You are aware of his presence, of the warmth of his body, of his arms brushing against your legs as he is turning the pages of the book he is trying to read. Yes. You are aware. And it is driving you crazy. How could you focus on your own book when he is so close? How could the words on the page make sense when you can smell his wonderful cologne? Your heart is beating so fast, you are afraid he would be able to hear it. And what if he hears it? Wouldn't it be more simple? The questions go back and forth into your head but they are never answered. And that kills you little by little.
Chan is focused on the black ink. He is focused on the white page. He knows the words too well. They are imprinted on his heart, on his mind. But still, he likes to read them again and again. They remind him of you. They remind him of the day you gifted him this precious book for no particular reason almost three years ago. You had the sweetest smile on your face, your cheeks were red because of the cold weather outside and you had a cute ribbon in your hair. Back then, he didn't know that you would become so important to him. Vital even. But here you are. And being in your bed, so close was enough for him. As long as you were close, nothing could happen. He puts his hand on your leg. Touching you makes him feel home.
After a while, you close the book so suddenly, it surprises Chan.
"Sorry" you mumble.
You get up from the bed, escaping the room where the atmosphere is too uncertain. You go into your kitchen to find something to do. Cleaning? Cooking? Screaming? You are crazy. You are definitely crazy. You put your hands on the sink and try to breathe slowly. You go to the bathroom to put some water on your face, trying to think straight. You hate the way he makes you feel. You hate the chills he creates on your skin. You hate the way your eyes shine when your eyes meet his. You hate the stupid smile on your lips when he texts you. You hate his proximity. Because it is not enough for you. It will never be enough.
He wonders why you left in such a hurry. He wants to give you some space, no matter what is happening to you. After so many years, he knows you. But after a while, he starts to worry. He gets up from the bed and looks for you in the flat.
"y/n?" he asks "where are you?"
Hearing is worried voice makes you feel awful. You come out of the bathroom and here he is, standing in the middle of the living-room. He seems awkward. But you realise how much he really fits there. Between the couch and the TV. So close to you. Yet so far.
He takes a step toward you and grabs your hand.
"Come" he says. You sit next to him on the couch.
"Tell me what's going on inside your pretty little head."
After some time, you answer.
"This."
"What? What do you mean by 'this'?"
"You! Your behaviour, your calming voice, your kindness, your comforting words, your warmth, your hugs and cuddles, everything. I can't handle it anymore." you say, bending your head.
"Wh-what? I mean, I don't understand."
You take a deep breath and say "you are the best friend I ever had. You give the best advice, you always make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts, you are so talented at everything you do, you make me feel so amazing. Everything single time I see you my heart feels like exploding. I'm just tired of it all. I can't handle it anymore?"
"I don't understand y/n. These things are great, aren't they? Wh-why are you tired of it?"
You get up from the couch and go near the window. You contemplate the lights of the city and answer "because someday you will fall for someone and these are going to be taken away from me. You are going to be taken away from me. Because you will never be mine."
He needs some time to understand what your words are implying. He doesn't answer for a while.
But when he does, your heart breaks.
"I already fell for someone. A long time ago to be honest."
He can only see your back because you're facing the window. He doesn't see the tears running down your cheeks.
Suddenly, you feel his arms hugging you from the back as he whispers to your hear: "it's you. It has always been you."
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