch us, that was dark, but the sky was clear of so many stars, not as much as in a camp when I was 15 years old, Senior Adventure, I met Lazarus, we were not sure why I did not want to, I was so depressed in this camp, we were jumped across the abyss and one boy said:
'Yane, why don't you jump'?
And I made so many "friends" I don't know, to show them that I was cool, I didn't have to treat me like that. I thought now if I had given up the Boy Scout because of softball, would I never have gone through it, puts on the other hand what it's like to have suffered? People humiliate themselves if they mistreat themselves... maybe the world was too boring without all this, maybe it's the spice of the world and mine because without suffering I wouldn't be here...
Nut Rock Sport Class*
Crazy rock and sport class
Grandeur thoughts
I've always had it' normal... goes easy, easy...
*Name of the possible future school I wanted to create... kept repeating that name incessantly before entering the clinic.
Well and then too.

May 30th, 2014

11:20 Fish Friday Night

The noise of the water tank doesn't bother me anymore, I don't feel at home, but also, I don't feel trapped. Today I felt happy, had music, a historical soundtrack, Legiao Urbana (Brazilian band), 30 Seconds Beautiful Lie, which reminded a lot of my students of the state. Of the four girls I stayed one was named Carla, I fought with her brother then defending my African brother friend. From the nursing technician, from Otávio's girlfriend to the 40-year-old who had a son of two, and a kiss in Pietra, Felipe,----, ---,----, Hippie.
May 31, 2014
12:30 pm
To Recall hurts
For some reason, the names of the two girls I had sex with were blocked from my memory. Sometimes I want to remember and sometimes I don't. My religion came out well yesterday, sometimes I think that's what has driven me crazy, sometimes I think it was my feelings with women. The work they did me to get back with my girlness femininity. So much wrong, but it helps so many people, I remember as if it was yesterday what your Álvaro had told me when I was twelve:
It shows you're good.
And I drifted away...
Then my parents didn't come. I got mad... I wish I'd done a religious practice with everyone there, my bosses were Brazilian religious as well, my uncle was there. I bought all the stuff. But no one came, so many frustrations, all my co-workers said I was crazy and I didn't care, for the first time in my life, I thought I had cured myself of my depression and I didn't hear anymore negative things, now it seems that I will come back that suffering again, of damning thoughts, if I do that, such will happen, and well my head does not stop, keeps remembering, martyring, blaming itself, and afraid that things do not work and with the side effects of things.
6:45 pm
Watching Zé Ramalho (Brazilian singer) at the Multishow live "I'm on you, but you're not in me..." A patient says:
- People will think this is a clinic for Crazy people. LOL
Visiting Time, before yesterday Ricardo had asked me how I felt when they refused my request for a call to my parents, everyone gets a visit here, makes a call and I'm the only one who doesn't have this "cuddle".
I know it's for my own good, they're not ready I'm not either. We exchanged letters, my father already sent about 10, my mother and grandmother 2, my aunt 1, I showed the letters of my mother and my grandmother to Sillas, and Ricardo, Sillas' eyes filled with tears, he also freaked out for a love that did not worth it, the first step people for drugs, always. I'm a good person I've taken the first step and accepted that it was in charge of my life, I'm an addict in a "soft" drug, weed, but in another that you can't use, love, fantasy, grandeur thoughts, and when I reach it I do not think I deserve, "The time has come to start over...!!!" CPM22 (Brazilian Band) in multi-show, "... not even to say, try to understand me ...!!!"
For a long time, I thought I couldn't live without her. But I've come this far! I can do it, you can do it!
Madelyn Guidance
- What's wrong with being a scoundrel?...
I don't think I ever really loved anyone, I just suffered blame for every single thing, every shit I did, and then I ended up doing something like to make up for the bullshit I did.
But really all very intense. A necessity that my parents, my mother liked my boyfriend.
Beatriz, roommate and my sponsor in A.A, told today that she met her daughter's boyfriend at the mall, who is shy very shy, and her daughter is fifteen years old, the same age I was when I lost my virginity, in the third month of dating. Her daughter is in the fourth month of dating, Beatriz said that already took her to a gynecologist and he gave birth control already to her.
I remember that with me it was terrible, even though I told my mother that I had used a condom, she made me do a beta HCG blood test, wrote me a background letter of the result, well anyway, and gave me purple flowers??? Just like it was the condom I lost my oval hymen and the condom from the advertisement we made about HPV.
June 1, 2014, at the clinic
I remembered a lot, to prevent them from becoming obsessive thoughts, I will follow the directions of my psychologist Daniel and write and turn the page, he commented right after I told:
- Yane, really you have to write a book...