Listen To My Silence

The simple truth .

October 21st

" why can't you just listen me .. am i not loud enough like the other girls ? or is it because i'm not 'pretty enough' to be payed attention to..

i'm working on it.. today i didn't sit down to eat dinner with my family like i used to do

i heard skipping meals can help cut out calories and help you lose weight faster ..

i'm desperate to fit society's standards .. it's not that i cared about what anybody thought .. it's just about what i thought

i mean after all i'm stuck with me forever .. not them

but my mind is telling me that if i starve a lot more i'll look better

even though my mind plays tricks on me all the time ..

what ever ...

i took medicine today.. i took benadryl it's an allergy medicine .. we didn't have any pets .. but benadryl makes me sleepy .. because ..i seen your face today .. and all i wanted was to go back home and be warm under my blankets and cuddle my favorite bear ..and forget about you

after what you did to me at that hotel party... it makes me sick... i guess because i had on a short dress i wanted it ..

note pad:
wear a longer dress next time . <3

it's my fault .. i won't tell my mom ..or anyone it's not like she would listen anyways ..i remember when i was younger ..how i felt when i was sexually assaulted at a young age .. how i was groomed ..i didn't tell ..he told me not to and so did you ..i didn't move i couldn't.. i was all too familiar with something like this .. now i'm starting to think it wasn't rape

even tho i told you that you didn't have consent to touch me and you still continued to lift my dress up and slide off my panties while i repeatedly told you no.. i mean i didn't move when you slid into my limp body
you remind me of my first abuser and maybe that's why i let you do what you did to me
it was like i repeated the same day for a second time ..

i mean i was drunk and on the verge of blacking out maybe i'm just making things up or atleast that's what you told me ..

i can still remember what underwear i had on that day ..and what jewelry i was wearing ..and those waist beads i had on ..the ones that where made of crystals ..the ones my dad made for me ..the ones you broke on accident while you ripped the clothes off of my body ..my favorite ones..those blue ones..

and i wasn't even upset for the fact that it had happened..i was upset about who it was that had done it..

i trusted you ...my mom trusted you..my little sister trust you..

well that's why after that day.. i never went to bed while you were around .. i stayed up making sure you didn't dare touch the handle to her door .. i took that pain for her so she wouldn't have to deal with the trauma later on in life

i didn't want her to know what it was like to live with a hatred rooted so deep inside of your mind .. to wake up and want to die already ..to look in the mirror and hate every thing about yourself ...

wondering what you did to deserve this .. knowing deep down somewhere inside that it was never really your fault .. but letting your mind put the blame on yourself that way the trauma wouldn't be so hard to ignore .

i cut myself that week after that "incident "... i was doing so fine before you .. i was a whole 6months clean ...  i was healthy!

and not just existing i was actually living life .. who knew it would take one bad day ..30 horrible minutes ..to turn your life around for the worst  from running with the wind , shining brighter than the sun ,  with an attitude so high that mount Everest couldn't stand a chance ...to falling in an abyss of depression and loneliness...

but this isn't the end ..i still have some fight in me ..i'll finally open up to my moms bought what's been going on..i'll get therapy ..maybe we'll go to therapy together and i'll have a better bond with her..i'm counting on you mom.. please don't let me down ..

i need you..."

you were so naive ..

Closing the notebook and stuffing it into my book bag after i had read day 21 of this journal i got into bed.. wiping the tears from my face ...

what are you crying for ..it's nothing you could have done ..

"i'm sorry that this happe-"

i'm so sick of hearing sorry.. honestly ..you get some rest.. you think todays chapter was too much ..well tomorrow it gets even crazier ..well i'd think you'd expect it to get worst ..these are the last 9 days of my life ...

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oh-the voice of the deceased
oh-your actions and words