Don't Let Me Go

Part 1

You are probably thinking, "new book, whatever", yeah, me too. My name is Ara. There is nothing much to say about myself except that I have severe ADHD. It's quite horrible really and it kind of sucks to have to tell all your friends, "Hey, I have ADHD. I might say something rude at some point but I don't mean it. I swear." Then they look at you and give you this weird look that i swear looks like "what the fuck." I guess my life has always been like that. Losing close people because I say something or do something I shouldn't have said.

Even my Mom makes a big deal about it. I have been referenced to councilors and shamans and what not. And what do I have to say about all of this? Fuck.

So when I started a new school, in a far away land, all I hoped would happen was that I would stay hidden from the world and that nobody would give a shit about me. Boy was I wrong. I feel like most stories start like that. With some sort of life changing story that totally made the main character the hero and what not. But just a disclaimer everything that happened wasn't my fault. I blame my ADHD.

I remember my first day at my new school like its gum in my hair. I woke up and did all my morning stuff and made my way down stairs to see my mom before I drove myself to school.

"Good Morning," I said kissing my mom on the cheek. Despite my wishes, she had woken up at the crack of dawn to see me off. I wish she would go back to bed like a normal mother. She never listened and worked herself until midnight every night.

She said her good mornings and kissed my cheek in return handing me my lunchbox and a water bottle. Again, I wish she didn't. It made me feel useless. I took them and gulped down my ADHD medication before heading out the door with a last peck and a, "jal gayo!" from my mom.

Ok, time for more context. My mom was born and raised in Colombia, my dad was born and raised in Germany. They met online because my dad thought her username was pretty. To be honest I don't even remember what it was. Something like 'luzangelita' probably. My mom had moved to Utah and had been living a very poor life, living in tiny apartments with 10 people and flushing used pads down the toilet. My dad fell in love and flew to meet her. I was born two years later.

So yeah, I speak German, English and Spanish. Recently I have developed a love for Korean. That's what my mom and I practice speaking together.

But that's not my point.

I drove about fifteen minutes to school and parked at the farthest corner of the parking lot. I locked my little jeep and made my way to the huge boring building that was to be my school. When I walked in I heard so much noise I almost screamed. There were people everywhere. Little people, tall people and people on drugs and so on. It was like I just walked into a crowded street in the middle of Halloween. I say that because there were clowns here and there and girls wearing what looked only to be underpants. Clearly that is what I thought. Really they were just girls plastered in thick layers of powder while wearing miniskirts that showed off every detail of their bodies and left none to the imagination.

I looked at myself. Jeans and a large shirt that said, "I'm not here." I rolled my eyes and walked over to my locker. I shoved my stuff in and all of the sudden there it was. That fucking 'boost of motivation and happy feelings' one gets when the medication takes effect. I growled. Why was this even a side effect? I slammed the door and breathed.

"Get a grip Ara. We cannot be making friends with these people." Guess what? Like that little talking to would ever work. "Fuck"

In my artificial delusion I wandered the halls aimlessly and stopped when there was no other way to go. There was a wall to my left, a wall to my right and a door in my face. Wanna guess what happened next? My hand opened the door.

What I saw made me explode. I swear if there weren't mirrors on every single wall I would have been convinced my brains had splattered all over the floor. No shit I was still alive. I looked around. It was what looked like a dance studio. Nice. I took another step and jumped out of my shoes when the door closed behind me.

I took a step toward the middle of the room and felt at peace. I sat down and stared at myself in the giant mirrors. "Ugh, what's with all the me in this room." I was getting dizzy. The side effect was wearing off. That's great. But you know what happens when it wears off. You do stupid things.

That's exactly why this mother trucker had to take out her phone and play a song. I knew the song by heart.

As the melody wafted through the air I felt a different kind of motivation. This type felt good and didn't come from the medication. I stood up and closed my eyes. The music sinking into my veins. The melody moving my body.

All I can say is that I started singing and dancing. My voice singing the melody and my body moving to it. Yeah. I am a singer, and a dancer. The only two things that could ever make me feel whole in the world. The two things that made me feel human and not some mistake.

All I can tell you is that I didn't notice the two people walking in.