Saving Nikolai (Book 1)

chapter 11

(Milo)

Saturday afternoon I got home after dropping off food for three people. I assume they are all mostly preparations for Christmas dinner.
Luckily, I had my car so I could fit all of it.
I also picked up a ham for my personal Christmas dinner.

My eyes had been slightly puffy all day
I honestly looked like a mess. Hair untamed, eyes puffy, my face felt swollen. My clothes just thrown on and wrinkly.
I swear when I look my worst, that's when In see the most people that know me.
Part of that is that it is Christmas in just 3 days. And, because I missed work yesterday, I have to work Christmas Eve.
The fun just keeps piling on.
On the plus side, I've been too tired to cut. Though if I started I'm not sure I would stop. I'm in a really dangerous mindset, and I know it. I'm actually pretty concerned. One moment of weakness, and the kids might not have me here for them.
I just keep chanting to myself "they need me, I can do this, they need me." It isn't much, but it's the best I got right now.

As I carry the Ham into the house, I'm swarmed my the kids. They didn't see me yesterday. So they are determined to squeeze in as much time as possible today.
It's fine. It reminds me more clearly, how much I'm needed. And today I need that reminder.
While the kids continue to talk my ear off, I start dinner. I decided to make Rabbit Cacciatore and mashed potatoes as a side.
I really need to eat more rabbit. I have too many right now, and they're eating me out of house and home. Maybe tomorrow I will cull most of them and put them in the freezer.
You know what I should do? I should learn how to make leather. I could make mittens and slippers and pillows and all sorts of warm, soft, things. Maybe I'll wait to butcher the rabbits and begin researching. The more of the animal I can precess and use, the better I feel about everything. I don't love killing animals. But I figure at least I know they have had a good life, and they ate well. Plus I figure, if I am willing to eat meat, I should be willing to butcher it too. People who eat meat but think hunting and killing animals for food are cruel are nothing but hypocrite. I feel like raising and culling my own meat makes me better appreciated the sacrifice given each time meat in on the table. If that bothers you. Go fuck yourself. I don't have the luxury of having everything handed to me. If I could just pick up all my protein from the store that would be great, except meats expensive. And the kids need protein. And let's face it, everyone who likes to scream "just be vegetarian" " just be vegan" are forgetting how expensive that is, if you are going to do it right. So I don't even want to hear it. I am doing what I think is best for the kids. Just like I've always done.

I went back and forth on whether to wrap the bicycle boxes and put them together after their opened or put them together before hand and just put a bow on it. Ultimately the latter option won out. So I end up spending much of the evening before Christmas putting bikes together. It's not fun, but I decided it I had made the right choice by assembling them first. The children would have been so impatient, watching me do this. Just wanting to pull them outside. And yes, it's kind of cold for riding bikes, but what kid gets a bike for Christmas and doesn't want to try it out. None, I'm sure. I'll just have to make sure they are bundled well.

