Memphis Summer (ON HOLD)

We've Got Tonight

I know it's late, I know you're weary
I know your plans don't include me
Still here we are, both of us lonely

We've Got Tonight - Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band

I tried to call Memphis back, repeatedly. Each call went straight to voicemail, like he was intentionally ignoring my calls. With sweaty palms and a racing heart I left my bedroom and headed through the house.

Better to meet him in the driveway than him come knocking on the front door.

The doorway to my parents' room glowed a soft blue, the light from the TV escaping from the barely closed door. There was a whispered conversation, snippets of my mom's thoughts met with grunts of affirmation from my father. In his forty-year smoker's gruff voice he responded to my mother.

"Bethie, he's stronger than you guys give him credit. Just leave him alone."

"But Rob, he needs that little push to get him over the slump he's been in. You don't see the look he gets when he's lost in thought. It reminds me so much of when Trent started that shit when they were in school."

In the following pause, I heard my dad let out a deep sigh. No doubt they were both thinking back to when my life went chaotic.

"Just because you want him to be happy, doesn't mean you can force him into being that way, Beth. He'll get there, just give him time."

As nice as it felt to have my father's confidence, I didn't want to hear what was going to be said next. Their conversation would have to wait until I wasn't around to hear it. My knuckles tapped against the door and I gave them time to respond to my knock.

"Come in, Ellis," my mom softly called out.

I didn't fully enter the room, the knowledge that they had been talking about me made the situation lean a  little on the awkward side.

"Uh, just wanted to let you know that I'm going out. I shouldn't be long."

Mom sat up a little straighter, her eyes seeming to glow with curiosity. I knew. In that moment, I knew that it wasn't news to her. Dad apparently came to the same conclusion and shook his head.

"You and Josh need to find a hobby, hon. One that doesn't include gossiping about Ellis."

Mom waved off his comment, her smile growing and a look of approval forming. "Take as long as you need, son. And enjoy yourself."

I got a commiserative glance from my dad, an unspoken apology in his eyes, and then was promptly shooed from their room by mom. Before I could even get the door shut behind me, he started warning her not to call Josh. Adding in the warning to leave me be the next morning, too. The image of her clucking her tongue and disinterestedly waving him off came to mind.

What would it be like to have their kind of relationship? The unwanted thought came and nestled itself deep, giving my already anxious mind more fuel.

Memphis would be that kind of strong, like my dad. Dependable. Stable. Someone that you could pour your thoughts out with. He'd be that quiet, unassuming firm hand that kept you on course. And that thought scared me to my core.

Because I knew that if I let myself, I could grow to depend on him. And that was dangerous.

He arrived way too soon. His van rumbling along the curb and the soft sounds of music pouring out of the open windows. The closer I got, the further away I wanted to be. It was his eyes. The way they invited me in, offering a safe harbor. The promise of understanding. The slight bit of adventure coupled with security that sparkled. Their warmth and comfort.