KITTY | 𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨

fifth letter

[: L E T T E R S T O K I T T Y : ]

letter five

My Kitty.

Oh, those few precious weeks we spent together will hold a special place in my soul forever. Even though our emotional entanglement was said to be strictly 'no-strings-attached', I couldn't help but fall more and more for you, Kitty. However, at the end of our 'events', I could feel you pulling away from me, darling. Your pathetic excuses to leave placed a wrench in our relationship - but my devotion to you was too deeply rooted in my soul, it was impossible to extract. Like drawing blood from a stone, ultimately. I wanted you to value me as highly as I did you, love. Little did you know, I was the only one who would love you; who has only ever loved you. When we were together I did not realise this revelation.

I was soon to find out.

The events of that peculiar night will forever be imprinted in my mind. Carved in due to the shear guilt that overcame me; that swallowed me. The waves of your emotional baggage came crashing down in a tidal wave, consuming me in the process.

Woken abruptly from my restless sleep, you phoned me. You knew I would always come to your call. Your need for me was so strong. You needed me to survive. Kitty, your walls were too high and your pride too toxic to ever admit it.

I would never rest until you let me into the fortress of your heart.

You sounded distressed, which made me nervous. My heart sunk at your helpless and lost tone, slurring slightly - something that anyone wouldn't have picked up on. But I know you better than you know yourself, Kitty.

Within a few minutes, I made my way to your apartment. I was in disarray the entire ride to you, terrified of what you could have done. You were unpredictable Kitty.

I could leave you alone in such a state. As I arrived, you were in disarray; the usually clean apartment you prided yourself on was destroyed with strewn clothes and rubbish. Lying on the floor in front of me was the present I got you for your birthday, the porcelain rabbit. Its delicate surface beyond salvage, its black, void eyes pleading as the remainder of its grey body lay shattered. You loved that rabbit.

That hurt me more than any words could, Kitty. The fear of you shattering your favourite belongings to repair whatever worldly pain you were experiencing.

I don't remember much from then, I was so scared - I though you were on the verge of doing something irrational. The concept of you hurting yourself made me sick to my stomach. I was scared for you love. What frightened me the most were your fleeting actions soon after; you threw yourself at me, begging me to fuck you. But the pain, the terror and anguish stark within your eyes made me panic more. I tried, Kitty. I tried to convince you otherwise. Pleading that you needed to open up to me, tell me what is going on, before I could do something like that. You would regret it and make me feel horrible. But, you continued to beg, wrapping your arms around my waist as you knelt "Please, K. Please. I need this."

Damaged. Desperate. That's what you were, but so was I. hate those two words, so did you love.

How could I ever refuse you? I gave in, wearingly . Letting my emotions overcome me, never once did I consider the possible intentions behind your actions. So fearful I was, so fearful of letting you down. Making you feel pathetic, that I could potentially steer you away by rejecting your advances.

I did as you asked, my love. Your pleas and begs for me to hurt you more than I have ever dared to you before. The one question I still ask myself, why? Why did I let my inflated masculinity continue to pain you - why did I listen to your cries and become profusely excited? the ulterior motive behind our actions. Two souls clinging to each other, attempting to cure a void inside - instead ripping the hole deeper than before. Now a bottomless pit. You cried, and I couldn't stop - not now. You needed this, wanted this, you had said so before. Didn't you tell me to?

When I finished, you rolled over and looked at me. The look in your eyes, clouded and black made me sink deeper into the void. You said you were attacked as a young girl - by your grandfather, telling me as your cried. He reached out to you today. I took you into my arms Kitty. How could an angel like you go through so much? You didn't deserve that. I cannot believe that you would open up to someone as lowly as I. You are my deity - the one I worship; how could you place your insecurity, trust and love into the pathetic individual I am?

From that moment onwards, I vowed to protect you at all cost. Kitty, I would sacrifice my soul and happiness to see that your needs are satisfied. If only you knew how much you mean to me.

You will soon find out, love.

Eternally yours.

- K