Christmas was a resounding success. Mom came out of her room and spent about an hour with us. The kids got her a necklace and bracelets and a mug that said 'number #1 mom'. I don't think it was supposed to be ironical, just something they saw and thought she might like. Let's face it, it's hard to buy for someone that literally does nothing. At all. She'll probably never wear the jewelry either. She might actually use the mug, so it's not actually that bad. Even if the message is ridiculously false.
I received a crop length denim jacket from Tommy. It's super cute. He must have only bought a couple cheap presents for each of the brothers and he didn't get anything for mom. (I know he's extremely bitter towards her, so I shouldn't be shocked.) Then, he must have found someone to drive him to a store to buy me this. Because this is definitely Not from the $5 store. None the less, it was thoughtful and sweet. I told him thank you repeatedly. He didn't have to spend so much on me. I know I'm not worth it. But it was nice and I appreciate it none the less.
The twins spent most of the day riding their bikes in the drive way. Tommy pulled me onto his lap and cuddled with me for a few hours. He's been really trying to show me his love and appreciation. I kind of love it. So, I just curl up in his lap and enjoy the love and comfort.
"How are you doing Niko?" I just sigh. "Fine I guess. Just trying to put one foot in front of the other." He pulls me in tighter. I notice he's running his finger up and down my wrist. I try to pull it away, but he just held on to my arm a little tighter. I wasn't moving anywhere. I gave up and just went limp. My head rested on his chest and let him hold me.
"You're not doing fine are you." I just sigh and shook my head. I didn't bother with words, what more was their to say. I've been doing incredibly bad actually. As worried as I am about over cutting, it hasn't stopped me from doing it, like I hoped it might. I get so consumed with my own pain and guilt, I forget everything else around me. I try to hold on to the love of my brothers, but even that's hard. They seriously might be better without me. I have paid for $250,000 in life insurance. It's only a few dollars a month. And they would have as much money as they needed to pay for food and utilities. Until all of them are graduated. And maybe even some for college. Of course I can't have committed suicide so there's that. However, even if they had that money. They need someone to take care of them in a way I never had. That's what holds me back. I will never make them grow up without a loving parent, like I did. If they're all grown up, and don't need me, then I'm free to do whatever I want. Maybe then I can find peace. But not until then. So, I've been trying to hold myself back. Keep from cutting too far, too deep. I'm not sure I'm entirely successful. Fuck, I know I'm not.
I know I'm a disappointment. But having Tommy feel, see, how weak I am makes me devastated. I shower his chest with tears.
"I'm sorry. I've tried not to. I have. I know I'm horrible. And I know you need me. I've tried to stop, or at least slow down. I'm so sorry." He just sighs and holds me closer.
"I'm not angry. Just scared. I don't know what to do, to help. I want to wrap you in bubble wrap, and never leave your side. I am half temped to start sleeping in bed with you every night. And require you not lock the bathroom door. Infact, I am going to have someone change the doorknob out this week. And don't even try to argue. I need you Nikki, we all do. Maybe that's selfish, but I can't lose you." I just nodded. What else was there to say. One of the deeper cuts reopened and was dripping blood. I could feel it, but Tommy hadn't noticed. Hopefully he wouldn't.
"God dammit!" And he set me on the couch. Yep, he noticed. He came back with a warm wash cloth and some other first aid. I watched as he tenderly cleaned my arm and added antiseptic, before gently wrapping my arm in gauze. "I'm going to check on this every night, clean it and make sure you haven't cut any more. Do you understand? Some of these are really deep Niko! I don't know if you're trying to kill yourself or not. But even if that's not the intent, you're going to succeed if this continues." His voice was gentle, but firm. I nodded, "I know". He groaned. "Is that what you're trying to do?" I shook my head.
"Talk to me Niko," i huff.
" well, I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I and disgusted with myself. I loath myself and when I cut... It just feel better... For a time. I'm able to take out all the anger, all the aggression, all the sadness out on myself, and watch it all bleed out, wash away. I know it doesn't last. And I will hate myself more the next day for giving into weakness, but in that moment I finally feel alright. I finally release all those negative thoughts and almost feel at peace.... Until a wake up."

Tommy held me closer. "You know you aren't alone anymore. I'm always here for you." I sighed. "Yes, but you shouldn't have to be. I'm the big brother, I'm supposed to take care of you. Not the other way around. You have friends and a cute little boyfriend, and I hate that I'm taking away from them. I hate that you have to be torn from your life, in order to keep me from hurting myself. It's pathetic really." My voice becoming stronger I as speak. I feel this with great conviction.

Tommy smacked my shoulder and growled. "no! My friends, my boyfriend means nothing compared to you. They are nothing. They will all go off to different colleges in different states in just a couple years. Most I will never see after I graduate. My boyfriend is fun, sweet and very cute. But honestly, what almost 15 year old stays with their highschool boyfriend. Almost none. I would drop all of them instantly for you. You are family, blood, my brother, and father. You are everything to me. I want to have you for the rest of my life! Not just the rest of yours. I need you. You're the one I talk to for advice, you're the one I run to with my struggles. You're the one I rely on for unconditional love. You! You are my everything. In comparison they are all meaningless. So yes, I could spend my free time with friends. But I would rather spend it with someone who needs me, and someone I plan to actually keep. I want to keep you. And I'll do anything to make that happen. Do you understand?" I just nodded through my tears.
After a while Tommy pulled me up and towards the kitchen. "Come on, let's start Christmas dinner."

From then on Tommy kept his promise. After the twins went to bed, he cleaned and bandaged my wrist. He also had a friend change out bathroom doorknob. And started to sleep in bed with me. He was a shadow. It should have annoyed me. But for the first time, I didn't feel alone.