Breathe

Chapter 1

The pain is too much. Thoughts ran through my head making me wonder why I was still here. All the feelings and pain just came out. And I couldn't take it anymore. I stared at that blade for a long time. It scared me but I knew it would help. I slowly grabbed it with a shaky hand and found myself making my first scar on my wrist. This scar still remains. It's still there. I remember the night vividly. Like it just happened yesterday. The line soon became crimson with blood and for a while it stung. But it helped. I think for me though it became an addiction. Something that I did every day. And sadly,for most people there's more then one scar. I'm not anything special. Just your average girl. I'm the one who sits in the back of the class and smiles when you come in. I'm the one who's always there for anyone when they fall. I'm the girl who raises people up because I know what it's like to suffer. But,that same girl cries herself to sleep at night,cuts,starves herself,and is depressed. When I was little I loved life. Everything about it was beautiful. But now it was my worst enemy. Other then myself. I learned that there's two kinds of pains, one that hurts mentally and one that hurts physically. And for some strange reason..mentally hurts way more then physically. I'm toxic. My mind is a dark and scary place filled with things you'd be scared of. I'm not good to be around. So please. Do yourself a favor and don't love me. Don't help me. Just let me cope with it. Alone. This is me. I'm 15 years old. My name is Spencer. And I have depression. Not the kind you say you have when you're sad. It's the real kind. The kind that rips you apart. The kind that kills your mind. The kind that..kills you. Don't get too close to me. You'll get hurt. I don't complain very much but this is me. Every night I sit on the curb and think. And every night it's the same routine. You can see the street lights reflecting off of the paved street and you can watch the lights go out in each house one by one until it's just you and darkness. It's almost like being trapped inside your head. People ask me why I'm like this and why I so this to myself. No. I don't do this for attention. I don't do it because I think it's fun. And I definitely don't do it because I "just want to". I'm sick. From my mind and from myself. I didn't think I was good enough because the world taught me that he'd never love me and that they wouldn't like me. But it's real. All of it. Hating yourself is so easy. All you have to do is focus on things about you that just..suck. Loving yourself. Now that's hard. It's hard.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Hey! I'm Berkley! Please comment & let me know what you think! Ik it's insanely dark but I promise it's gonna be good! Let me know what you guys think!!! -Berkley