Ahogo

We Could've, So We Did [2022]

Nanatili lang akong nakatulala sa repleksyon ko sa bintana kung saan tanaw rin ang matataas na building malapit sa condo. Kumurap ako at iginawi ang tingin sa maletang hindi ko matapos punuan ng gamit dahil sa pagdadalawang isip.

"You know, you can choose not to go." Alia said with her arms crossed, staring at me.

I looked down. Nasulyapan kong tumungo siya sa countertop sa kusina, tanaw pa rin ako mula sa kuwarto. She's my roommate before, and now, my very best friend for five years. Typical story, I moved into an apartment and we're in the same room with another girl, we're both at 9th grade and in the same class, we moved into this condo after junior high school, and the rest is history.

Mula sa pagkakaupo ay pabagsak akong humiga sa kama at tinitigan ang kisame. Halo-halo na ang mga iniisip ko at hindi ko alam kung alin ang uunahin ko, at kung alin ang babaliwalain ko nang panandalian. Ayaw kong umalis, sa totoo lang. This is the last option on the list, but unfortunately, hindi gumana ang plan a at plan b ko so I am resorting to this.

I tilted my head to see Alia from here. Her fingers are pressing her lips, though it looks like she's biting her nail from afar. Hindi niya inaalis ang tingin niya sa tasa ng kape niya na sa tantya ko'y lumamig na. I know she's worried. I am, too.

Kaya ko ba talaga? Na umalis dito at iwanan siya? Iyon lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagdadalawang isip. Dahil ayaw ko rin namang maiwan siya rito mag-isa. I saw her sight shifted in my direction. We stared at each other for a good six seconds, until I got up and packed my luggage finish.

Nang matapos ako'y wala na siya roon sa countertop, ang tasa ay naroon pa rin. Kagaya ng pinlano ko, nag-iwan na lamang ako ng sulat sa ilalim ng paborito niyang tasa.

After that, I left to my brother's place. He'll be my company until makauwi kami sa hometown namin. I chose to go kasi... natatakot ako. I don't know what I am afraid of, but one thing's for sure: I don't want to know.

"I am surprised you have finally made your decision." Clay said, his right hand on the steering wheel and the other is lighting his cigarette on his mouth.

I sighed. "I only have two options, you know. Leave, or stay."

"I know..." I saw him smirking after puffing a cloud of smoke out the window. "Why'd you leave, then? Parang you'll most likely stay..."

I rested my head on the window, "I know you know why."

Matapos noon ay hindi na siya muling nagsalita. I closed my eyes, contemplating the decision I have made. Baka impulsive decision ang ginawa ko, either way kahit hindi naman siya impulsive, pagsisisihan ko pa rin. It's just that I need to. I feel the need to leave kasi nalilito ako.

Is she just a very best friend to me? Or inuuto ko lang ang sarili ko dahil natatakot akong matapos ang pagkakaibigan namin? Na baka dahil sa nararamdaman ko pa matapos yung limang taon... I am afraid of her knowing na nagugustuhan ko siya.

And now she's calling. Pareho kaming napatingin ni Clay sa phone ko habang naka-flash sa screen ang contact name ni Alia. Kungliligayaka. I laughed mentally. She's the one who suggested that.