"shut up" "whatever" | l.t. au

diez

"Oh, my god," I say solemnly, looking at dark sky in front of me, "I broke my weinee."

Ryn is in hysterics, consistent with her dumb laugh that makes me want to bash my head against a rock.

"Why."

"Are--ahahgahaha--oh, man, are you alrighahahahah." She falls down.

"How does this even happen."

Dear, God.

"Do you want me to take you to a hospital?" She asks when she's able to breathe without her spastic hiccup-laughing, still smiling down at my broken body that lays helplessly in the grass.

"How...how does one even break a weiner...?"

"I've broken plenty-a-weiner in my day."

My expression goes from distressed to blank in milliseconds as I look from my bent wrist to the most irritating human alive with coffee stains on her baggy shirt and wriggling eyebrows.

I blink and breathe deeply, wondering why I put up with this shit. "You realize breaking one's genitalia is not exactly how sex--"

"Hello?"

Any playful mood in the air is dropped and we freeze in realization, our wide eyes fixating on each other. All innuendos and broken genitals postponed because the voice didn't come either of from us, but rather from the front door.

"Oh my--"

"Fucking--!"

"Get out!"

"I am out, Ryn, I am literally outside, laying in your backyard."

Ryn looks behind her frantically. "Fricking butts!"

In an instant, Ryn swings herself over the window sill on one hand, falling half-way through and face first into the grass at an awkward angle.

"Mother-trucker, dude, that hurt like a butt cheek on a stick."

"Did you just--"

"Hospital, Billford!"

"It's Lou--" I sigh and shake my head, giving up on trying to reason anything with this sack of rocks, and try to stand up but the weiner pain increases, sending me back on my butt.

"This must be how virgins feel after their first time," I concur, wincing, "I get it now."

"Freaking--!" Ryn runs her hands through her hair, looking around frantically before hurriedly picking me up bridal style.

"What the--"

"I forgot, crap, I don't have any muscles!" The idiot announces before rolling us in the grass and accidentally landing her stupid knee into my damaged ding-dong.

"Oh my god. My poor weiner. He's damaged beyond repair, isn't he? Oh god. My poor, poor weiner...." I nearly cry.

"Why is she home so early, dangit!" She looks around with a paranoid look. "Let's just roll with it."

"Wha--"

Due to her lack of strength and my extreme weinee pain, the moronic woman settles on rolling me to her driveway.

"Heh, get it? 'Roll with it'?" She snorts and doesn't stop laughing.

Gravel and bugs hit my face as we near the small car.

This is the worst day of my life.

She is the most despicable human being.

I hate her.

So much.

a/n:

oh my gosh I love writing this you have no idea